Feeling like a terrible person and completely lost my sense of self
I'll try keep this brief but it might be lengthy. Thanks in advance for reading. I am basically i'm feeling like a terrible person. I'm racked with guilt, shame and disappointment in myself. I've always tried to be a decent person but just am feeling like my life has spiralled. I'm a female in my 30s living away from my home country. Over the past couple of years i've had bad anxiety, depression and just feelings of being lost. I am normally quite good at picking myself up again but just couldn't manage it. I was prescribed citalopram. I went through a phase where I was drinking far too much. I had a night out with a friend when I very first started taking citaloptram. It was just casual dinner and drinks but long story short ended up in hospital. I went from being fine to out of it. My friend who was seemingly okay got us an Uber and dropped me off at the complete wrong suburb. I ended up unconscious face down in someones garden. She had taken off. I hIad access to gift cards in my job and I used these to pay for some facial treatments I needed for my injuries and some other things. I was struggling financally more than I have every in my life. I had started replacing these but my role was made redundant. I will find a way to replace these one way or another but just feel racked with guilt. I have taken drugs probably four times over the past couple of years which is out of character for me. I dabbled lightly as a teenager and had a couple(like literally 2) blips in my 20s. As hypocritical as this might sound I’ve always been quite anti-drugs and always hate myself after I’ve done something like this. My brother was heavily involved in drugs dealing and taking and got our young sister involved too. He came to the country I’m living in to get away from that lifestyle. I borrowed money for his flights here, I put him up for a month. I paid for everything, took him on trips, gave him my car, helped him get clothes for work. He is doing quite well now but I feel like he forgets I was so good to him. He speaks to me terribly sometimes. He gave me such a hard time about being a bit of a mess. I spoke up for him when he was assaulted and he called me a psycho and told me not to get involved. He then blocked me on Facebook. I lend him money all the time and he quite often delays paying me back and then gives me so much grief when I chase him up for it. I met his best friend recently and he didn’t even know I existed or that he had another sister in the same country. But he knows about my youngest sibling who just arrived a few short months ago. My brother has introduced her to drugs aswell from a young age and there’s nothing I can do about it. They used to listen to me, we used to be close but I just feel distant from them now. They can’t even have drinks on a work night in the house without getting a bag of something and have just bonded over this party lifestyle. My sisters bf told me he respected me because I don’t get involved with that stuff. But it just made me feel like a fraud in light of recent behaviour and I actually feel like I’ve let them down. I’ve always been there for them but they just don’t treat me with respect and we rarely spend time together anymore. It just makes me feel shitty about myself. I just feel so ashamed and guilty over my behaviour over the past couple of years and feel like I’ve let myself and my family down. I don’t know how to fix it. Everything is just a mess.
Before commenting about your life, lets try to forget this mess and tell me some things so I can try to help.
Are you still taking anti depressants? If you are, what ad are you taking? Do you feel suicidal?
How is your daily life? What do eat? You think you eat healthy?
Have any friends or anyone close to you?
How is your work going? Is it close to home? Do you like your co workers?
You talk about your brother and sister but what about your parents?
I"m not still taking Anti-depressants. No I don't feel suicidal.
I do healthy most of the time, but have my cheats like everyone. Definitely binge drinking more than I like these past couple of weeks.
I do have close friends. Not currently working, been made redundant twice this year.
Our parents are separated years, my sisters dad actually died. I don't have a relationship with my dad.
My mum is back in our home country. I'm the oldest
Not sure where or why your guilt comes from. Perhaps, as the oldest child, you have taken on the role of the caretaker/parent for your younger siblings. Has it always been that way?
This is a burden and unfair to you, since you have now passed your own “youthful indiscretions” phase and are entering a more adult life period.
Step away from trying to parent and just be a good role model for getting through the twenties in all one piece. That’s about all you can do ( except stopping the enabling and loans to irresponsible youths)
Counseling may help you, too. Your own life needs living, now.