Paranoid my girlfriend still loves her ex
I cant believe I'm actually here writing this.
Ok so a bit of back ground me and my partner have been together for 18months and I know what your thinking it's a long time to be harbouring these feelings. But I havent only the past 9 months when my partner called me by her ex name did I start to think she still had feelings for him.
I wish I didnt. My girlfriend tells me all the time that she loves me and wants only me etc etc but I just find it so hard to believe it. I've been in 3 serious relationships since the age of 17. 1st one I got married at 18 years old stupid but was my 1st love and I got cheated on her and my best friend. So my trust had gone. But my last relationship was the worst lied to and lied about to everyone was made out to be this abusive partner and I'd never laid a finger EVER!! Then I met my partner a breath of fresh air honestly best thing that has ever happened to me but now I'm ruining it with this paranoia and insecurity.. so fast forward....
This relationship now... I mentioned her calling me her ex name there have been 3 more occasions after that most recent was about 4 months ago while we were drinking. We weren't even talking about him or anything and out the blue she calls me by his name.. shes been messaging him also asking if hes okay but lying to me about it. Until the other day when I found out she had been deleting messages from him. I dont know what to think.. lying is a big no no for me but shes already lied massively. She says it's because she doesnt want me to feel paranoid about it. Yet she deletes messages. She gave some excuse and said what the messages were meant to of said. But I cant believe here.. I just need someone to tell me straight and make me see that I'm being stupid.. please help me
I’m not too sure that you are being stupid or paranoid, it does sound a little suspicious.
You have also been hurt in the past in two different relationships last so it’s more then understandable that you don’t want history to repeats itself again. It sounds like your being weary and have learnt what signs to look out for. But have you had counselling for this?
Your gf might just be friends with her ex, she might text him from time to time but if she’s hiding/lying about it that makes it sneaky. That’s only going to make you feel paranoid because of your past.
I find it hard to believe that someone would mistake of calling your bf your ex’s name more then once, that’s something you don’t repeat more then once in my opinion...
Do you think her excuses are believable/ do they make sense and do her actions match what she says?
Yeah it's all good that your GF tells you that she wants you and only you but her actions are saying something else. She shouldn't need to lie to you about being in contact with her ex, she should rather be telling you upfront about why it's happening. There's heaps of people who keep in contact with their exs for different reasons but there's those who are upfront and honest about it from day 1 and there's those who betray their current partners by lying about it.
If she didn't want you to be paranoid about it, it'd be out in the wind and she'd be discussing it with you and the reasons why she's doing it. She needs to understand that she's damaging your relationship as well as kicking you while you're down about it, at the same time. Your insecurity could be over riding and confusing you but you need to listen to your gut because it'll tell you without fail, where you're at.
If you've been knocked down and rolled and hurt from previous relationships, then you need to get your trust levels back up there but you need to choose the right partner to be able to achieve this - someone who understands your past and who will respect you as well as love you for who you are.
Thank you for the reply guys. I honestly dont know what to think. She tells me she doesnt care about him but is texting him to see if hes ok because there daughter said he seemed upset on the phone. But they are in contact every day. Apparently it's about the kids. I dont want to be the partner who goes through a phone. That's not the person I am. But i do feel she still harbours so kind of feelings.. she is amazing to me but that 1 lie and deleting them messages has really messed up my head.
I think I do need to see a counsellor just for my benefit. But with the whole lockdown it's hard too that why I'm writing to here.
Again thank you for your comments and help it's really appreciated
If she has kids with him I guess that changes things and makes it more understandable why she’s in contact with him. They share responsibility of their kids together he might always be around in the background. And if she’s worried about them she might contact him About them if she’s concerned.
But you’re right in that she doesn’t have to be in contact all the time only when it’s necessary. I think it depends on how old her kids are too, if they’re old enough to have their own phones and are able to contact her themselves. As they get older contact might become less.
I would ask her not to hide it from you and just be open with you if she needs to contact with him. You can be more in control of your feelings then. The more she shares the more you will understand and not get confused.
Is there a pattern here? Three Relationships with emotionally Unavailable women?
This gal has some unfinished business with her ex and it is affecting your relationship. You are just now able to see and feel it (and hear it too.)
Perhaps a break is in order.
You might benefit from some counseling to help you develop skills in finding worthy women .
Although you’ve been in a previous relationship where mistrust and lies reigned, I would be suspicious about her.
I was going to say that you might be projecting what happened in your previous relationship onto your new partner, but it seems her behaviour is recurring.
What you should be looking for are 1) patterns and 2) incongruence
She tells you she loves you and not to worry, but then she messages her ex and lies to you. That’s a red flag.