Are we just TOO different?
I'm a 35 year old man who's mature with a good job, etc. And I've been in a relationship with a 31 year old girl/woman for four years and we've just got a mortgage on a house (to avoid having to pay rent when moving in together).
The problem we have is that in the last four years, we have always used condoms when having sex, and they are a massive turn off for me and stop me from being able to ejaculate. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have been able to finish in our entire relationship - they completely desensitize me. But she's still terrified of having sex with me without condoms (even though she's always on the pill).
She's never been that much 'into' sex anyway, she was still a virgin at 27 when I met her, something I now consider to have been a 'red flag' that I failed to notice. But the question is, do I want to spend the rest of my life not being able to actually have sex? This is not what I had in mind when I entered into a longterm relationship as an adult, and to some extent, I must admit I've been burying my head in the sand a little bit.
I'm a red blooded, good looking, relatively healthy male with a sex drive to match, but I feel like I'm living a life of celibacy. How long before I just stop fancying her? How long before I feel resentment towards her? I know some people would say 'love is all you need', but judging by the number of affairs and marriage breakdowns in modern society, I'm afraid I just don't find such sentiments to be true, nor helpful.
The next logical step would be marriage and kids, but are we just too different? I have tried to talk to hear about it, but I end up just feeling selfish and mean because she obviously takes it personally.
I get that guys usually are more interested in sex than women; I'm not some immature horny teenager... And this is really starting to get me down. My head is telling me, "This does not bode well", but my heart is telling me, "Don't think about it, just do some more work on the house :)" ...
... Any words of wisdom or advice would be much appreciated. I can't talk to her about it, and it isn't exactly something I feel comfortable bringing up with anyone else. Thanks in advance.
Hi Sven, thanks for your patience and apologies you've had to wait so long.
I have some questions:
1. First thing that hit me was this: "31 year old girl/woman"
You do know that over age 12 equals woman, yes? Can you tell me why you put both?
2. Why did you want to avoid paying rent? And is You plural there, i.e. whose opinion was that?
3. Why 'terrified', rather than, say, anxious or concerned? Has she a past, bad experience, such as abuse, abortion or miscarriage?
And some statements:
"do I want to spend the rest of my life not being able to actually have sex? "
And one for luck: NO.
"How long before I just stop fancying her? How long before I feel resentment towards her?"
The latter tends to come first (cause) and create the second (symptom), but, to answer your question: couple of months. And then another. And another.... it builds... layer upon layer.
5. "I know some people would say 'love is all you need'"
Yeah. And their names are Barbie & Ken. (Ha-ha)
But, anyway, Love is a VERB as much as Noun. Two halves of the same entity when a case of sexual pairbonding. (Oh, look - that's the textbook label for grabbing a long-term or life partner with whom to mate, and look how it's worded.... Coinkydinky? Methinks not. Looks like we're ALL on your side, doesn't it! ;-))
6. "The next logical step would be marriage and kids"
No, the next logical step would be to admit you've test-driven this model thoroughly enough, for long enough, to have identified a design or byproduct-ive fault so major, which so spoils your driving pleasure you'd be better off walking.
There are models out there that share all the same or same enough package of features this one does, but WITHOUT said frustrating faults and inadequacies.
So you and this model are not made for each other. NEARLY. But not quite. Not enough. Try the next showroom.
PS: Does one need to be immature to be horny? Can't you be mature and horny?
7. "I have tried to talk to hear about it, but I end up just feeling selfish and mean because she obviously takes it personally."
Oh, you have? Well, WELL DONE YOU, that was very brave. (Y) (A)
You've obviously tried a number of times.
Mmm...it would appear that taking it personally is preferable in her mind, to actually addressing it, this not-insignificant problem that makes her favourite person for whom she cares enough to move in with, sad, uncomfortable and feeling Less Than compared to when he first met her, as but a starting point for rotting the relationship from the inside-out- faster than you can say: Gosh, is she thick or is she, unbeknownst to you, just passing the time while waiting for a bus, hence isn't concerned with the issue of rotting/the relationship's longer term health full-stop?
("WAITER...? THERE'S A FLY IN HIS SOUP. PLEASE CHANGE IT FOR ANOTHER?")
You're not selfish and mean. Well, certainly your future kidlets wouldn't think so, eh! You're normal and healthy and as such, have intrinsic humanistic needs (go Google) including sexual, i.e. need to sh*g (and at your age and procreative stage - a LOT). You've gone to the shop that supplies one of those major life needs, only to find the shelves virtually bare - ALL the time - when it's supposed to and universally expected to remain stocked, at least ADEQUATELY? So you've complained about the lack of this provision to the owner. And this grown-adult shop-owner in response has...wait for it.... crumpled to the ground, going, BOO-HOO, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU - YOU'RE JUST MEAN, I'M TELLING MY MUM (etc.)... until YOU'VE crumpled to the floor in GUILT. (Artificially-stirred-up guilt, that is. Because you had a right and a DUTY to complain - for the sake of the relationship's long-term health thus longevity- ain't rocket science...)
So to be specific about the TWO major incompatibilities between you:
(1) she doesn't have a healthy sex drive AND, what's worse,
(2) would rather turn the problem back on you than wish to at least investigate whether the problem might either medically or psychologically lie with her. I.e. it is not going to get better. If anything, she now has carte blanche (she thinks) to let it get worse.
Condom after 4 whole years, is she KIDDING me?
Doesn't she want to end up tied to you, then?
Mortgage, you say.... Hopefully not joint?
PS: Now I know why you couldn't decide between girl or woman so, strike question. ;-)
PPS: It might be that you're so gagging for kids by now, that you unconsciously find (cough!) authentic childishness alluring, even in a sexual partner-counterpart, i.e. in the wrong place? I'd get the true grown-up woman first and wait for the real articles to pop out, if I were you. Kids (the real ones as have the kiddie bodies to match) drive you round the bend most days as it is, but when it's your supposed EQUAL PARTNER?! Run, Frisky Forrest, Run!...
Saying all of that - let's see if your latest, presumably more serious-sounding talk has a delayed reaction, whereby she announces she's going to see her gynaecologist or something?
Let us know how it goes.
PS: Sorry for the mixed metaphors and any messiness, I'm under severe time-pressure at the mo.