Walking away from my best friend of 24 years. Am I wrong?
RED_HAT - May 6 2020 at 10:06
Me and my best friend have been inseparable since we were 7. We’ve always been more like sisters. We fight, we make up. We laugh and cry. We’ve been through so much together. My best friend let’s call her K.
Let’s me just take you back a few years before the problems began. We both got married pretty young (20&19). Us both and our husbands were really close, we’d meet at each other’s houses every other weekend. Either cook or go out for a meal, we’d take it in turns who’s house we’d go to. Every few months we’d all go away together for a long weekend or a week abroad. Things were great.
I was unhappy in my marriage, I reached out to her and talked to her about how I felt. She wasn’t really supportive of me wanting to leave. But as months went on. I decided I couldn’t and wouldn’t carry on with my marriage. So we separated. K was more hurt about this, than I was. She completely sacked me off and chose to stand by my husband. Which obviously was very hurtful to me. So we lost touch. I moved away and I started a new slate.
Two years later she got back in touch she called me up, in floods of tears because she’d left her husband too. Immediately I was there for her and we seemed to pick up where we left off. I didn’t care about the hurt or the betrayal. I had my best friend back.
After about 6 months of her being separated, she joined. Dating website. She’d ring me me up daily. Telling me how many people she was sleeping with. Sometimes three a day. I wasn’t too worried at first. I knew she was going through a rebound and she needed to find herself again. But this wasn’t changing. It was effectively getting worse. She was meeting guys off the internet and they’d drive 5 hours to see her and demand for her to pay for a hotel. She’d ring me up at stupid times in the morning asking for money to pay for a hotel. Or to give her money diesel for her car. It’s was like she was obsessed.
I talked to her, I couldn’t understand who this person was. K, my oldest bestest friend. A woman who was so careful with money, who hardly ever drank, who always had a sensible head on her shoulders. This person I knew was slowly disappearing. She couldn’t hold down a job, she was living back with her parents. She was in debt and over drawn. I wondered whether she was depressed or something else was happening here. She said there wasn’t. She was just liiving her life for the first time.
I’m now engaged, I’ve got a house and mortgage payments. We’re currently trying for a baby with no luck. My fiancé understands my commitment to my best friend. Although he’s not a fan of her, he’s always stood by my support to her. -until now.
So Her behaviour is slowly spiralling out of control, up until 2018. She phones me up, tells me about this new guy she’s seeing. Let’s call him F. She’s having to go for a dismissal meeting at work for her inappropriate behaviour at work. She’s not bothered or concerned that she might be losing her job. She tells me that F is going to come with her as she’s allowed someone to be with her for the meeting.
The day of the meeting comes this F isn’t answering his phone, ignoring her completely. She cancelled the meeting with work. She phones me up, really upset that he’s just ignoring her. I tell hire to get rid of him, I’ll go to the meeting with her if she doesn’t want to be alone. She ignores me for a few data. Then she rings me up a week later, laughing at the fact she got sacked, that F was there and he spoke to her manager like shit. She becomes besotted with this F guy and I can’t for the life of me understand why?!
A pattern starts to form, they agree plans. She gets in her car to drive and meet him and he ignores her calls or texts. She’d ring me crying and I’d tell her she deserves better. This carries on like an endless loop. After a few months of him being hot and cold. She rings me up and asked if she could bring him to mine so me and my fiancé could meet him. I agree.
They come and he seemed like an ok guy. He’s 4 years younger than K. He’s funny but not very bright or good looking. I couldn’t really see the appeal if I’m honest. We had a good night regardless.
Two dats later they were going to a New Year’s Eve party at his sisters house. They’d agreed that k would pick F up and travel together to go there. K got halfway there and he turned his phone off, ignored her etc. So k phoned his sister she hadn’t seen him. She phoned me crying. Then the next day still chose to be with him and continue seeing him even after his pathetic excuses and even after seeing him post stories of him with another girl on snapchat the day he’d gone awol.
This has become the norm, I get a phone call every week if something else he’s done and I’ll be honest. I’m tired of hearing it. She’s telling me the same stuff every week. They now live together. He has no job. He goes out on benders all week. Stealing rent money to buy drugs. K keeps losing her job because she wants to stay at home and be with him. He’s cheating and she keeps him.
She loves him. Says when they’re good they’re good. I’ve tried to explain there’s more bad than good. I don’t see what she sees in him
One night she phoned me up, drunk, crying. Said she was parked up by the side of a train track. She’d drunk a bottle of archers and she had a bag of coke that she’d taken. She was in a really bad place, she wouldn’t tell me where she was. The call got cut off and I tried to phone her back. I rang 20 times. No replay. I was that worried I phoned her mum and the police.
Age stopped talking to me. Lied to her mum, said I was jealous of her. We didn’t talk for a while because I was mad at her. Eventually after a few weeks we started talking again. But I told her, if we were going to continue talking we can’t talk about f anymore. She wasn’t taking advise she stopped asking about me and wouldn’t answer my calls when I needed her. It was just all about her and this dysfunctional relationship. We haven’t spoken since.
She messaged me in February this year to tell me she was pregnant. Immediately I was hurt and jealous, because this is what I want too. I think she’s a fool for having a baby with him. Especially when they’re struggling to keep a roof over their heads now and they’re both taking drugs.
I’ve walked away from my friendship with my best friend of 24 years. I know I can’t help her right now. I feel so conflicted, I want to be apart of this journey with her, to be in her babies life. To be there for her. But honestly. I don’t ever see that happening anymore. She’s not even reached out. I left the ball in her court. I’ve had radio silence.
Do I stay away? Or do I try and be in her life? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
You're more than correct, you can't help your friend if she's not going to help herself first. The life she has now totally conflicts with your life and you need people around you who likewise share your values and who support you 100%. K's leading her life the way she wants to but you don't have to be there for her, or even attempt to be there, if you have to drag yourself down to her level and do your head in to do it. Your fiance can see this happening and now, as you post, he's not backing you anymore with the issue.
Sure, you guys go back a long way and she may be your best friend from that era, but true friends will never put you in a quandary and true friends will never throw your assistance back in your face. K will need professional help and if she goes there and makes that effort, then you may be able to be part of her support base in the future, but don't count on it.