Hi, so this is going to be a very lengthy explanation since this has been going on pretty much since I was born. I have never publicly shared these issues with anyone except for one person who I fully trust. Now though, it's really getting out of hand more than it ever has and I am honestly terrified of what might happen next and I need some outside views of what I should do. I apologize in advance if some things aren't explained well or if my grammar is horrid because I'm writing this at 1:30 in the morning because I can't sleep. Thank you for your time for reading my issues.
The content I'm going to share may be sensitive subjects to some readers. Please do not read or stop reading if it makes you uncomfortable.
So, my parents absolutely hate each other, and that's an understatement. Why they don't get divorced? I don't know. I am just about to turn 19 next month and I am about to go INSANE. I would move out ASAP if I could but every time I tried to get a job between school years during high school (I just graduated this month) I would get violently sick from numerous different things. So, I said screw it I guess I'm not meant to get a job yet and gave up. I let my car go to garbage because I had no reason to go out (I'm highly anti social I hate going out if I don't have to or plan to and I live in an extremely small town so what is there to do?) and I didn't get my license or have driven much at all. I'm honestly terrified to drive. So, I decided to focus on my grades which I got a 4.0 my senior year (granted none of the teachers gave a crap) but I'm very proud of it. Sorry I'm terrible at keeping the same subject.
Anywho, where do I begin? Well I guess I should start with my parents' background. My mom grew up in a family that didn't care about her. Her mother never gave her any words of encouragement, any words of affection, nothing. Never had anything nice to say. She punched my mom for letting my sister have bare feet in her baby pictures. Yeah, that kind of woman. Her much older sisters were massive sluts. One of them that was the meanest let her child rip my moms hair out when she was two (they are 20 years apart). Her mom told her that she tried to get rid of one of her kids to my mom and my mom only. Another one of my moms sister's daughter (there were 6 of them) wore a skirt that showed off her butt at her moms funeral. And all her siblings stole the insurance money from her that was stated for her in the will. So, having that kind of upbringing, you'd think shes got trust issues. And you are absolutely right. She over thinks everything and constantly has her walls up and acts like the world is against her. A simple joke toward her will make her hate you and dont you think she'll forget it. It's extremely hard to read her and she can be unpredictable. Even though its walking on eggshells with her sometimes, I honestly am more comfortable with her than my dad. I have a similar personality to her and I can have a meaningful conversation with her. I've grown a lot closer to her especially in recent years.
Now on with my dad. Oh, boy. My dad didnt have a good childhood either. His mom left when he was nine (hes the oldest of 6 other kids) and apparently he says that he remembers his mom throwing him up against the wall when he was two or three and he says "and that's the day I lost my mother." His dad definitely wasnt a parent figure. He drank, he swung around with countless women. He was (at the time) known as the meanest man in town. My aunts and uncle and my dad would all talk about the pranks he'd pull like ripping clumps of hair out and shoving it in burger buns at the grocery store. Calling people fat asses in public. Putting ghost peppers in chili to the point where his kids would blow out both ends (which apparently was funny because someone blew out the back in a perfect square on the ground). But the worst part is that my aunt got into heroine because of him. And she wasnt the only one. My grandpa molested my aunt (his own daughter) and touched her sister. My aunt is in a really bad situation now and she cant get out of it. I think why my dad holds onto all of these things because we're living here where he grew up in the same house (which is creepy as hell and terribly built). So, my dad pretty much had no discipline, no manners, no values or anything growing up. I'm pretty sure that's why he acts like a toddler in a 60 year old mans body now.
Now I'm about to share with you something I shouldn't know about.
My freshman year of high school was already a turbulent time for me. But, I discovered something I really wish I hadnt. My dad was helping someone get back on their feet after they had been in prison (or jail? I dont remember). I admire him for trying to help people, but they always come back and want to mooch and the people he helps are absolutely disgusting people (not saying that everyone coming from prison/jail/rehab/whatever are bad people. But the guy in particular was a 40 year old man who raped and impregnated a 15 year old girl and had just been released from confinement. And he was letting that man roam the yard where I was. Didnt care. A few days later I dont remember what we were doing but I was in the back of my dads truck and he was driving me somewhere I think and he stepped out for a minute. I was bored and tired so I was just kinda staring off and looking around and I saw these papers that read "Sex-offender Registration." I immediately was concerned but I didnt ask because I was scared to. A couple days later I asked my mom about them. She laughed in my face and loudly announced "your dad isnt a sex offender!" And boy did she make sure my dad heard.
I never forgot about it. I always was a little uneasy around my dad because he became more awkward around me the older I got, but this made it a little worse. The summer before my junior year, my suspicions were confirmed.
My current boyfriend and I were lying in the backseat of his car and he had this weird look on his face. I kept poking at him about it and he asked "you really wanna know? Because I dont think you want to." At this point I started to freak out, but he reassured me it wasnt about us. He finally told me "my parents didnt want me to be the one to tell you this but since you really want to know, my parents found your dad on the state troopers website." I immediately knew what it was but he pulled it up for me.
And there it was. My dads face under the sex-offender category. Victim: age 11 female. New years day. 2 years in prison. (Since I'm going to talk about this later I'm gonna give it a random place that is fake and not the real place it happened at: Utah). Thanks for blatantly lying to me mom, you're a great actor (how ironic that she says she hates lying with a passion).
Immediately embarrassed I already told him I knew. I asked him what his parents thought and they weren't happy with it, but they still like me, just not my dad as much. (They're strict pentecostals so that says a lot).
My parents marriage (now that I have all that out of the way) was never good. My mom only dated him because he was the only one available. Her mom forced her into marrying him (probably to try and get her approval because he wanted it desperately). My dad bought a Harley-Davidson motorcycle for himself and almost got the car and the house repossessed because of it. He would go to auctions and buy worthless things. Hes still in debt to this day. They pretty much didnt talk about money at all. My mom quit working to become a housewife like he wanted her to and a lot of the time my mom couldnt have health insurance or shed have to buy clothing from the thrift store or eat ramen noodles when things got really tight. Things just happened and they ended up in a fight. My mom didnt find out about what my dad did until years after they were married and she found out through his siblings, so that's going in the ol' bucket of resentment. My mom tried to talk to him about it and all he said was, "I dont have to talk to you about anything." Great sounding communication already ay? They tried to work things out through multiple sessions of couples counseling and nothing worked. But oh hey they're still married? Wow I cant see my hand in front of my face from all the red flags. And things just got worse from there. It took 2 miscarriages and a buttload of misery about infertility for my mom to finally give birth to my older sister (who's 4 years older than me). However, during her pregnancy, one of her sisters children needed somewhere to stay because her mom was out being a whore. That child was the devil. My mom would constantly have to go to the school because she was misbehaving which was exhausting because ya know shes pregnant. She even tried to kick my mom in the stomach while she was sleeping. But my dad babied her like she was his own daughter and built her stuff and never got onto her and even got mad at my mom for trying to discipline her. And mind you, she was 10. More than old enough to know what not to do. They finally put her into custody of someone else who she actually wanted to be around. But according to my dad, my mom was the control freak and was always in his ear about every little thing he did. Because you know maybe every little thing he did was freaking retarded. And no I'm not biased because I've seen both sides of their fights and neither one of them want to listen to each other the majority of the time.
So now that you know how they work and where they come from, I'm gonna share with you how I grew up.
I grew up in a tense household. Wow shocker. Holy cow. They were fighting as long as I can remember. Probably one of the most traumatizing ones was when I was 5 years old they were screaming at each other outside. I was standing off to the side frozen in fear and my dad picked up a chair and threw it at her. It didnt hit her. Things got quiet for a while. My dad came home with flowers and said I'm sorry. She told him to go to hell.
I used to be close to my dad. I remember when he'd go lay down to take a nap I'd jump under his head and say "I'm a pillow!" And then he'd tickle me. So he wasnt all mean. To me at least back then. He was actually a dad when I was really really little.
But as I got older he would sit in his office and play videos games for longer and longer. He would get irritable every time I would bother him so I would just sit in silence just to be in there with him. My mom would usher me out of the room sometimes because she didnt like me being in there with him by myself. Then I became addicted to video games. It got to the point where my sister and I would fight over the computer and then he would too.
My sister and I used to play games together all the time until she got older and slipped into her teenager years. She became a huge stuck up bitch after she started running track and all through high school. So I got used to playing alone and being alone.
By 5th grade I got really depressed (probably hormones because that's when I got my first period). I had no friends (I never really did but 1). Until a couple of bratty girls at school got a hold of me and made me into something I wasnt. Everyone was busy at home (my mom is always doing something). So I just kinda felt like sitting in the dark and crying. I didnt wanna eat. I didnt wanna do anything. I didnt say much. I didnt smile much. I got my first C in my life at school. If anyone asked me what was wrong I would just say "I'm tired" which wasnt a lie I was tired. I was exhausted. But other than that it was either I didnt actually know or there were too many things to explain all at once so i didnt make the effort.
My sister got closer to my dad and I got farther. And I got closer to my mom because she always had my back when I got in trouble by my dad (that didn't help their relationship now did it?).
Probably the worst part of my childhood were the fights. And holy crap were there plenty. Any time they raised their voices I immediately ran to my bed and hid. I couldnt eat or sleep when anyone was even remotely irritated. I became hypersensitive to my moms facial expressions and the way she did things like how hard she would slam doors or if she was stomping to determine the mood in the house which she mainly controlled.
They would sometimes wake me up in the middle of the night screaming at each other about money and sometimes throwing change. I could barely stay awake in school because of it.
When they got really bad I thought the world was going to end. I can still remember how loud they would be. You could probably hear them from a mile away. It would make me feel nauseous and absolutely scared out of my mind so i would run down our driveway or in the brush where i would have little hiding spots where my sister and I would play (we live way out in the country). I remember bawling my eyes out praying to God they would stop and sometimes they would. I would wait for it to get dark, for it to get quiet, or for them to notice I was gone to come back inside.
After my sister left for college my parents had another one of their huge fights that my sister was (thank god) there for. She was more resilient against their fighting than I was. I dont know why it affected me so bad.
My dad left after they fought. He was gone for a while. My sister and I noticed his gun was gone so we waited in the dark after my mom went to bed for him to come home. He finally showed up and he sat in the car for a loooonnnggg time. At least a couple hours. But we waited and he finally came in and went to bed. My sister ran outside to find his gun but instead found a bunch of beer bottles.
My dad hadnt drank in 40 years.
He also said he hated the taste of beer.
He eventually wouldnt hide his drinking and hed drink a 6 pack every night. Hed get drunk and talk to himself (more than usual he daydreams a lot) and it was really disturbing. I eventually avoided being in the same room with him at all times because of how uncomfortable it made me feel.
My mom got fed up with relying on him for money so she got a job which made it even more uncomfortable for me because I'd be alone with him but she wanted health insurance and to be able to pay for groceries so I sucked it up because it meant less fighting and so I just stayed in my room.
Of course my mom would ask me if my dad had ever touched me (which he hasnt) and she would worry about it and tell me how worried she was with me being in the house alone with him and made sure I knew who to call and everything.
Their fighting eventually lessened as time went by as I guess they got tired of fighting as hard because my dad is almost 70 now and my mom almost 60. My dad on the other hand has gotten very sexist and hates women and thinks they're all the same ever since he started hanging out with this 40 year old pervert who acts like hes 16 and has openly showed interest in my sister (my mom told my dad about it because of what he said he wasnt in the same room with my dad. And look who didnt listen).
Something I forgot to mention, when my dad was in Utah, he was married to someone else who cheated on him. Another thing hes still absolutely enamored with some girl he was engaged to at 18 who left him for some other guy while he was in college pursuing baseball which he got a full ride for but blew it because he disagreed with the coach.
While I was really sick and constantly going back and forth to the doctor, he whispered something to me in the waiting room because my mom was at work and he was the only one to take me and I thought he said "do you wanna hear what I did on my first date with (insert my moms name here which sounds a lot like that one girls name when you cant hear crap)" and I asked him what? not really interested and he said "I stole her underwear." Like wow. Okay. Totally wanted to hear that regardless of who he was talking about. He also told me he had some sort of academic block and she unlocked it for him? (Yeah probably is what it sounds like)
My mom also caught him looking her up on Facebook which really hurt my mom because she knows nothing about social media and thinks it's a dating website regardless of what we tell her.
A couple months after senior year began, I had a weird heart episode. I was sitting there in class and my heart would not stop racing and it would pause for a second then beat really hard and go back to racing. I remembered what I had read online about anxiety attacks and I tried to breathe and nothing would work. I told a couple students about it going someone would say "hey I have that too" but nothing. I walked all the way down the stairs, through the length of the main building, and down a long hall where my next class was. I sat down and tried to slow down my heart. It suddenly fumbled and I felt a sharp pain on the left side of my chest. I felt my eyes roll back and everything went black for half a second. I then said screw it and walked about the distance I came to the nurse where I told her I was having palpitations. Her eyes got big and she got her heart monitor out and put it on my finger. She looked at it and called my mom.
"Yes this is the school nurse I'm here with your daughter she came and told me her heart was doing funny things and I tried to put my monitor on her and it's just beating so fast it wont pick it up."
Great I'm having a heart attack I thought. My mom came to get me and we went straight to Urgent Care and they didnt say much about it and they listened to my heart and just said it was beating fast so they gave me Propanolol to slow it down. When i got home, i took my medicine when i made sure my heart rate was above normal while resting. It was at 120 beats per minute when I got home.
I continued to take it until I noticed horrifying symptoms like I cant freaking breathe and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. So I called and they told me to stop taking it and that I may have asthma.
Ever since then, I developed a night time anxiety around the time I had to take those pills where I became hypersensitive to my heartbeat, how well I could breathe, and how I felt in general and became increasingly more and more paranoid of suddenly dying. I was constantly going to the doctor for menial bullcrap.
This continued for months until I had my first panic attack.
I was just sitting on the couch (worrying in my head of course) sitting by my boyfriend and I suddenly became really dizzy for no apparent reason. I said I felt dizzy and my boyfriend half carried me outside. We stood on the porch and I lost muscle control of my legs and they caved underneath me and he had to catch me from falling. It felt like my voice was far away as I said I need to go to the ER. He half carried me to the car again and my mom jumped in the back. He drove as fast as he could. I felt like I was suffocating. My heart was going absolutely nuts. My hands were tingling. My mouth felt droopy. I had waves of severe nausea. I started crying to God to help me. I honestly thought that was my last day on Earth.
We waited until 2:00 in the morning to get the results back that I just hyperventilated. We got there at 10 PM. It was some nice bonding time though if I got anything good out of it.
That was when I knew my anxiety had gone too far. I began researching how to deal with physical symptoms of anxiety. I began meditating every night through an app called Sanvello.
I highly recommend it if you have crippling night time anxiety like I did. And I no longer think I'm dying constantly. The only thing though is that my heart still palpitates and flutters. I started drinking water to see if that was it but for now I'm blaming it on stress.
So going back to how I began this. I need help on what to do. The most recent fight which happened tonight (or last night since its 5:00 the next day) was probably one of the most ice breaking ones yet.
Heres the issue. My mom works 4 days out of the week, yes? My dad likes to go drinking out in the yard and park at the end of the driveway with his asshole drinking buddy on fridays and then comes in late at 3 in the morning and the doors are super loud (one of them you have to slam to shut right) and goes and eats something. It's a really small house so any noise will wake anyone up. And I'm not just talking about a snack either like he makes a full course meal pretty much. And he doesnt just do it on nights he drinks either. And it wakes my mom up. And me. And guess what? My mom works Saturday. So obviously my moms trying to sleep for work right? Doesnt matter.
What my mom said this morning was:
"Could you not party on nights I have to work? You can do that any other day of the week but please not when I work."
So he told me he was gonna fight with my mom tonight and this is what he says:
"Your mom has kicked me out of my office, the kitchen, the living room, the mud room, and I sure as hell ain't gonna let nobody kick me out of my backyard."
Shes not kicking him out of anything. This is a small house so any little noise or any light that's on can be seen or heard from any other room in the house and my moms bedroom (my parents sleep separately because my dad doesnt like to bathe or brush his teeth and he had lymphedema a while back and his legs would leak all over the bed) just so happens to be separated from the hallway by a wall of wardrobes in the middle of the house (yes ratchet af I know). And it also just so happens that my mom and I are light sleepers.
A little later I called my sister because I got really paranoid because I cant handle anticipation and she called him and he started throwing a fit how he cant do anything in this house. We both calmly tried to explain to him what my mom was trying to say and my dad kept blowing up over and over about how he cant be a human being and defending how his drinking cures everything.
What hurt me the most is that I literally just told him that him coming in late at night or getting up to eat and microwaving something or cooking something on the stove wakes me up.
You wanna know what he said?
"Now YOU'RE trying to kick me out!"
I know it sounds that unbelievably stupid but I will put my hand on the bible or do whatever equivalent it takes but I swear that's not me being overdramatic or anything. He really said that.
So I'm about to explode if I dont get out soon.
What in the living fuck do I do?