Should I be trying to escape?
I think my mum might be abusive but its really difficult to accept this. I've been talking to someone online and I have told him the kind of things my mum says and does including calling me worthless among other horrible names and pinning me down to hit me and throwing chairs at me. My mum isn't the only one to do these things to me, my dad has slapped me across the face a few times and comments on my weight a lot and uses horrible names too but not to the same extent my mum does. These things happened maybe 2 or 3 years ago but they still affect me.
I have panic attacks and have invasive memories and that person that I have been talking to says I could have PTSD from it although I'm finding it difficult to accept such a severe mental illness as the answer to why I'm experiencing these things since it seems to me that kind of diagnosis belongs to people who are without a doubt abused or went to war or something else actually traumatic and unlike something I experienced. Everyone has gotten hit and yelled at by their parents but I'm struggling to understand why it affects me so much.
Recently I've been having more invasive memories that have led to me having huge panic attacks and having immense feelings of a need to escape and get help but should I be searching for it? Do I deserve that help that could maybe instead be given to someone who is in immediate danger? I'm not in any immediate danger but I still have fantasies of not being in contact with my parents. I've been thinking of cutting off all contact with them for years but I don't have the means to do that yet. I don't have the finances to find my own place and escape them but should I be trying to escape them at all? Rent prices are insane so that's not possible at the moment as with all the money I've saved up in my 18 years would only pay 1 month's rent in a semi-decent place. Should I be trying to get out now even though I don't think I'm in any immediate danger? Or should I wait until after I'm finished college, to get a good job so I can move out in 4 years time and cut them off?
Not everyone gets/was hit by their parents, yes it does happen but (thankfully) there are parents who know how to discipline properly and don’t resort to hitting.
Both your parents go to the extreme and it is physical and verbal abuse so no wonder you want to escape As soon as you can. It doesn’t matter when it happened the point is that it has happened and your now suffering with what does sound like (complex) PTSD. Counselling would really help you, although with Covid going around I’m not sure how easy that would be at the moment (?) but it is good you’ve already opened up to someone and on here. Self help is also a good thing
Your mum sounds like a very unhappy person and when she’s down you’re her punch bag and your dad seems to think it’s ok to bully you too. Both of these are toxic relationships.
Cutting off parents though isn’t easy (I know) as much as you fantasise/want it to happen. They will react in some way.
Is there a relative Or family friend you can trust and talk to? You can continue update this thread too if it helps
I just want to thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. I've been to counseling with my parents before for social anxiety(and my counselor just recently called and said that she's removing my files because she doesn't think I need counseling anymore). I guess my counselor may have suspected something after I said that me and my parents fight a lot and she sent them to parenting classes (which seemed to do nothing). I've never told her the details of what happened but I don't think she's the right person to tell (because my counseling was for anxiety not something else). I also fear she might try take some sort of action that might just restart what happened a few years ago but maybe, even more, hitting or something.
I've opened up to someone very close before and he didn't care but we no longer talk either. I'm also terrified to tell my own friends this because they might have the same reaction as the first person I told. I don't think anyone in my family would be of any help either because my siblings were all hit too (except my younger brother) and I guess they got over it and my sister even tells me to forgive my mum, my dad says that they're the only family I'll have and I should hold onto them for dear life and just yesterday I heard my mum talking on the phone to my aunt and she was talking about how "a whack never hurt them". It seems like I'm the only person in my family that is affected.
I also feel as if I deserved it because my mum went through a really tough life due to her experiencing something awful (the big R-word) and my dad says that I only get hit because she feels threatened because she's never gotten therapy. I just want to thank you again for your reply, it means a lot.