I've known him, however, since I was in kindergarten. Five years old, one and the same. He'd moved from Kentucky, away from a terrible mother and home life. I chased him around the playground to and fro, trying to catch him like my life depended on it. Sometimes, I did catch him; and other times, his body wriggled from my grasp and went free.
And this time, a time where I have known him for over a decade, is a time when he had gone free.
I moved roughly five months ago. He didn't come with me. He couldn't--as he lived with his family. Obviously he also wasn't old enough. But, you know, there's some part of me that desperately wished that I could snatch him up, stick him in my pocket and just take him with me. Easy as that. But, no. We're separated now and there's pretty much nothing I can do about it. Not to mention that there's an annoying virus going around.
Let me tell you about him, though.
He's always been super short and no one knows why. He has that naturally tanned, smooth skin that never blemishes and eyes that burn like winter chill. Long lashes, short chocolate-colored hair. Quiet, reserved, hands-in-his-pockets-while-playing-his-trombone type. The kind of person who gets anxious and awkward very easily. He's shy, too.
And while they say that the most important part of a relationship is communication, I can't help but feel that we're not doing that. At all. I find it so difficult to figure out what I should say when I already know what I want. I want to tell him that during this lockdown time I don't have anyone to talk to. Literally nobody. I want to see him and I want him to say that he misses me, but he's awkward so I know he won't. I want him to sacrifice like I've sacrificed for him, but how do you say that...?
It's been a long time since I've been conflicted with this. It hurts.
I don't even know what we really are, either. People who confessed love to each other, people who stared at the other from the corner of their eye. The girl knew the boy was in love but said nothing until he was ready. The boy's eyes twinkled in the sunlight and grew darker in the rare nighttime. They can say so much to each other--quips, inside jokes, past memories and pain--yet, they can't ask a single question:
"Are we together?"
It's a lot. But please send your guidance in this time when I need it.
They say phoenixes always rise from the ashes unscathed, until they know better
This is a chapter in your story, and to move forward you need to close this one. The next one may be full of hardship and wonders, who knows. The one thing you can't do is stay stuck, reading and re-reading the first chapters.
Write to your love and ask what you need to know. You are young and the story has just begun, so take each day at a time and with the passing of every day your pain will lessen.
To offer you hope I ask you to remember that each plot is FULL of characters, you will not have met them all yet. Focus on what is in front of you and who knows, maybe your lost love will reappear, maybe a new hero will join the cast. Just turn the page and read on....