Concern for soon to be Sister-in-law
JACK.EL - May 27 2020 at 08:05
New to this forum, but I'll jump right into it. My soon to be sister-in-law and I do not have the best relationship to say the least, that is I'm mostly invisible to her and she'd never divulge what I know. My fiancé wants to keep me in the loop and is forthcoming of her family's affairs and I was told earlier last week of something troubling. She (my soon to be SIL) had been dating this guy for a number of years and thought they were each others "one", but he ended up being very bull-headed and his behavior was coming into question near the end of their relationship. Yes, on Valentine's Day no less, they broke up (she broke it off), but he cannot get over it. He's shown up randomly to her place, wouldn't stop sending e-mails and letters, has had flowers delivered to her home, and her workplace.
We thought the worst was over, but he kept finding excuses to get her to listen to him or have him come over to "talk", which the last time ended up with him putting his hands on her and trying to force-kiss her. Her family has become distraught and quite frustrated by the whole situation, as am I. We hadn't heard from "David" (name changed for anonymity) in over a month when the worst part to happen came up last week. We thought he was out of the picture but he e-mailed her out of the blue telling her that he "finally" sold his old place and NOW lives... yup, 4 streets away from her. Call me paranoid, but we are all not ok with this, my soon to be SIL does not know I know about this, but I actually fear for her safety now. He's shown nothing but escalating behaviors in my opinion and to move clear across town (literally) to almost a few streets away? It stinks to high heaven! I don't like it, but she doesn't know I know and I want to break it to her that I support her, that I'm there for her, and I will help protect her if she needs it, but I can't say anything since she never told me, and it has left me feeling very unnerved by the whole situation. Do I not inject myself into the conversation and leave it with her and her family since it doesn't truly involve me? I am finding it hard holding back, I don't like this guy, and I don't like that he is using manipulative tactics to hurt her and also try and worm his way back into her life. What should I do?
Thank you all.
The guy is stalking your soon to be SIL but it's up to her to do something about it. If it's as serious as you post, then she needs to go legal with it. Sure, she'll need her family's support to do this and if you are marrying into it, then you will be part of it however you feel about the situation. You need to look at why you don't enjoy the best of relationships with her because it's telling you that she's not accepting of you 100% and if you put your 10 cents worth in to her, however well meaning and supportive it is, about her personal situation, it'll only blow up in your face.
Hi Jack: It can be difficult doing the right thing when you are not sure if it will ever be appreciated or even appropriate. I believe once you understand this is more about her than you, your response becomes obvious.
You suggest this may be a safety issue for you SIL. If this is true, and you have already shared this observation with your fiance and other family members, your actions become other centered. It is not about you, it is about her safety. Once she recognizes your intent is for her safety, I believe a reconciliation is inevitable. Act accordingly and I wish you and your future SIL the best.