He cancels our plans for his grown son and hides me from everyone
BROWNSHOES - May 2 2020 at 06:05
I've been seeing a man for 18 months now. He insists that we are "friends" and hasn't introduced me to his friends or family, which is ok with me as I have no interest in meeting them (or him meeting mine). Neither of us are dating or sleeping with anyone else (yes, we've had that conversation), so it feels like a relationship. When we started seeing each other 18 months ago, he had a falling out with his 23 year old son. I have always hoped and encouraged that they would make up someday, and about a month ago they finally did. He's been seeing his son often, and spending way more time with him than me. This is ok, I am busy too and I haven't found that the time he spends with his son reduces the amount of time he has for me. Here's my problem: One day, I spent a couple hours visiting this man and it was getting time for our visit to come to an end, but his phone rang. It was his son saying that he was coming over right now to do some activity with his father. The man finished the conversation, making no mention of me, and apologetically asked me to hurry and leave before the son arrived. Although I was pretty much ready to end the visit, this did not sit well with me, just because I knew in my gut that this would not be the first time this man will sweep me under the rug and hide me to make way for his son- and he will always drop me for his son at my inconvenience.
I was right. Fast forward two weeks to today, and it has happened again, and this time I was inconvenienced. I have not seen the man all week even though he has been pleading with me to visit daily. I've been busy, but finally this afternoon I agreed to meet him this evening. I showered, shaved my legs, put on makeup and some nice clothes. I texted to let him know I was about to head over before leaving my house (a courtesy I always do) and he confirmed he was ready for my visit. Fifteen minutes later, I was just about at his house when he called and told me not to come because his son had just called to say he's coming to visit his father. He claims that his son really needs his help with something and he has no friends with knowledge about whatever it is that he needs help with.
How I handled this: I let my man know that I'm not happy, and I told him that he should tell his son that I exist. I made it clear that I have no interest in meeting his son, but he needs to tell the son that I am in his life and that he'd already made plans with me, and that he'd cancelled the plans with me to spend time with him. I told the man to go ahead and let the son visit tonight, AND have that conversation with his son. Then I went home quite pissed off to be honest.
I just know there is going to be a third time... and a thousandth time if this is not handled properly. Is there anything else I should do now, or should have done differently, and what should I do next time? Btw, I know he's not using his son as an cover to see another woman because I can hear his son's male voice when they talk on the phone and make their plans.
Can you elaborate what kind of relationship do you have with this man? When you are together, are you nothing but friends or you are in a what seems to be dating relationship?
Independently, of what sort of relation you guys have, it's straightforward hurtful and egoistical for him just to call you and throw you out as he pleases. This is sorely my opinion, but I think this isn't an acceptable behavior.
His son, isn't a child and even if he was meeting you would do no harm, really. I would be more than happy to know that my father is happy.
Of course you feel hurt. If you talked with him about it, now it's a matter that only him can solve. And always was.
I guess you could say we are friends with benefits. We met through online dating. We see each other 1 to 3 times a week. We share meals at his place and in restaurants, have walks in parks, we work on projects together like building furniture and solving puzzles, we go hiking and to concerts and sporting events. We text each other every day.
The only way to solve this, is by talking to each other. If he doesn't want to do the step forward then I suggest that you take a step back.
I know this isn't easy because you really seem to be happy in that relationship, and aside from that everything is well.
But the truth is, if he doesn't acknowledge you then you guys don't have a relation at all.
Try to do the talk, and see how he answers.
Hi Brownshoes: Please allow me to share some thoughts. Communication and honesty, which have already been shared here, are usually your best choices. However, that may not be as easy as you think. Being honest about your relationship with your "friend" could be uncomfortable. Remember you encouraged and hoped for a reconciliation with your friend and his son, and that is a good thing. Perhaps being inconvenienced two times is not too threatening to your relationship, but being pushed aside a "thousandth" time, may mean things had better change. So, find something between 2 and 1000 where you and you friend can agree, that you need to become a priority if the relationship is to grow. Good luck, and we will be interested in the developments.
Time for an update. I let my friend know how his behavior hurt and inconvenienced me. My friend told me that he doesn't promise that it won't happen again. I really appreciated his honesty- all the other men who've been in my life before only tell me what they think I want to hear. Still, his refusal to see the wrongness of his behavior and make an effort to do differently going forward really hurt and angered me further.
I took a step back from the friendship for about a week although he pleaded with me to just get over it and go back to being friends. After a week we met up to talk. He said he didn't actually tell me to go home that day. He merely warned me that his son would be there too. As I recall, he'd said his son would be there and I said "so do you want me to turn around then?" and he'd said "yeah, guess you better". So he didn't exactly make me feel welcome. I asked what we could do diferently next time, should I show up anyway or just let his son show up and find me there? He said sure, but didn't say anything to encourage this. I feel rather uncomfortable knowing that I could have a surprise encounter with his son at any time. And it could be super awkward knowing that none of the three of us is really interested in having this encounter.
Other than that, he's a great guy. He let me know that our friendship means a great deal to him and he was afraid of losing me. He wants our friendship to continue and remain strong. We'll see what happens...