Trust and self esteem issues
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1 year. He was single for 3 or 4 years before me. At 3 weeks in we became exclusive, but 4 months in I found out that he had still been actively swapping videos and talking about sex etc with multiple other woman. In hs defence, he did stop on his own accord 1 month before I found out. I had a cry etc and he deleted a couple of girls in question from his Facebook. Hooooowever he was still snapchatting and liking pictures of old dating app matches and girls from around town that he just randomly followed on Instagram and Facebook. We had a few arguments about this and every time we argued he would have a small clean out. But there were still always more that he couldnt seem to get rid of. During isolation he was talking to this girl who he knew I was uncomfortable with - she was married but very comfortable talking to my boyfriend about her sexual desires and fantasies. They would send sex memes and gifs back and forth. I had another wee fit and he ended up just blocking her. On Facebook, he still has her on IG. Everytime I get upset about the past he says he feels like he has paid his dues, but he hasnt really shown me that he is serious about just me by deleting these woman completely. He says he loves me etc and is kind and sweet but continuously following and liking random girls isnt going to make me feel like you're done with that life. I made the mistake of going through his phone (was how I found out that he was talking to other women) and there were so so many conversations to many women about all his sexual desires. However, I felt like i was reading messages written by somebody else because I feel like he rarely likes to have sex with me, even though I am open to most things. The conversations to other women went on right up to the point when he met me (tinder match), so I sometimes feel like i wasnt anything special,I just happened to say yes when everyone else said no.
What is prompting me to write all this now is the fact that communication through the day has gone waaaaaaaay down from what it usually is. I always let him text first because I dont want to be clingy, and the past couple days he has contacted me only a couple times, where he used to send kisses and love yous throughout the day. I had an absolute meltdown the other day and he said I was being immature, which now that I look back on it, I so was. On this occasion his phone was flat and he was working with his boss.
I dont know if i am just being paranoid and I dont know how to get rid of the anxious feelings I always have. Im always worried he will fall out of love with me. I am also worried that my meltdowns are going to ruin a good thing, because the thing is that i KNOW he isnt doing anything behind my back (at least not in person!), and we have so much fun together when im not being an idiot. Anyone else felt like this? How did you overcome it?