I am in love with two men and need help making a decision
TACOANONYMOUS - Jul 15 2020 at 02:51
I am a 31 year old female and was in an 8 year relationship, on and off from 22-30 with a male 29 year old male. We begin as friends with benefits and both dated others during our “off” times but always came back to eachother and our comfort zone. Neither of us can really say when it got serious so there was an issue with his commitment in during the times where I thought we had progressed past the phase of talking or seeing other people. We were seen in public places together but never once posted a picture together and have eachother blocked on social media for most of our relationship. Our families know we have significant other but have not had a formal meeting with our families. I grew doubts and trust issues and dealt with it by mocking his behavior and doing the same. He smokes a lot of weed so I found it difficult to have serious conversations when he seemed to be careless. During our last break up I met someone (a male 33 years old) and we dated for about 4 months. We had an instant organic connection we’re together for days at a time and I was excited about life again. We talked about living together having kids marriage and a future together which I thought ‘FINALLY at 31 years old someone who wants the same things as me’. During this time I had no communication with my ex. But, with so many insecurities on both ends we argued a lot. He had a lot of female friends and this triggered my trust issues from the past and he knew about constantly getting back together with my ex so that worried him as well. Things would get heated during the arguments but I would get over it quickly as he would hang on to things longer. Soon I learned it was better to comply agree and understand him but not say how I felt to avoid any more complications in our relationship because I knew it was too early to be acting that way. Now that I am saying this I may lack communication skills due to no communication in a long term relationship. This did not bother me much I was happy he had so much passion about everything. I also have to add this was during quarantine when we weren’t allowed to leave the house and the fun dating honeymoon phase was fading quickly. One major fight which I thought was the end of our relationship drew me to my ex comfort zone because of the history and I still have a lot of love for him although he cannot fulfill my relationship needs at this point in life. I am in contact with both men now and they are aware of this. I am in love with two people and it is weighing on me very heavily I do not want to hurt anyone but ultimately I need to make a decision. I am looking for advice on what to do or not to do. Thank you!
First, you could not possibly be in love with both men despite the unhealthy relationships you have with both men. If you loved yourself, you would exit or end both relationships. A relationship built on chaos could never prosper, but you are in two relations that are similar. How could that possibly work?! You need to love yourself, find yourself, work on yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship.
You have a lot of baggage/issues that you need to work in order to attract the healthy relationship that you deserve. So, break up with them and take a break from dating/ relationships for awhile. Your concern should not be about hurting anyone's feelings. Your concern should be doing what is right for you and that should be communicated to both men. Good luck
Isn't love an adventure? By the way, it is worth it. So, thanks for sharing the challenge.
First of all, there is no hurry here. There appears to be doubt in both relationships, so take the time to be sure. Not only is love and marriage an adventure, it is difficult and complicated (but remember, worth it). Since the advice from us readers is abstract, unknowing, and therefore, often wrong, have you thought about praying about it? There is a source of all knowledge and it is righteous. Where do you stand in your relationship with God? How about both of your relationships? Where do they stand with God? I believe when you find common values with someone, you will and can weather any "storm" and any needed forgiveness from either of you is not just an option, it's required.
So, pray first and follow Him. He is never wrong.
Let us know how it goes.