Guys hello I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now.
My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but..
May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.
Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there.
One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again.
But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.
He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign...
I became obsessed with her, she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not.
I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.
I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.
I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.
Welcome to the school of heartache And hard knocks of young lovel . . .
He sounds remorseful, yet you won’t let this be his learning experience. You are making it more of a thing than he has, apparently. Are you going to allow him to be forgiven, make amends, and move on?
Look - long distant relationships are very difficult for young men to sustain. She was hot and available. He found out she was shallow and not what he wanted. Thank goodness he did this now instead of later.
Either accept him ( past and all) and get on to working the relationship - or make the break and go on alone for a while, wirh a goal of ibecoming wiser now about men.
As it is now, you take the chance of driving him away with your inquisitions and such low self esteem that you neglect yourself and your appearance.
PS Were you never EVER attracted to another guy while apart from your BF? Maybe you need a mindless fling with a boytoy in order to see your BF’s worth.
You need to forget everything and move forward, I understand it is difficult bit not impossible