How can I stop my adult daughter from controlling me?
DEFEATEDANDALONE - May 19 2020 at 15:34
I love my child and overall we have a good and close relationship but she can be overly controlling on my life. It’s as if I need her permission to make my own decisions. In this health environment things have only gotten worse. She doesn’t want me to see anyone or go anywhere. I’m very cautious on my own.
I told her I decided to have my cleaning person return with the understanding that this person wear mask and gloves and I will be out of the house in my office for the few hours that she will be here. I also had to have a refrigerator replaced so there were some repairman here it was wearing mask and gloves and I stayed near the door. And there were other things that life presents that we just need to do. She seem to understand but not be happy about it. The real problem centers on my social life.
i have been in a relationship for almost a year and she is vehemently against me seeing this person.I think she’s using it as an excuse since she really has never been easy to deal with in terms of my dating life. Now I have an issue because her and her fiancé who live out of state want to visit for a few weeks. Do I tell my significant other not come here for a few weeks? She also told me that I shouldn’t see anybody now since it’s a 14 day incubation period and she and her fiancé have been avoiding contact with any other people and she doesn’t want me to give her that could possibly result in the virus because she says her immunity system is depressed. Well the facts are that she sees her doctor twice a week and she visits her fiancé‘s family from time to time. Do I not see anybody for the next 14 days plus the few weeks she’s here or do I just make my own decision and tell her that she can decide whether or not to visit based on my actions?
Also, my bf is having out patient surgery in a few weeks so I planned on staying with him for several days and he’s required to take a coronavirus test. Assuming he’s negative do I tell her so she backs off a bit maybe? I’ve been a widow over 8 years. I think it’s more about her grief than anything else. She gives other reasons why she doesn’t like him but frankly he is very good to me in all respects so she should be happy for me and just keep her remarks to herself. I recognize that by me seeing anyone else including my boyfriend I could be exposing myself or those around me to the virus. However I am very cautious and so is my boyfriend. He lives on in his own home and doesn’t really go out except to come see me each weekend. On the other hand she does go to the doctor twice a week and does see a few friends as well.
By reading your post, I can almost say that you already made your own decision. I know that this pandemic is horrible and a lot of people are dying, but there's no need to be obsessive about it.
We need to learn to deal with it because it will stay for a very long time. Trust me. Even after the vaccine starts to be produced it will take it's time to get everyone vaccinated.
So we need to start living our lives as usual, with proper care of course.
You are an adult. You don't own an answer about your actions and decisions to anyone. Unless you murder someone.
Don't tell your boyfriend not to come. Tell your boyfriend to come. And tell your daughter about it, and she needs to make her own decision if she wanna go or not.
You have the right to be happy. I wish my father found happiness too, but he didn't and he lives with depression now.
But not you. You are happy and you deserve to have everything. A loving boyfriend and loving a daughter.
Don't get this things and attitude get into your head. You pretty much made this decision already.
You are the only one that should be in control of your life.
This is your life. We only get one and have to do what we think is right. Your daughter has her own life, her fiance and her friends. Have your man over if that's what you want. You are a grown adult who can make their own decisions and judgement re life and the virus. If your daughter wants to self isolate then it is her choice but it sounds like she isn't doing that so she can hardly tell you to do it.
Be open about your relationship. If your man is good to you and makes you happy then your daughter needs to accept that. She is not a child and should stop acting like one. You are an intelligent, independent woman who can make her own life choices. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise
I had a really hard and long conversation with my daughter yesterday. I did raise my voice through a good share of the call and was very blunt eventually she did seem to back down. She explained to me how hurt she was the one and only time she met my boyfriend and how overly controlling and rude he was to her. Apparently her fiancé was also upset with him for treating her like that. I did witness some of it and all I can say is I think he felt under stress since he was Meeting her for the first time and his family was also coming over and there was a dispute regarding putting our cat in the basement since my daughter was reluctant to do so but his family is allergic to cats including his grandchildren. My boyfriend did come on too strong and I did witness it and I said something to him that night and asked him if he would perhaps consider apologizing to her. Instead he watched some TV with her and made small talk and that type of thing but never came out and apologized. When I talked to my daughter last night this came up again when I mentioned that he wanted to apologize and would she be willing to listen to him. She said it’s already been six months where is he been all this time and he should’ve apologized when I asked him to back last November. I told her everybody deserves a second chance and he’s been very good to me so would she do it for me at least. I also repeatedly told her if she doesn’t need to like him she just needs to acknowledge him. Unfortunately because of the length of our conversation I never even got around to telling her that I’ll be gone for three or four days while she’s here but I did mention that she should stay a little more than two weeks if that’s what she wants to do and she mentioned that that might be possible. I get where she’s coming from I really do and I am still a little angry at my boyfriend for acting that way to begin with and then not following through with an apology even though he’s willing to do so now. However having said all of this he does really go out of his way to make me happy and he’s very very good to my adult son who has some disabilities so I know he has a lot of good in him to share and he’s not a bad person. If he wants to apologize he should be able to. So I guess I’ll have round two today where I need to tell her I’ll be out of here for a few days. For whatever reason she’s under the impression I haven’t seen him for a few months and that’s probably because I have a mention his name and seeing him on the weekends so to avoid any controversy. She’s going to then wonder why all the sudden I’m running up there to take care of him I haven’t seen him for a few months but I have to deal with that as it develops. What a mess!
This is why communication is so important. At first you didn't even realize what happen.
Part of my family is also allergic to cats, so when them come I lock them in my room. It doesn't do much because everything is always full with cat hair.
You know, I bet that even he didn't realized that he acted in a rude way. I sometimes act very cold to people and don't even realize that.
It doesn't mean that the other person doesn't like you, it just happened. The problem is when it happens every single time.
I'm very proud of you for having this talk with her. It seems that already lifted some weight of your shoulders.
That's why you should never omit things from close persons. Then this time comes and you need to explain why. But it's time you deal with it. If she asks why, just say you didn't thought it was important and laugh it off.
Like we mentioned. It's your life. If he is kind and treats you well. Keep him. Sooner or later she too will realize that.
Im very very anxious telling her I'll be away for a few days while she is visiting to take care of him - he will be tested before I get there so that's not a concern but she'll be very angry I'm spending time with him (albeit not for social purposes) while she is here given I haven't seen her for several months and she lives far away - but she is staying at least 2 weeks and I'm cutting my visit with my BF short by a day or so in order that I'm only away for 4 days instead of a full week.
I promised him I'd help him out for the procedure and he can't change the date he asked already.