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Desperately lonely and starting again at 35

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Hi all

Recently single, at 35, and feel like my prospect at having a family is running out very quickly.

I’m also pretty traumatised from a VERY difficult five years or so which has featured betrayal, death of my favourite person and also a transition to freelancing for three years which I now realise is not helping as I spend so much time at my kitchen table (I’m now going inhouse part-time, which should hopefully help).

I do think I’m a pretty sociable person naturally but the last few years have isolated me and given me no time or energy to pursue new friendships. And weirdly, at 35, I think I feel like a saddo trying – like everyone this age is now settled in with their friends and partners and if I look like I’m making an effort I’ll be branded a weirdo.

Alongside this, all of my friends are partnered up and weekends seem to be basically be for them to spend time with their husbands or families, which leaves me feeling very, very lonely and just ruminating on what has gone wrong / how I’m messed up and not as good as everyone else.

And even when I do see friends, I feel like they pity me and just want to give me something to do. I know that’s destructive thinking, and it probably makes me quite shit company. I feel like I moan too much and just have no joie de vivre left.

I’m actively trying not to date at the moment as I feel like I’ve used men to fill a void a bit and that it would be good for my confidence to know I don’t need them for that. Also, the general advice seems to be that you need to be in a happy and healthy place yourself to find a good relationship, although I have a read a couple of posts from people who admitted they were lonely and sad before they met their DHs, so maybe this just is what humans are like when they’re alone?

Do you have any advice for not blaming myself for being alone on the weekends? I think shame really adds to the feeling of isolation.

And do you have any stories of hope, of being a similar age and actually rebuilding your life in a positive way? Of finding new friends and of also finding a nice partner to settle down with?

Thanks for listening.

Desperately lonely and starting again at 35

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If you sit at home and ruminate, then you will end up down on yourself and with no energy to do something positive about it. You don't need to live in your past, however difficult it was, because your past is for learning from. Get out of the house on weekends and go meet new people. You don't have to date but rather you need to meet others who respect your position and it doesn't matter what your married friends are doing, what really matters is what you're doing.

We all go through sad and lonely times in life (some people can be surrounded by loving friends and family and still be lonely) but it's how we get over them and move on that shapes our character. You're 35 and still have years ahead of you and there's nothing wierd about taking control and going out and making new friends whatever your age. The longer you stay at home, the longer it will take you to meet others and make new friends who share your values, interests and goals in life.

As the saying goes, you only have one life but if you live it properly then once is enough.

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