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Comfortably uncomfortable

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My high school sweetheart and I have been on and off for 10 years. Our relationship was super unhealthy, both insecure teenagers with broken homes that craved just the slightest bit of acceptance. We just needed somewhere to escape to, somehow the problems we made were better than the ones at home. Although we had problems we managed to get better we fix things by the time we left highschool.
At our sixth year was when I did I became super uncomfortable and finally confident enough to speak up and say that I was going to step out of the relationship. Before we separated we were living with each other so me saying that I was breaking up with him meant that we had to move. I moved back home and he moved back home because he couldn’t afford to stay on his own either.

We began to date other people and I started a relationship with someone that I really loved. He was almost perfect in my mind because we got along so well. I guess it was a breath of fresh air because I just came out of a relationship where we didn’t have anything. I always overthink everything and I began to think that I was naïve for believing that my first relationship outside of a bad relationship would be the perfect relationship. Then all the red flags popped up,he began to act out and things just weren’t good.
My ex was in a bunch of relationships even though I was in a relationship with somebody I still was his friend. I would still talk to him and try my best to be his friend because it wasn’t a bad break up I broke up with him he wasn’t upset with me or anything. He just wanted me to agree to still be in his life and not cut him off because he couldn’t deal with that.
We were doing this all while we were home and our home life was still bad our families were still pieces of shit we just were better on our own, but when I decided on that break up I knew what I was getting into. I knew that I would rather deal with my family’s bullshit then to deal with his bullshit anymore even if it was the lesser of the two. I was saving up my money so I could move out on my own this time. He had a super bad experience, he and I began to have that bond with each other again where we would you know be spending a lot of time together and talking saying dumb bs like “well you know like it’s been as much time together we might as well move in together, after all we’re we’re doing better than this.” and it happened again we ended up in another relationship.
This time it was worse than before because I’m not from the city I live in and around the time he and I got back together my family moved back home. Things definitely were different. He began to manipulate me and guilt me about the first breakup. I delt with it for a while but then got fed up and broke it off again only problem is I had no where to go immediately.
During this so called break we again started seeing other ppl, him the entire tinder and craigslist, friends of our friends, ppl I had to see on occasion if we went somewhere together. He would even have some over. I was seeing a seemingly decent guy.

I started seeing this guy and me and him hit it off really fast everything was great. We have so much in common we have fun together and I really love being around him. In the sixth month of me and him dating he became distant and it seemed almost like he was trying not to really talk to me about some problems he had. Eventually time rolls around and he comes out and tells me that he’s in a really rough relationship it’s been on and off for about 10 years, and they have kids. Now I’m not judging anybody situation because I’m currently in my own situation. But I got discouraged that that’s not gonna work out because of the kids I assume any person with kids is going to have a hard time breaking off a relationship so I left it alone, I just walked away from it.

Now if you read the last few paragraphs you know damn well what I’m bout to do.... but this time it’s with a twist lol.

I saved up enough money to move on my own my ex decided that he wanted to rekindle our relationship. Now my stupid ass is fucking super heartbroken that I wasn’t gonna get the guy I really wanted and I fell for it. I ended up getting a place and bought him with me since we had started back dating ...
Now the guy that was going to in the relationship with his girlfriend has ended that relationship and is constantly trying to get me to pay him some attention. I’m really scared to pay attention to him because now I’m living on my own with my ex and we haven’t had a bad moment yet but I know it can get bad, and technically if I pay him attention it would be cheating. Right now I’m having flashbacks of how bad it can get in this relationship and me being so infatuated with the guy and intrigued by what he’s offering. I just wanna run away with him but I’m really scared that I’m gonna be running away from a relationship where I’m stable and to end up in something that could go left at any minute I’m just scared. Right now I’m confused on whether I should stay in this relationship and wait for it to get bad or start a new relationship with somebody that I really really am interested in seeing how it’s going to go with.

Comfortably uncomfortable

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How old are you?
It seems like you have gone from a dysfunctional family life to a dysfunctional relationship with a person who also had a dysfunctional family.

You have never survived on your own for any length of time. You keep going back to the sale ole habit, and now are just waiting for the inevitable breakup.

Why get your definition of life through men?

Clear the table. Live by yourself for a while. Travel, go back to school, expand your life outside of men. There’s so much more To life than all this angst.

Comfortably uncomfortable

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I agree. Get busy getting yourself FIT for a relationship (the point where, now very comfortable with singledom, you don't particularly want one yet remain open to having your mind changed if the right bloke came along) because then you'll no longer have cause to feel you need to accept anyone flabby. Basically. :-)

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