Stuck on someone less
I've been with my partner for about 8 months now but things have been so complicated. Me and my ex only ended 2 months prior. My ex was my first proper relationship, I was deeply in love with them. Things had been up and down, we ended but they continued to message me and play with my emotions when trying to move on and wouldn't agree to being friends and wanted a one night stand. After being with my partner, I now know what it is like to be in a loving relationship and for someone else to give, rather than it just being you. My partner ticks all my boxes, has put up with me being stuck on my ex and my complex emotions. They're really perfect but I can't help but keep thinking about my ex. Even though my head knows I deserve more, my heart is still stuck on my first love and won't allow me to feel that way about my new partner. My feelings fluctuate, sometimes I feel love towards my partner and sometimes I don't, but it scares me and makes me hate myself for doubting a relationship that is with someone so great. I was hoping after so long of being with them that my heart would start to cohere with my head yet I still doubt my relationship.
I don't really know what to do. Any advice, thoughts or ideas would be much appreciated.
Thank you and take care
All of us really need to be well over our ex before we can be with someone else 100% successfully. It's about keeping ourselves and others 'safe' while we sort/heal our head and heart. Having no communication and blocking our ex is a good way to start unless we manage to remain friends unanimously. Without confusing you, some people take a long time to get over their previous and some still attempt to be with somebody else. It rarely works out in the end because, and as you post, some of their heart is still with the ex, particularly if it was a first love.
There's no need to hate yourself or beat yourself up for being human but you need to be kind to yourself and be true to yourself, so you can sort it properly.
Remember that favorite pair of shoes you used to have? They were new and shiny and made you look so good. You never wanted to give them away. You always wanted to be able to wear those new beautiful shoes.
But they got old. And didn’t look as good as they used to. In fact they started to hurt your feet. And they became so raggedy and so hurtful that you had to Stop wearing them or they would have damaged your whole body. So they had to go. Still, you missed those shoes because at one time they made you feel the best you ever have.
Now you have another pair of shoes. They are a better fit. They are different, not like the others from the past, but they are a better fit for you, right where you are today.
You can remember and smile at the memories of those old shoes . Don’t deny yourself the good memories. But focus on what suits you today.
Im sorry that you're experiencing such ambiguity regarding your ex. The best thing I can encourage, is to cut all ties with your ex, if you haven't already--so you can focus 100% on your current relationship. Do you feel like you're just going through the motions with your current partner? Because if so, you owe it to them to be honest; you don't want to keep staying in the relationship if you're not all there--you full well know that you're doing them more harm than good the longer it goes on. But you also have to be honest with yourself, and really think about how committed you are to them, and if you can stay that way. Otherwise, if you don't see the relationship going anywhere, think about what you want to do...are you thinking about getting back with your ex, or is a definite no? Are you comparing your partner now to your ex?