So my current boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, and throughout the relationship there have been a lot of red flags- I am starting to think the pattern of behavior is repetitive, but he seems to view these as isolated incidents and claims that he is growing and changing. I want to believe him, and I know that people have flaws and life is about growing with your partner, but I need opinions from third party people about whether or not this is a pattern that will never end. There are a few things that complicate things too- we are currently long distance living 2h apart, and I work a lot of weekends, so we spend weekends apart a fair amount. Also I identify as bisexual and we have fantasized about going to something like a sex party or me hooking up with a girl, but at the end of the day I have told him that I want to remain monogamous and NOT open and he agrees that is what he wants too. Other than these incidents we have amazing chemistry and communication. But this pattern is concerning.
Here is the pattern
1. So when we first started dating he was DMing things to "instagram models" like "beautiful curves," "your body is incredible." etc... CREEPY! I called him out and he defended his actions by saying that he was just "responding to an image." Eventually accepted that it was wrong and has not done that since.
2. A few months into dating he started texting a girl he made out with at a wedding a few years back on the reg- "how is your day?" "i miss you?" "How is your weekend going?" Things that you would do with your best friend, mom, or boyfriend. She lived in California, we live on the east coast. He would say things like "I really want to make my next move out to California." One time they FACE TIMED while I was asleep in his bed! This was the night our parents had met for the first time. He first defended it by saying they were just a friend and they had never hooked up... Because apparently making out at a wedding doesn't count as "hooking up" since they didnt fuck. After defending it becuase he didn't "do anything wrong" he ultimately agreed it was inapropriate contact and hasn't been in contact with her since.
3. He is SUPER friendly and makes friends with everyone- one of the things I actually love about him. When we go places like the grocery store he knows everyones names who work there, about their families. But this can get him into situations I deem inapropriate. There is a female bartender at a local bar and he has made comments about how she seems to really like me and tells him I'm beautiful when he is at the bar (which I am often not at since we live in separate states). He got her snapchat info while I was away, and I thought it was inapropriate and that a man in a relationship doesn't need to be getting bartenders on snapchat, especially ones he seems to imply would fufill a fantasy of desiring me.
4. We were at a Christmas party where a drunk, but beautiful girl, was THROWING herself at him right in front of me- and he sat there and took it. She was stroking his face, all over him. It went on for about 10-15 minutes. Several friends saw how weird it was and were like "do you want me to go do something?" He just sat there and took it. When I was SO upset later he defended his actions by saying he "didn't want to make a scene." Because getting up to use the bathroom/get a drink would be making a scene... Eventually admitted this was wrong. I was so upset that I crashed my car the next day.
5. After this whole scene, he decides to ADD HER ON INSTAGRAM! The drunk girl from the party. After I almost left him. They don't socialize in the same circles or anything- they aren't friends and haven't / hadn't interacted other than that drunk time at the party. When I called him out on how fucked up that was he said that he added her so he could see "if she was a threat to our relationship." Which is SHIT IMO. The only person who is a threat is him who sat there and took it and then gave her a follow! He acknowledges that the action was inapropriate but justifies it with that logic.
6. A few years after the drunk girl at the party is NYE. He met some of my best friends for the first time. We were all staying in a house, and we heard a couple we were with having sex, and both agreed it was hot. Later that night he proceeded to creep on the girl in that couple, was touchey with her, and implied several times to her and her boyfriend that he heard them having sex, thought it was hot, and wanted us to join. I was not part of any of this conversation. They both told me about it after the fact, and he consistently denies it. He says he wouldn't say anything like that to people he just met. So it is just a coincidence that something we talked about in private became a group sex proposition without me.
With the last straw of this he has been crying, saying he will change, acknowledging that his actions have been wrong but continuing to try to justify his behavior. We were supposed to be living together but I resigned my lease because I don't really trust him right now. I know he hasn't done anything overtly wrong (cheated on me, sent nudes to other people --> both of which he has done in previous relationships), but I feel like I am worth more than even these micro-aggressions against me.
Here is where I need your advice, forum: is this behavior really concerning? Do you think this is a pattern or is this just a person wanting to grow? He say he has learned from all of these incidents, but I fear that he will have to do every sketchy action in the damn book before he learns what is okay and what is not okay. But despite all of this shit I really love him.
IDK what to do. Just looking for a response
A 1-1/2 year relationship is enough time to see what’s going on. This guy’s a Peter Pan.
If you want to spend a great amount of energy on him, then go for it. But know he has some character flaws that would challenge any woman. Is that what you want to spend this valuable time?
There's not too many people who would put up with your BF's behavior in any circumstances. Sure, he can be super friendly, but he doesn't set boundaries or doesn't know how to, which protect him as well as other people (you included). You either accept all of him or you don't, because you're wasting your time trying to change him or educate him. When you have to continuously sit him down and explain to him where your values and expectations are and how his selfish actions tread on them in different circumstances, then you're basically dealing with someone who's not on your page, and may never be, regardless of the reasons. Your car accident should tell you of just how his actions can seriously affect you.
It's all OK for you to love him and have 'that' chemistry with him, but he's not giving you any predictability or respect in your relationship together, which is why your trust issues are starting to surface. You resigned your lease which is your instinct kicking in because living with your BF reads like hard work, never mind trying to have a LDR with him.