But basically its been two years and I still feel broken from it. When it happened I lost everything and went into self destruct mode. Ive been to therapy and made peace with the girl since. Ive tried so hard to get a life again but I just cant, I havent felt content nevermind happiness in two years and Im really reaching my breaking point. I just need advice, what more can I do? How does one get over anger like this at themselves?
I can't get over what I did two years ago
It is ok to keep being mad, don't try to 'force yourself to let it go' or 'forgive yourself...' I have tried these things and they are so unnatural for me.
BUT BUT BUT keep in mind who you are mad at. You arn't mad at yourself like you said, you are mad at your past self. Your old actions. People change, and when people change, they are no longer the same person...
If you learned your lesson, you are no longer who you were... You are carrying that hate forward to someone who no longer deserves it. Be mad if you must (though hopefully this too will ease away in time) BUT be made at the right person. You don't need to forgive yourself so much as realize that you just don't deserve to be hated...
Now, to clarify, some things are part of a person's core, who they are no matter what... if someone is a murderer or a rapist, then they can't just 'blame their old selves' so I totally understand if you think of this as a scapegoat. However, you need to ask yourself, what made you do it? Like you said, you didn't give much detail, so I don't know... but it sounds like you no longer have that part of you...
Ask yourself, honestly and fully, is this still part of who I am? Would I / will I do it again? Why did I do it? What core factor made me do this? Focus of fixing it and becoming a newer you.
I did some not to pretty things (everyone has) but now I am a teacher and a friend in a new place trying to start a new life... I ask myself, do my students have a teacher who deserves hate for some random thing old me did? And I have to admit that no, they don't.
Whoever you are, you don't deserve to be hated.
Hope this helps.