Did I make the right choice?
I met this guy who we started as friends, but in the process, things became physical between us sexually. I wanted something more, but he didn't. At first, I was fine with it but then I couldn't deal with it anymore. So I cut him off. He became angry with me and would hold my emotions against me every time and would say "you knew what this was" and "I didn't want a relationship." I cut him off and moved on to date other people. When I got into a relationship he became jealous and would always hope for the demise of my relationship with my current ex. During that relationship he admitted at one point he had feelings for me but never explained why he stopped having feelings for me. I've been in the same cycle with him for the past three years.
It starts with things going well between us, he talks about meeting his family, what our kids would look like, and that he feels like we're going to be together forever. He would always drop these phrases, along with saying "he doesn't want to hurt me," "he's messed up and can't commit" but after things are going well things immediately flip to where he avoids me. The next thing I know he's trying to date or is already in a relationship with another female. Along with that, I find out he's been contacting and trying to hook up with women we are mutual friends with. He claims he cares for me, and that I will always be his and would do anything for me but I don't feel like he means it. One minute he's all into me, but when I reciprocate those feelings he switches and gives those feelings to someone else. It's happened three times already, and each time I cut him off for a few months then somehow we reunite.
I will admit I love too hard and my feelings were strong, and I hid them from him for a while before fully admitting how I felt. When he knew he still wanted to continue things as casual, then distance himself without talking to me first. Every time I try to talk to him about how I feel he blames me and says "you hurt your feelings because you knew what you what you were getting into."
With each time he only contacts me when he only wants sex or needs something to be done for him. I also noticed while he's with me he's talking and texting these other women. I try to brush it off because we aren't officially a couple, but we do things that couples do. This time, I finally cut him off indefinitely. I told him how I felt about our relationship and how he treats me. Part of me feels like I did the right thing by letting him be, but the other half of me still loves him. He admits that I'm the perfect package, and any guy would be lucky to have me due to my traits, qualities, and looks but I'm honestly confused.
Can someone tell me why he does this? Why he treats me like a 2nd option but when he's single he wants to be all over me until he finds someone else to be all over. He was my first kiss, and I lost my virginity to him. We have so much history, part of me says to leave him alone but the other half tells me to not drop history we have together. Please help.
He treats you like a second option because you let him. He can't possibly be all over you when you know he's looking for the next woman to be all over and literally before your eyes. You know what you need from a relationship, but while you allow him in your life, he controls you, and that means you have to be part of the game that he expects you to play.
Yeah, after 3 years of this merry go around, you do have a history but ask yourself what sort of a history it's been. Sure, he's your first kiss but that doesn't mean that you have to shackle yourself to him. It's not so much about you letting him be, it's about you moving on and getting on with your life and finding a guy who will respect you for who you are and not what you are.
It has been a merry-go-round, and I've tried to let him go in the past but something happens and we reunite. I've wasted so many tears over this person. And he's played with my heart and emotions so many times. I know I made the right decision. But I just want him out of my system to completely forget about him. I know that takes time, but I'll be glad when that moment comes. I've let him slide with so much, I'm fed up with it. I do know what I want, I just let myself slip up with him because I've known him for so long.
I'm a nice person and I'm more forgiving than others. I've given him so many chances he didn't deserve and maybe I miss more of the memories instead of him as a person.
Have you accepted the fact that he never really chose you? And you are making a mistake by continually choosing him?
Sounds like you have worked SO hard to make this work. Still you get crumbs from him in return.
Didn’t you deserve more?
For sure you do! What makes it that you hang on so hard to this toxic feedback? That’s where the anger comes in, but it’s aimed inward.
A counselor could help you figure this out. Can you do that for yourself?