Please tell me if I'm wrong!!!
I would like to get others opinions on my situation what would you do how would you react if you were in my situation ... I will give a very brief backstory to this my husband and I have been together for several years we are a Old Flame love from about 20 years ago he is my yin to my yang he's me in a boy's body I love him truly dearly with all my heart and that's why this is absolutely destroying me.
We play on a competitive pool League (Billiards to be exact 8 Ball team) together that we started about 4 years ago. Throughout the years there have been times that I had other things going on and was not always as committed to being there as I should be considering I am the co-captain and my husband is the captain my husband has mentioned this to me several times in our conversations so a few months ago I had told him I was going to make the commitment to be there more and to be more of an active co-captain because I really love playing with him and competing in pool we've done very well on our team.
The last session after I had made my commitment I was there a couple of weeks I did get sick and missed a week and the following week my husband chose to add a new player to our team without discussing it with me at all at this point that did hurt my feelings because it made me feel like it didn't matter. So from that point I chose to not go to any more of the Monday night matches that were scheduled for that session I at some point during the session towards the end explain to my husband that I had not been there because he had hurt my feelings by adding this person to the team without discussing it with me.
So the session is coming to a close I express to my husband that the new person that he had added to the team was an individual that I didn't care for very much I didn't like him I didn't like the way he made me feel I felt that he was rather disrespectful to the couple of times I was around him. EXAMPLE: the 2nd or 3rd time I was around him he walked right up to my husband shook his hand and turned his back on me and never even said hello or even looked my way.
So fast forward beginning of a new session of which I explain to my husband that I would really appreciate it if he would remove this person from the team because he did make me uncomfortable and I did not care for him very much and I know my husband pretty well I figured that he was going to have some apprehensions about how he would remove this person from the team without feeling like a jerk so I gave him a couple of scenarios that would basically be very good excuses that would keep him in the clear as a good guy and not make him seem weak for listening to his wife. All in all I was concerned about saving his reputation as a person in general.
Here's the rub upon offering those scenarios to my husband so that everything could unfold accordingly and everybody would be happy and there wouldn't be any volatile Feelings by anyone my husband chose to tell me that he was not going to ask this person to find a different team to play with and I told him that if he was going to keep him on the team then I wouldn't play that remember we've been playing competitively for about 4 years it's what we've always done together it's our thing and all because he decided that he just didn't want to wrong this person he basically told me to get over it and get over myself deal with it and when I explained to him that I could not so I would no longer be playing alongside him on the team he accepted that and has been playing 5 weeks continually without me there and doesn't see anything wrong with that. What's worse is it makes me feel as if he could care less if I'm there or not....he says "you made that choice to not come play, so don't get mad at me!" I tell him that he choose this person over me therefore he choose this. I'll be honest I feel completely betrayed and have lost trust in my husband and his willingness to stand by me or to respect my feelings. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I really don't feel as if I am.
Now my husband is the kind of person that casual friendships don't really mean a lot he always says if so and so was gone tomorrow I wouldn't miss them--- so I'm confused as to how this person means enough to him that he would be okay with me not playing alongside of him for fear of hurting that person's feelings . yet in his mind it's okay to hurt mine. He basically thinks that I shouldn't let it hurt my feelings and that I should just get over myself and play anyway. This is something we done together for years as I said before one of my passions is to get completely dolled up and dressed to the nines so he can show me off because he enjoys that so much or he used to and that makes this even harder because now I don't have anything that we do together during the week like going and competing in playing pool together the two nights a week that we do play or did play and yes I said to we have two teams and 8-ball and 9-ball team and I quit the other one as well because I don't feel like I can play alongside of someone who doesn't consider me worthy enough to act on my feelings or to support my feelings.
so I would like to ask all of you to chime in and let me know what would you do in this situation am I overreacting ? Is it okay for me to be sitting home all week not getting to go out anywhere and do what my husband and I have always done together yet he still goes two nights a week and does the one thing that we love so much together? should I just sweep my feelings under the rug about this person or do I have every right to be upset and hurt and ultimately feel as if I've been betrayed by my husband? Seriously I'm in need of feedback because we are at a very serious blockage here .....I'm emotionally wrecked and depressed so badly...thanks in advance y'all
Sounds like this game is getting more competitive for your husband and since you missed so many games, he needed someone more serious. Some guys are like that with their sports. His seems very serious now.
Of course, this isnt about the game for you, is it? It’s about him choosing another person’s feelings over yours. (A person you don’t care for, to boot)
Now it’s really affecting your marriage so you must determine how much and where you are going to take this with him.
Some men balk at ultimatums. So be careful with that.
Instead, I recommend you divert and move away from this issue. Go to the games (looking your very best) - and find a new team or form one.
Don’t let your role in other games be affected by this sense of rejection.
Others may disagree with me on this, but I’m a “Pick your battles” type of person.
You can't expect your husband to remove someone from the team simply because you don't like them and they don't acknowledge you. It was your actions and attitude which led him to recruit the guy in the first place particularly when you were an absent co captain and you admitted that you needed to make a greater effort with that role.
However, as the previous poster has said, your post isn't about the game, it's about the way your husband has 'sidelined' you and your action of resigning from all teams won't solve your issue. Instead you will become more bitter about it if you sit at home and fester. Yeah, you do need to get out there again and participate, but first you need to talk to your husband to discuss the way you feel without pointing the finger at him. He's basically solved his issue concerning his team the quickest way he could, and you need to accept that first, before you're able to go on and solve your issue with him.