Honest advice wanted
I have been with my partner for Six years, we have been engaged for 3 years and living together for two. We are both divorcees and both have two kids. Mine are now both adults and my partners boys are 18 and 15 I have had a great relationship with both her children and she has with mine.
When we moved in together we had to rent as we couldn’t get a mortgage together as she is stuck on her old mortgage with her ex husband. He has his own business and left their marriage( he had his 3 rd affair) he pulled the plug financially with my partner leAving her with a £20 k debt. She was a student Midwife at the time and could not financially defend herself. She still has the bulk of this debt 10 years on. I sold my home to move in with her but decided to buy a terrace with the money to do up and sell on. Hopefully having a long term plan that would sssist her to pay off her debts so we could marry.
We have had a very good relationship, I think we have only argued a handful of times.
Last year she had a smear and abnormal cells were found. It was suggested by the doctor she have a Merina Coil fitted to regulate hormones and hopefully these cells. Within a matter of months her periods became irregular and she started with symptoms of the Menopause. Hot flushes, anxiety and depression and lack of libido. Lots of other symptoms. I snore considerably and have all during our time together. Consequently around 12 months ago I started sleeping in another room. Purely to give her a good night sleep. We still had a fulfilling sex life. At around Christmas she went back to the Doctors and was diagnosed as having hypothyroidism. She is now on Thyroxine as well as HRT. She has had a double whammy with these as they are the same symptoms. Through lockdown she has been cranky with me and I noted as I told her I loved her every day her response dwindled from Love you too, to I know you do to no response. She has now told me out of the blue, she doesn’t love me like she did. It was her not me and I’ve done nothing wrong. She wanted to split up. as it was making her ill? She says she has considered it being her hormones but she doesn’t think it is?
I have moved out to give her space, I love her dearly, she is my World. She can’t or won’t give me any other reason for how she is feeling. There is no one else involved. She has begun to expunge any trace of me . I want her back but equally want her to realise everything we have had and done together. The part I find odd is that she won’t engage with regards to trying to work things out? Do I tell her how I truly feel or give her the space and time and be patient. My honest opinion is that her current issues are the problem. These may compound how she deals with the annoyances in my character her parents and brother and sister are gobsmacked as to what she is doing but she will not confide in them possibly because I’m still in the family circle. The only thing she has disclosed is She feels like she is a Bitch for what she has done? . I want to be there for her and hang around even if we go forwards living apart for a while. What do I do.?I’m probably not a typical bloke as I do my share of chores I even do the ironing. Just feel like I’m in limbo at the moment.
With her medical challenges, she may be thinking she needs to pay attention to her health issues above all else.
You have been placed on the back burner and that hurts.
This has been going on for some time. Is her Dr aware of the relationship problems? What about her family relationships?
Research all you can about thyroid problems. There may be nothing you can do in her quest to set you aside. Or this might be just a medication issue
Thanks for the response.
Yes I am on the back burner and
Have been for a while. Her Boys, friends and even the dog have been higher in the pecking order. I was happy to accept that though as I knew she had a lot on her plate. I have done what I thought would alleviate any worries she may have had, whether it be Cooking and cleaning while she was out at work or shopping.
I have been working opposite shifts to her through lockdown so to some extent we have been like ships passing in the night. I don’t think that her doctor knows about our break up. I do think that she is struggling with the symptoms and possibly the meds she is on. I have done a considerable amount of reading on the 3 main issues she has had. The hormone in the coil in some schools of thought could cause Thyroid issues and taking Thyroxine could affect the HRT she is taking. The main issue I have identified is our communication. That has suffered and I think has compounded the way she has felt and thought. This has continued as I have now been pushed out of the loop so to speak.
There has been little or no communication on the subject with her Mum, Sister and Brother. She normally has had good relationships with them. This could be due to me still remaining in the family circle,as they all feel I’ve done nothing wrong. They have all seen her but if the subject of us is broached she shuts them down quickly. Her sister has asked if she knows what she’s done to me and her response was ‘Yes I feel like a right bitch’. She remains in regular contact with 3 friends who are all work colleagues and they seem to be her main confidantes. I have done everything she has wanted me to do and tried to be nice, I have deliberately distanced myself but have maintained a weekly contact to collect mail etc.
My friends say I’m too nice with her and this has also been mentioned by her parents? I am normally very laid back and placid, even when she erupts. I visited her early this week to collect mail and she seemed in a mood which I quickly caught the brunt of, she stated I needed to move some furniture, when I pointed out she was equally capable she went off on one so I made my excuses and left. Within 2 mins she was on the phone apologising and asking for some details she needed that I held.
Her Boys are away this week with their father and she is working some night shifts. She will be alone and may have some time to reflect. Still wake up every morning thinking of her and Go to bed doing the same. I have however started to sort myself out and have begun doing the things we talked about me doing employment wise. I’m hoping this will show her I’m capable of adapting and that I’m getting in with things.
Sounds like she is going through some things, but that’s no excuse to make you the whipping boy. If she is acting irritable and outright angry and bossy of you ( and this is NEW) behavior, she needs to revisit her Dr.
If this is how this relationship has been, and you didn’t notice, then it’s just exaggerated now,
Perhaps you have been TOO laid back and not taken care of your business and she has reached her limit with you. Was this an issue before? Or did you not hear her all this time.
It’s difficult to figure out, but you seem to think it all stems from her recent medical issues. Perhaps this has been brewing for a long time.
Hi Susie, I think you are right with some of your observations. She has been ratty and obtuse but I either didn’t notice or if I did I put it down to how she is/ was feeling. That was possibly wrong of me and as I say proper communication by both of us would have gone some way to prevent what has happened. The main thing I struggle with is that she has said we can’t rewind and go back to where she or we both felt things started to go wrong or draw a line and step over it together. I wanted the opportunity to try and work at our relationship but she currently doesn’t. Everyone who I’ve spoken to finds this a little odd after the relationship we have had and the amount of time we have been together. Like me they are perplexed at this decision?