Maybe someone can offer some help or advice - any input is much appreciated. TO MAKE IT CLEAR... I WANT TO BE OVER HER... I HAVE A FEELING THAT SHE'S STILL CONSIDERING US TO BE A POSSIBILITY BUT... I JUST CAN'T HANDLE THE CONSTANT EMOTIONAL GAME OF CAT & MOUSE... YES, IT WILL SOUND LIKE I'M STILL HEAD OVER HEELS FOR HER... AND I MIGHT BE... BUT I'D RATHER NOT BE...
Essentially, I was with my ex for around 1 year 5 months (give or take a week) and despite us being over around 6 months ago now, I still have intense feelings for her that no matter the amount of effort I try to get rid of them, no matter the amounts of dates I've been on or just eliminate all and any communication, the feelings till remain.
Current situation: she messages and flirts (I think), tells me that I am the best person ever in her life, plays coy and says she must return my stuff (yes, I'm still waiting), she tells me that I always make her feel better and smile & laugh like no one else does... Every time she does this, I end up so emotionally f*cked between fighting/wanting to get back with her and destroying what semblance we have of an acquaintance level relationship.
(EDIT: I have removed her from all social media and removed her notifications and messages from all applications but it doesn't stop her from calling or SMSing... or me for that matter)
(EDIT2: I didn't write why we broke up. We broke up because she felt that her emotional situation did not allow her to love me as much as I loved her and she couldn't devote her "unable to love self" to someone who was there for her, no matter what. I won't question that because I understand the sensation of falling out of love but I never messaged my ex again after I fell out love with her, not even to see how she was occasionally doing. So this situation feels very foreign to me.)
So, I'm just going to list out some details which may help to understand the situation:
- there was an age gap of around 9 years between us
- I was her boss and then we just clicked and we fit
- her family still message me regularly telling me that they miss me
- she messages out of the blue to just chat and tell me "hey", which leads me to talking to her because I recognise the intonation of her speech, which eventually ends up in me telling her that she needs to believe in herself and take that step forward to get better, complimenting her looks and just her overall self
- she suffered/suffers from mild to moderate depression and I supported her strongly and helped her push forward and trudge through all the hardships
- whenever she needed help, I always gave it... At times I was the shoulder to cry on, the son-in-law to her mum, her teacher when she needed help with university... I'm a bit of a jack of all trades so as long as I could help or needed help, I would take a few hours to help her do it or learn it myself and explain it to her...
- she would periodically need a few days off to take a break from the relationship because she claimed that she was not feeling the emotion "love" anymore and didn't feel any other kind of emotion, then message me as soon as she was better, crying and saying shes sorry and doesn't know whats wrong with her
- she was always the princess in our relationship and only after everything ended did she end up crying and telling me how much she was grateful for all the help and how she only realises it now
- she loved just hanging out and going out to places and just being fools which really rekindled my inner child after all the previous toxicity
- I also suffered from severe depression which got over with a lot of perseverance SO I could relate to her situation and I gave her what I needed at the time
- Most of my exes cheated on me behind my back with my/her best-friends (yes, I understand... They aren't classified as best-friends if they did so), which lead to me not having the greatest security or trust with women
- She was the first girl I trusted and treated her as my very first girlfriend after avoiding women and relationships because I couldn't handle it anymore
- I, unfortunately, wear my heart on my sleeve and I give my 110% rather than hold back
- I don't see people's flaws because I consider it to be a part of them so I don't love parts, but I love all of them, which has lead to some very awkward conversations where my exes used to ask what I dislike or hate about them and me being unable to answer, but when they're asked, they would criticise or comment what they want more from me or from the relationship...
- she always spent hours talking with me over everything so she was really educated and civilised, so I never realised the actual age gap...
- Her mum and sister message me regularly and tell me that they miss having me around and her sister an I go out for food to just catch up because she has turned into my little sister
I know that its foolish that an adult is asking for advice on something as insignificant as this but I hate this sensation and my colleagues/friends aren't really the best place to turn to, especially since they have the combined emotional IQ of Barney the purple dinosaur.
Thanks for reading and everything else that you may all offer!
You seem very enmeshed with not only her, but her family too.
I wonder if they miss you because you took care of her and now they don’t know what to do with this somewhat needy, emotionally insecure woman.
This will never end unless you decide how you want to live your life. Perhaps counseling will help you unravel this entanglement. There’s a reason why you remain in it.
(Sorry for being so blunt, but time is important, and yours is being used by others)
Firstly, thank you for taking time to reply to the messy wall of text I submitted above.
Secondly, I prefer people being blunt rather than beating around the bush.
Now, getting to the nitty gritty:
I am unsure of how they evaluated our relationship or my ex-girlfriends psychological status but to a certain extent, I was a constant in her life and she still doesn't find much security in others. In between my original message and this reply, she and her family has contacted me several times...
- Her family to wish me luck and wish me all the best for my medical career (I graduated as a doctor) as well as my continuing support and friendship with both their daughters (to which I replied)
- My ex just to talk about how she feels that she will never meet her family's expectations and she feels very alone and finds her university course-mates/friends to be immature and childish (to which I haven't replied despite her liking a number of my messages in order to elicit a response)
Unfortunately, yes... Despite my best attempts to cut her out completely from my life, she and her family still find the need or wish to contact me regularly. I am more concerned with her wish to continually contact me despite everything
I have established boundaries and clarified that the situation has to change and I am unable to keep up such a relationship - even as friends, because it is quite toxic in its nature but not the people involved (they are intriguing people). I gave a lot of myself to our relationship and I don't feel comfortable being friends, especially when I still consider her to be a possibility - EVEN THOUGH I DON'T WANT HER TO BE AND I DON'T WANT HER TO BE ONE...
I believe that she turned our relationship into a mutually co-dependent relationship where she would provide the emotional necessities in exchange for having someone ALWAYS having her back and being her supporter. This continuous negative cycle was repeated and I was, most likely, duped by my poor understanding of a "healthy" relationship to establish this as how a relationship should be.
I've done my best to attend counselling and the bottom line is that I just form strong attachments to people and, to use her words, "some of your traits allow you to blend in and act like a chameleon, without masking yourself" but "you tend to adapt yourself to fit to the person rather than reaching a compromise".
I agree with you 1000000%, time is precious and much better used elsewhere.
Thank you for your honest opinion.
(and I'm sorry if I vented out somewhere in the middle here)
Caring about people is important to you and that’s going to be your vocation. It’s a positive trait.
However, when our “ positives” get exaggerated, it becomes a negative for us.
This girl seems like she needs an immense amount of attention and that could exhaust and drain you, physically and emotionally. Not to mention socially.
Keep going to counseling and find out why you feel so attached to this “wounded bird.”
If anything, look to the future. You need a secure, affirming, mature woman who has a vibrant, fulfilled life of her own.