OLA - Apr 10 2020 at 19:19
Our next door neighbour moved in 4 months ago and myself and husband have never saw her until recently. She was sitting in her garden and my husband had come in after putting the washing out to say he saw her. She is blonde, in her 40s and seems to live by herself. I do not want to bother with her at all as i have never really bothered with neighbours after living next to quite a few who were not nice. My husband said he will say hello to her if he sees her but is not interested in talking. I feel anxiety because I feel my husband will find her attractive and will speak to her if she's around and because he is a sales man he as the gift of the gab. I feel this way because he as been on dating sites in the past and I found last year 10 dating sites in the history on his phone. He said he did not go on them and they were pop ups when you go on sites and he only wants me and no one else. I want to believe him but after seeing the dating sites I feel insecure. We have been on holiday with him and he stared at a woman right in front of me and when we have been out together and it hurts so bad. I know there's nothing wrong in looking but I feel he fancies them and I feel I'm not good enough. I am blonde and try to make the most of how I look but no matter what I do i know he will keep looking and not worry what it does to me. He knows I suffer with anxiety and we have been to marriage counselling on and off for years. The marriage counsellor said I will push him away and maybe to another woman if I carry on thinking he is always cheating and lying to me. I have asked him for a divorce many times and after seeing the dating sites but deep down I don't want one and neither does he but its my anxiety with him. Also he as been on porn sites for years and I told him to stop but he never did. He said he had but he lied to me and it hurts that he as looked at all these women when he as me so I feel I'm not enough for him and told him I dont think I am. Thinking that this neighbour is next door is getting me down and my husband is nice looking but over weight a little and gone grey. It's causing tension between us and I'm waking up thinking she eill be sitting outside in this nice weather and my husband will go out and they will start talking. Please advice me. What woukd anyone else do.
Your issue started long before your new neighbour arrived. It's been ongoing for awhile and your mutual counselling hasn't helped solve much apart from stating the obvious. Respectfully, your husband will always be the way he is, regardless of who he's married to and his actions tell you of who he is. It's up you to either accept it or not.
Do you think I will push him to someone if I carry on like this like what the counsellor said I will do and do you think I'm stupid for putting up with him going on dating sites and lying saying he hasn'tbeen on them. Am I stupid for getting worked up over a neighbour who I know nothing about and will never exchange a word to ever. Should I just let him talk to her if he sees her and think no more of it.
At the end of the day, you shouldn't have to put up with your husband going on dating sites or looking at porn if you don't share the same interest. Rest assured, you won't have to push him to someone else because his actions tell you he's half way there now. You should rather, be married to a man who keeps your heart safe and cherishes your life together. If you don't have this, then you either roll with it and accept it all or leave and find that someone who will help you get over your insecurity and anxiety by loving you just for who you are.
Yeah, it's all very easy for someone else to say it but it's seriously hard for you to make the decision to leave but if that's where your happiness lies, then that's what you will more than likely have to do.
Thankyou for replying again. Yes suppose I do deserve someone who will love me for me. I looked at dirty magazines years ago when we first started out but then I stopped but he carried on. I always thought it was my fault he as looked at it because I started looking at it with him. I know some women don't mind it but the thought that he was would maturbate over a stranger then having have sex with his wife is really hurtful to me. As for the dating sites I have been on them too in the past and I thought if he us doing it to me then I will to him. I done it to see if men find me attractive but all they want is sex. He had his prostrate taken out 3 years ago and said he finds it hard to satisfy me never mind another woman. Yet after having thus taken out of him and our sex life changing I still think he will run off eith another woman and I thought to myself if he dos then it was meant to be and he was never the man I thought he was. I told him he as changed from the man I met but he denies he as.
I could not agree more with Manalone and what advise he/she has given you. I can't express enough that you should not have to worry about things that are like the ones that you have mentioned. You should be able to focus on bigger and better things than if he still talking to other people and or porn. If I was in your shoes I would have a serious conversation about these issues that you have mentioned are serious and should be handled seriously since if he can't respect to you too not cheat and or go on porn than to talk to you.
I hope that helps and I wish you the upmost best for you and your journey!
Take It One Day At A Time! :)