My sister-in-law is gay and lives in a country where it is legal but still not socially acceptable. She is miserable and I feel for her. She has had nervous breakdowns in the past and has gone for therapies, but it was of no help. The whole family is trying to support her in any way possible but it has come to a point where she has started blaming others for her situation and resent everyone whose life is “normal” (most of the times it’s me).
Now, as much as I feel for her, I get really uncomfortable when she bad-mouths me in front of my husband. My husband tries to calm her by talking to her, and the discussion sometimes drifts to the direction of sex and physical intimacy(educational in nature) given her sexual orientation. As liberal as I thought I was, I’m not comfortable with the idea of my husband talking about sex with other women, whatever the context. I expressed my feelings to my husband and he promised he won’t talk about such stuff if I was uncomfortable.
But one day I heard them talking, and my husband was suggesting her to masturbate to relieve stress. This made me really cringe and we had a huge fight. I know all about the situation, but this still makes me uncomfortable. And her talking shit about me adds to it.
Am I the bad guy here? It’s not about trust, it’s about being okay with something which I am not. Is there a right or wrong here?
It's not up to your husband to counsel your sister-in-law, rather it's up to her to sort her issue. You need to take control when she bad mouths you and use some plain english to tell her where she stands. If you're arguing with your husband over her, then it's telling you that the whole situation is a negative. He needs to understand that his support is important but not when it creates issues within his marriage.
She needs to take some positive steps to help herself get on with her life and only then will any support from her family etc be any good to her. You have every right to feel upset but there is no bad guy here, rather it's your sister-in-law's bitterness and resentfulness which is dragging those who are closest to her down.