Advice needed for surviving mental abusive partner & being intimate
Its going to be hard to fit 5 years of stuff into one paragraph but ill try!
Basically I have dated & lived together with a very mentally abusive, angry, guy for 3 years. I got the courage to break up with him but for the past 2 years we have been on & off constantly. He has gotten better with not throwing things or name calling things along those lines, but tigers don't change their stripes. His bark is bigger than mine and half the time he's awful and we argue and the other half he's so nice and is the man I love and miss when were apart.
What my current struggle is ALL my friends & family HATE him because they know all the psycho crazy things he's done to me. When things were BAD for the first 3 years I lost the attraction & confidence to want to have sex with him. Now that he's improved and I've developed some sort of a backbone, I still don't have it in me to have the confidence to want to be intimate with him. And I understand it is hard for him to be in a relationship with little to no sex but my body almost rejects him. How do I basically retrain my brain and body to be more intimate with him? I just want to be in a happy relationship but I want it to be with HIM. I can go on & on about our dynamic but thats basically one of the issues right now.
Just to add to that. He's always very passively aggressive about bringing up the fact that we arent intimate a lot. Its never compassionate when I open up to him and tell him I have a hard time of doing that with him again because of how bad he was in the past. He almost threatens that if I dont make a move hes "going to find someone who will". It just hurts. And I understand his struggle but still.
You don’t trust him yet, do you? Because if you did, your body would follow your mind and you would want to be intimate with him.
Listen to your gut feelings. Make him earn your trust again - if he can.
In the meantime, notice his bullying tendencies. And the “ shame” he tries to put on you about the whole situation. Take a good look at his character and see if you want to be vulnerable to him, mind and body.
( Sounds like he has no real idea how to treat you so you will fall in love with him again. )
I don't really trust him that much. I know he loves me and I hear it from all his friends that he does its been 5 years. But he's lied about things in the semi-recent past that I just cant get over. He has made improvements Ill give him that but hes VERY stubborn and VERY "proud" i guess you could say. My body I feel like is just too far gone from our past and all the back and forths. I tell him he needs to earn my trust but he gets impatient and puts the blame on me.
This makes me sad , you deserve better .
He isn't a nice man and to me what his doing to you isnt actions of love.
Don't be intimate with him until he changes his ways seek counseling or pray that god gives you discernment.
This is where I feel stuck and in a unique kind of situation, he has seen therapists, he does see a psychiatrist for some sort of anxiety or mood stabilizing medication (when he remembers to take it).
We have been back and forth so much that during one of the times we were split up he did get help and even tried hurting himself.
But now I feel like I am way too deep into this relationship that my whole way of life, friend groups, etc., revolves around him.
Its not like he's nasty all of the time, but for some reason it feels like my body wont forget the first three years of our relationship and what he used to do, does that make sense?
He's improved a lot but all my friends and family have not forgot, no one likes him (& for good reason) he's tried reconciling and some didn't want to hear it.