Overreacting? Or right to cut her out of my life?
I've had this person in my life for a really long time. She's 3 years younger than me and if i'm being honest, I've used that fact as an excuse for the way should would treat me.
She is dating my brother in law. I really wanted us to be friends because of how much I love my husband and brother in law's relationship with one another, i'm also close to my brother in law so it was perfect!
So when they first started seeing one another they were in high school still, I had already graduated and had a car and a job, and she never had anyone available to bring her to their house. I lived about 20 mins from her so I started picking her up every time I was going to see my boyfriend (now husband). One Saturday we were hanging out outside with my mother in law, an uncle and some of their cousins and we were talking about nicknames. She told them "We call her (me) speedy (which they don't) because she's a terrible driver"
I was immediately angry, we all went back down into my husbands room and she immediately asked if I mad at her (she obviously knew what she said was wrong). I told her and she apologized, but i'll admit that it didn't feel like she was really all that sorry. I moved on because i thought i was overthinking it.
She always made little weird comments to me - about the way I look, or sing/playing guitar (my husband and I are musicians so I was always singing and playing guitar). I can't tell you exactly what made the comments weird... I just always felt like there was something off about the way it was being said.
She would always say "I don't understand why their mom likes you more than me. Mom's always like me" - I thought this was a weird way to word this, if she was concerned with how their mom felt wouldn't she have asked "I don't understand why their mom doesn't like me?" I let this go though because again, I thought I was overthinking it.
Over the years it was a lot of little things that could be easily misinterpreted as a "dig", but I always kind of just let it roll of my back because
A: because I really did want us to get along
& B: It's very easy to overthink things especially because I was going through a rough time with my family.
Fast forward to us both being in our 20's - we are starting to get along more, family issues have gotten better and everything seems okay. At 23, I came home and found my father hanging. It was only him and I living together at the time, and about an hour before I found him I was at her house.
She stayed over the guys house - I had moved in because I had nowhere else to go - and hung out with all of us. I was in a weird state of incredibly numb and then crying hysterically. I was also smoking cigarettes like crazy cause it seemed to be the only thing to calm me down when I'd get upset.
It was the night after everything happened, and we went out to my car for a cig, and she started crying and said "I feel responsible cause you were at my house when it happened." Keep in mind that she didn't know my father at all- she slept over my house once, went straight upstairs to my room and never said hi to him (he asked me never to invite her over again after that). When she said it i didn't even realize what she said and I immediately started consoling her. - Looking back on this makes me really mad at myself.
A couple months later we moved into a big house together, me , my husband, brother in law and his girl, and my husbands friend. About a month in she found a job, and needed me to bring her somewhere to cash he first paycheck. At this point we are really getting along, i'm thankful to be with people who care about me, and i'm slowly starting to feel normal again.
In the car ride to the check cashing place she tells me that she told everyone at her job about how my father died - and then about how they commended her on being there for a broken friend. I was so angry but i didn't react because we were in the car... i kind of just gave an Oh, okay type of response. It started to fester in my mind, and i was really offended that she talked about my dad to strangers. I confronted her a couple of days later and asked her why. she said, "You're right, i shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to feel interesting for a minute"
I think that sentence honestly made me even more angry... but for some reason I accepted it and moved on.
This friendship started becoming more and more ambivalent - she only hung out with me if I wanted to drink or smoke. When i didn't want to she'd be nowhere to be found... we lived together. She in passing had called me a drinking buddy... which hurt a lot because i thought we were more than that (stupidly). She called me disagreeable.. but because i disagreed with her opinion. I explained to her that word meant something else and she rolled her eyes at me.
So the event that made me finally say enough - Christmas had just passed, there was a lot of stupid bullshit going on, and I'm already very vulnerable around holidays because of my dad (he killed himself a few weeks before my birthday which lands near thanksgiving). She kept bringing up my mother in law (we didn't always have a good relationship but it's honestly really great now) and the past, and how dramatic she is. I had told her on numerous occasions that i just want to move on and enjoy what i have now.
We started drinking (huge stupid mistake on my part) and she brought up my mother in law and I started telling her that talking about all of this keeps putting me in a really bad place, and I really would like you to stop bringing up the past. - She immediately said "That's not fair, you bring up the past too". I tried to finish what I wanted to say because I wasn't trying to blame bringing up the past only on her (of course I'm to blame too, I just needed help stopping it) and she kept talking over me:
- I asked 3 times "Can you please let me finish" and she replied "This is how conversations work, you say something-I say something" I asked one more time for her to let me finish and she kept saying that same line. I got mad, slammed my cup down and said "You don't fucking understand, I've thought about suicide 3 fucking times this week alone (i'm crying at this point) I just want this to stop - I don't want to dwell on it that anymore, every time I think about it puts me back in that bad place"
She comes to hug me, tells me she's worried because, "suicide runs in my family" ..... (This really fucking offended me) and, " if i didn't tell my husband, she would."
Things calmed down, i finally stop crying, the oven is open because it was freezing in the kitchen, and she makes a Sylvia Plath Suicide joke.... I immediately confronted her, she laughed and looked up at the ceiling.
I deleted her off most social media accounts except for facebook (it would have become more dramatic if i did that) and we haven't spoken in weeks. She hasn't even checked on me since I told her about the suicidal thoughts.
I feel better, but honestly I can't tell if I'm overreacting and if I should just forgive her again.
This woman is basically no good for you going by your post. You've had your major personal issues and you've dealt with them your way. It's none of her business of what's gone down and how you have coped with it and she has no right to divert attention to herself using your issues. The trick is for her to understand that and you need to ask yourself if she's worth wasting your time.
You need to surround yourself with people who support and respect you. You don't need self centred, insensitive and negative indivuals who use you and bring you down to their level regardless if you all live together. As with everything in life, you have a choice and it's up to you who you have in your life and how you live it. There's a good chance that you and your husband may need to live by yourselves for you to able to move on properly.
Given your circumstances, if haven't already done so, some ongoing professional counselling could also assist you to heal and regain your happiness.