Am I in the wrong?
I live with my fiancé of almost 5 years, and we have a child together. We’ve never been the best at communicating with each other especially when there’s any type of conflict. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of resentment toward him because there are times I feel like a single parent and most days he doesn’t help a lot with chores and such. I’ve tried being understanding because he works nights, so naturally he gets home and needs to sleep during the day. That’s not his fault. But even then, there were a lot of days he’d get up and go straight to playing video games and neglect his responsibilities. Meanwhile, I was left to care for our daughter and dog the entire day and also do things like dishes, general cleaning, etc.
I’d tried making comments here and there about how much time he was spending playing games, which he took offense to. One night, he was playing games again and one match had ended and I asked him if he was finished? Before I could continue, he hit play to start another match. He asked why I asked him that. I said well I was wondering if you could go get our daughter a bottle. He said I just started another match, are your legs broke? I took offense to that and went on the defensive. I said no, I do a lot... and left it at that. He snapped and got extremely angry and kept saying what did you mean by that? Are you saying I don’t do anything?? And kept at it. I didn’t answer because I knew we’d end up yelling back and forth and not actually solve anything. He got her bottle and kept saying stuff like here let me feed her since I don’t do anything.
It was time for our daughter to go to bed. He still kept asking what I meant but it seemed he was looking for an argument and wasn’t ready to listen. We’ve been there before with arguments that don’t go anywhere. So I ignored it and took my daughter to bed. I went to bed, too. I woke up a few hours later to use the restroom, and he was gone, and had sent texts saying that he felt I abandoned him and he felt alone and was thinking about ending his life. He had taken the dog on a late night walk while he was feeling that way.
When we returned, I told him my side of things. I told him I knew us arguing wouldn’t have helped anything and I didn’t want to upset our daughter right before bed so I went to bed too. He told me his side, too. How he felt so depressed and alone and he felt I abandoned him at his lowest point and that he has never felt so depressed ever. He didn’t express that at all previously. He did tell me a few days before he’d been feeling low and had thoughts of hurting himself, but he’s gone through that in the past too. I’ve been telling him he needs to see a therapist but he still hasn’t. I still didn’t think it related to our argument that night and it hadn’t come up at all until later on that night. He also said he felt he was offended by me implying he doesn’t do anything because of the sentimental things he does and how he does things like bring food for dinner, and do things for holidays. I told him my side of that, too. I told him I meant more day to day things. He said he felt better after our talk and he understood my side and we went to bed.
Fast forward today, like... 3 weeks later. We had a random conversation over breakfast about how he felt about his abusive mom. Somehow, it came up again that felt so alone and like I abandoned him at his lowest point but he said it took a couple days to feel better about it. I told him it didn’t sound like he was over it. He let it slip that no, he’s not but he is “getting there.” It totally threw me off guard because I thought we were 100% over that situation and we were doing ok for the first time in a little while, at least from my perspective. It made me feel like I don’t even know when we are truly ok or not, and left me wondering if I really did something wrong that night or if he is overreacting and needs to see a therapist.
Any advice welcome.
You shouldn't have to ask your fiance to help with your daughter because parenting is a shared responsibility regardless of work circumstances, and if he throws back in your face when you have to ask, then his actions are doing the talking. There should be no conditions when it comes to parenting and it's never ending and therefore it's a 'constant' where tit for tat doesn't get a look in. Sure, your man works night shift and while not his fault, it's still his decision to do so.
Your actions of bearing the workload of daily chores because he needs to sleep just shows how lop sided your relationship is. You post about communication in relationships and that the fact that your fiance felt better after discussing things with you which should tell him that if he does have depression issues, then counselling is the way to go if he's serious about getting on with life with you. There's no way should he bring it up to use it against you, when he knows that counselling is available to everyone. Above all else, he needs to understand that you guys have a child and you need to provide a safe and happy environment for her to thrive.
Them you. I definitely just want what is best for our child. I have suggested therapy many times and he always claims he doesn’t need it. He says he can work through things himself and the stuff he has trouble with it will just take time. He claims we don’t need therapy as a couple because “it’s not like this that often.” I’m at a loss. We talked again today and he said he is going to be hurt about the situation for a while because no matter how I spin it he thinks I abandoned him when he was at his lowest. We still didn’t get anywhere.
By seeing this post I can already tell that man needs help, like asap. There are various things that happen to his body when you work nights.
Things that aren't in his control, and that may be why he feels like a dose of dopamine instead of searching other stuff.
I would try to talk to him, to check with your usual doctor. Not everyone's body is adapted to work night shifts. Talk to your doctor, see if there's no way for him to change his work schedule. I would even recommend another job,
if this is impossible in this one. Go take some sunlight when he wakes up.
He needs help, so that then he can help you. Some of the symptoms you already mentioned in this post. Mood, depressive states, overthinking, probably tired and low libido maybe.