Help me... I am at a real turning point..
Hi - first time post on here, hope someone can help...
I am a recently married man (approx 18 months ago) after being with my wife for 6 and a half years. We get on well most of the time, and she is the kind of person who would be a great mum to our future children. And that is the next step for us.
We are both 30 and I know she wants us to start trying to have children together. I had an upbringing with a mother and father who did not get on well together and I vowed to myself that I would only have children when everything was perfect and I would be in the best position possible to give them the best childhood they can have with two parents who love each other and are on the same page.
A big issue for me is the fact that we as a couple do not have sex. My wife was a virgin when we met and it has all been a bit awkward sexually ever since we got together. We had fairly good sex at the beginning of our relationship as you would expect most couples to do. However, for about the last 4 years it really has been infrequent. I remember friends joking about our first year of marriage and how we must be having sex all the time. I laughed to play along, but the truth is we haven’t had sex at all in about 2 months and even when we do it often hurts my wife and I know she isn’t that sexually in to it.
I have obviously worried that she just isn’t interested in sex and that it isn’t a priority for her, which is what she has said. However, I know she pleases herself when I am not around, which suggests she does have sexual appetite. She tells me it isn’t down to me but is just how she feels. I have told her multiple time that having a healthy sex life is important to me and that we need to do something about it. However, nothing changes and she does not talk about it at all. It’s like I am being ignored and I don’t think it’s fair on me that I have effectively written off sex at the age of 30 when some say you should be having the best sex of your life.
I am sure we will awkwardly manage to have sufficient sex to have a baby, which is what my wife will want, however in my opinion that is not the right way to do it and I fear means my sex life will effectively be over once she gets pregnant. We can be very comfortable together but I really worry that the fire has gone from our relationship. I still fancy her physically as much as I did the day I met her but I am not sure if I emotionally do and it worries me that she does not want to have sex with me. I know people have different levels of sexual desire, but it really affects the way I think about our relationship. The obvious advice would be to talk to her, but when I do, she doesn’t do anything about it and it all stays the same. It normally just causes an argument and then we don’t speak to each other for a few hours.
I would not cheat on my wife, but it makes me see other women in a different light to the extent that I feel sexual desire for a girl at work. I know these are natural feelings to also fancy other people, but I feel that not having intimacy with my wife is making me feel things for other women.
Added to these issues around sex, I feel as though we have become too comfortable to the extent that we almost have a brother/ sister relationship. We get on well but the ‘spark’ has gone, no doubt partly caused by the fact that we don’t have sex. We rarely make plans to go out, instead spending our time together watching tv at home together. That is not the kind of person I am - I like to socialise and go out a lot but have accepted a life of staying at home not doing too much- it stifles me. I feel stifled. I have always believed in the concept of a soulmate, and whilst I love my wife, I see other people’s relationships and I feel as though whilst we get on well, she is not my soulmate. I wonder whether there is someone out there better suited to me, someone I can truly truly love and have a really strong emotional connection with - something I don’t fully feel with my wife.
I feel like I am at a real turning point in my life - have kids with my wife - I love children and could see us having them together and being good parents or end our relationship and give myself the chance to meet someone more suited to me - emotionally and sexually.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
If your wife won't talk about the issue and won't look at seeking professional assistance and medical advice, then you may have to give her an ultimatum because you're more than correct when you state that you guys need to be on the same page to stay successfully married. Your marriage won't last if you guys don't have intimacy and your emotional needs aren't being supported. She obviously knows there's a problem, (it causes arguments) but somehow can't really 'see' it, even when sex hurts her, to appreciate it and her refusal to discuss with you only adds to it.
After 8 years history, it won't be easy for you to end it and move on, and you should realise that the grass is never greener on the other side, but that's what you may have to do to find that partner who shares your ideals and values. It's all good to love and respect your wife but your post indicates that you're not in love with her, regardless of the lack of sex. No marriage is perfect, but it helps if you're with the right person where your head, heart and gut line up. It's all OK for you to see you guys having kids and being good parents but would you really be happy and content?
Your wife needs a full medical workup, inclyding hormine levels. An OB-Gyn exam can rule out a physical reason for her pain, but really , this is not a new issue, it’s just becoming a problem for you now.
Please don't become pregnant until this issue is worked out. A vibrant, healthy sex life between couples helps keep the marriage together. You deserve better. This must be difficult for her, too.
Thanks for sharing some personal and challenging information, ROOTY. Your marriage is worth saving so lets explore some ideas.
MANALONE and SUSIEDQQ make great suggestions regarding the complete physical. Perhaps this should include the psychological workup, also. If your wife is consistent, she will ignore this request. This puts the ball back in your court. You fell in love with her once, you can do it again with effort. The "spark" fades in every relationship and it takes creativity to ignite it again. Her participation in these creative behaviors are helpful, but may become a bi-product from what you do out of love, care, concern, and desire to keep the relationship. Can you make this whole, complex relationship about her? What can you do for her beyond the medical conditions she may be dealing with, that are new, exciting, erotic, and other centered? This may even become fun for you. But also remember, women don't put the same importance in sex as men. Think outside the "sexual" box. After you become "all in" in saving this marriage, the choice becomes hers.
I hope you continue to try to save this relationship, but this time, as if there are no options for you. Marriage is a promise.