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My husband has a secret life

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Relationship advice This is very very hard for me to do. I am going to try my best to explain what I need help with and hopefully I won’t be judged for it.
My husband and I have a very open relationship and I mean that in all aspects of the word. But twice now I have caught my husband with pictures of other women on his phone. We spoke about it and I guess it was sort of swept under the rug so to speak. I get it. I am not the only woman in the world and I get it that my husband is human and can be attracted to other people without acting on it.

Here is the problem...last night I found out that not only is my husband a member of certain kinky sites for the past 3 months but just this week he became a member in a gay site.
As I mentioned before he and I have always been open minded in our relationship but NEVER would I think that he would find sexual attraction to a man. I am not by any means implying that he is Gay. Because I have watched same sex activities myself and and comfortable with my sexuality to know that I like it but I just prefer being in a relationship with a man.

My concern is that now I know about him, I have to speak to him about this. But this is a VERY sensitive subject. Keep in mind that he is homophobic. I know these are signs. Trust me I know. But how in the world do I approach this topic without letting him know that I know about the sites and without making him feel like I am judging him. I need him to know so we can decide what is going to happen without it getting ugly.

My husband has a secret life

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whatever lifestyle you and your husband are involved in, is your business and nobody else's. However, when one is involved in an open marriage, it creates an atmosphere or avenue to discover all sorts of sexual interests that one or both parties may like and most of all, dislike. And when such unappealing interests are discovered, it is plausible to cause tension or unhappiness in the relationship. In your case, you have learned that your husband is a member of a gay site, but yet he is homophobic, that is a contradiction. It does not make sense at all.

Given that, your plan is to have an honest communication with your spouse. In other words, you could say I am not here to judge you but mistakenly learned that you are a member of a gay website. Is there is something that I ought to know ? or is there a reason you chose to join the site? You want to be diplomatic about the subject or matter? Frankly, it may turn ugly , as you have to prepare for the worst. This is a matter that needs to be addressed. If he denies it, or refuses to discuss the matter, you may need to discuss the state of your marriage. If this is the lifestyle you want to continue. In my opinion, it is unhealthy and do not foresee it lasting . Good luck!

My husband has a secret life

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Hi, I want to thank you for your very honest response. I am in fact preparing myself for the worst. One thing was misunderstood from my post was that we are in a open relationship. We are not. What I meant was were are in a open minded relationship. Meaning we have been able to speak about things and do things that might not seem “in the norm” for some people. Yet he still goes on these sites and speaks to these women and now men in a way that he doesn’t speak to me. “Dirty talk” so to speak. We do kinky stuff but what he is into on these sites is extreme and I can’t for the life of me understand where the communication went wrong. We are sexually active and we are monogamous. Just don’t understand where the communication went wrong.

My husband has a secret life

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You are welcome! Thank you for clarification, as it makes more sense now. Based on this information, his behavior is unacceptable and you need to address it ASAP!. This is wrong and you should not accept or tolerate this sort of behavior. You both need to re evaluate your marriage , your needs and desires. And if you and your spouse are not on the same page your marriage is doomed to fail.

My husband has a secret life

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Whoa - your marriage is not “ doomed” because your husband is looking at porn and talking dirty to fantasy people on fantasy sites.

Let your husband know that you know he is visiting these sites. He may get an attitude or become shameful, who knows.

There are all kinds of reasons why he is watching this stuff or participating in dirty talk. (Is that something you would consider doing with him? )



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