Long distance dilemma. I care for him and don’t know what to do. Help!
I’ve known R for about a year we met on a dating site (cringe I know but hasn’t everyone done this?) We got on so well we had an instant connection. We spoke about everything nothing was off limits it would even get sexual some night. Here’s the thing he lived about 250 mile away from me, he would always say come down and see me but I had been hurt in the past and felt like traveling 250 mile to catch feelings for someone then have to come home would hurt me all over again. Anyway jump to 2020.
He called me one day and said he needed to come and see me he was sick of just talking on the phone and needed to see me. I never understood why he had always said I was different from the girls in his area they were all not on his wavelength. That’s what he liked about me, the fact that we had a mental and physical attraction and could get on so well. So he drove the 250 mile to see me, as soon as he saw me he flung his arms around me and said am I dreaming? Am I really here? Is it really you? He stayed with me for a week and it was the best week I’ve had in a long time. We went places, chilled on the sofa, laughed, he met my friends. They even said they could tell he really liked me. He turned round the day before he was due to leave and asked me if I wanted him to move up with me. My response was a bit of surprise and shock. In my head I was screaming yes but out loud I said is it not too soon? His response was plain and simply no.
He said he was so happy for the first time in a long time said he loved it up here and loved spending time with me. He went home the next day and to say I was upset was an understatement he told me he didn’t want to go but had to as his dad had a job and he needed to help him (he works with his dad they are self employed.) when he got home he would text me each day or we would have phone calls. I didn’t mention before but we would always be on the phone to each other for hours and end up falling asleep on the phone together. This still would happen when he went home. He said I needed to come and see him I was worried though as where I live alone he still lives with his parents but he said it would be ok. I planned to go down a month later. A few days before I was due to go down I had not heard from him, my anxiety peaked. Why would he stop contacting me when he knew I was coming down. He told me he missed me but when I was meant to be seeing him I never heard.
He called me the day I was due to go down apologizing he said he was having problems at home. His mother who he told me suffered with mental health was having an episode and he didn’t want me coming down while this was going on. I told him I understood but he still could of told me. He said he wasn’t in the frame of mind to talk to anyone. Anyway I ended up going to see him a few days later. We had to stay in a hotel because the situation he said was still bad. I never got to meet his mum or dad, we stayed in a hotel and had a good day. It was so nice to see each other again. I was meant to stay for a few days but only stayed one night as he did not have enough money to pay for more nights in a hotel. He said he would come back home with me the next day. The next day came and he said he couldn’t come back with me as he had no money and refused to come up when he had no money. He said he had a few jobs coming up and once they were done he would follow me up.
I told him I didn’t care and that he should still come up. But he didn’t I was so upset I didn’t want to leave him. Going down there put everything in perspective I felt unhappy seeing the way he lived. He had no money due to being self employed and not getting the work. He lived with his mother who was unwell. He didn’t looks happy the way he did when he was up here with me. I got home and after that things just went downhill we’ve hardly spoke or been in touch. He doesn’t answer my calls, I called him on a withheld number and he answered. He didn’t sound the same he said he was out walking that he didn’t want to talk to anyone. He said he was depressed and I could tell in his voice. I don’t know what to do now, I want him to be ok. I know he would be happy up here, but he won’t come with no money. I don’t want to keep calling and texting because I don’t want to annoy him. I don’t know what to do for the best. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you x
The guy needs to understand that LDRs need constant communication for them to have any hope of surviving. Sure, he has his issues with his mother and the lack of money, but he still should feel like talking to you about it and if he had you on his mind, he'd need to talk to you. The fact that he won't respond to your texts and calls tells you that you're not his priority at the moment and that 'the ball is in his court'. All you can do, is look at his actions and ask yourself why you feel you would be annoying him by simply reaching out to him, when he basically owes it to you to talk to you, rather than ignoring you.
Thank you for your response MANALONE. I understand what your saying. It’s been 3 days since we spoke, I’m going to leave it for a week and not reach out to him. If I’ve not heard from him I’m going to move on and let him go. Obviously I’ll let him know that it’s not working for me and hope one day he can be happy and find someone who he cares about. Because clearly that person isn’t me.