Boyfriends parents making it impossible
KITTYKATKIT1 - Aug 10 2020 at 19:40
So, basically i’ve come on here for peoples advice. Simply because i don’t know if i’m over reacting or not?
Me and my partner have had a rocky two years. Arguing a lot and it did draw attention. I used to discuss our issues with his mum as she knows he has an anger problem, and she helped me to get him a counsellor/ anger management. But one day she decided she’s done helping with our issues and wants a quiet peaceful stress free life!
That i’m ok with. However their son spoke to them a few months later about our personal life, on how i wanted a child eventually. Not there an then. but soon and that’s why i wanted to sort us out.
His dad then told him to make sure to put something on the end of it in case i trap him! i was absolutely disgusted by this compelltey degrading comment.
Fast forward to today, and basically we had a very small disagreement at the front door to their home ( where my partner lives ) whilst they are on holiday... and they watched and listened through the ring doorbell! and then spoke to my partner about it! I feel like it was a disgusting invasion on privacy and totally unacceptable! They know we aren’t intruders and know who we are, so why on earth would they watch and listen over a camera? it’s just wrong,
i really want to discuss it with them but i know they’ll just get angry because they want a peaceful life and me and my partner are ‘stress’ but surely if that’s the case why would they be so nosey?
Hey, see I don't know you personally but it's quite usual for patents to "poke" their nose in their children matters, I mean in this case, they know their son has an anger problem, so it may be inbuilt in their nature to see that their son life is settled.
For the part, when you felt completely disgusted, one of the reason might have been that his parents think you may leave his son at one point of time.
The things you can do I think are
1. You need a time off, spend a couple of days or week without thinking it, spend time by engaging in self care, watch shows but don't watch shows which bring back memories.
2. You both may think of shifting to other state if possible and go with new life.
3. Try telling your partner in indirect way you didn't like his parents Making such remarks and being too pokey.
I hope these things help, I will always be there to help you sister
I think we could all benefit from more info, Kittykatkit1 (hi! :-)):
"His dad then told him to make sure to put something on the end of it in case i trap him! i was absolutely disgusted by this compelltey degrading comment."
1. Kittykatkit1, were you there when he said it or was this what (and how) your partner *told* you happened?
2. What had been the result of the anger management and counselling course? How many sessions per week did he attend and for how many weeks - or is it still ongoing? And has he ever been aggressive towards or in front of you?
2b, And would you mind my presenting the supposition that, rather than sorting the issues as make him so witness-ably angry so often, he simply began stifling or burying the aggression to where it began leaking out through his pores under his own radar yet slapping you hard in the (psychological) face nonetheless (i.e. he turned Passive-Aggressive)?
3. Out of you and MIL, whom was it initiated such discussions about his 'anger issues' and related problems? And who encouraged it to become such a regular thing, rather than a rarity? And was it at all stages shown to be welcome by the other party? How long did this pow-wow-ing last, and from how early on in the relationship? And was your partner aware and okay with his gf and his mum discussing him without his presence?
4. Did she just one day turn the support tap from On straight to Off / go cold in one fell swoop? Because I'm afraid to say that what *I* saw in your account was this: 'One day, she decided' to take sides...and evidently since then, not mine.
Otherwise, she'd have us believe that the news is somehow FAR less stressful, merely because it's coming from him.
5. I wonder why his dad would say - nay, THINK OF - such an insulting, downright de-valuing thing about his, presumably, future daughter-in-law and mother of his future grandchild. Do you suppose boyfriend has inadvertently or otherwise been painting you Black through his having never thought to keep things balanced by relaying to them the GOOD parts of your relationship and times spent with you? And/Or - did HE get trapped like that? If he did, maybe the insult wasn't even aimed at you but seemed so to your bf (or suited him at the time to colour it that way)?
5. How come you'd talk to his mother, rather than automatically your own, anyway? Again, did MIL invite you to, whereby you didn't feel a need to consult yours?
6. "and they watched and listened through the ring doorbell!"
Yeah, TBH, it's pretty much beyond *most* people to resist the temptation of listening in to something like that, I'm afraid. I'm not one of them...but then, I'm a proper grown-up (I checked ;-)).
WATCHING AS WELL, however, IMO takes it to another level entirely. That is SUCH an invasion! Trouble is, it's at the same time a Grey area because you were on their territory and with their son.
It's the sort of Grey area that the intellect tends to defer to one's emotional side, therefore (which is when you hope the person has emotional maturity).
However, didn't boyfriend *know* about the device's presence?
Look at it this way: if they *knew* that he knew the device existed and would be triggered to tape your conversation then that could reasonably be read by anyone as an *invitation* from him - to bear witness to the conversation or manner of conversation - couldn't it?... which in turn would make subsequently approaching him on his own, more (if not acceptable) understandable?
If he *didn't* know it was there and ready to tape, then that lays the crime of invasion firmly at the in-laws' feet.
So - *did* he know?
How could he not? He lives there, right? He's been put in-charge, right?
So why didn't he mention it to you, prior to that incident?
Forget, did he?
Think back to the argument: did he happen to at all twist things/facts and/or lie during that doorstep 'discussion'?
Do you suppose you were set up to look like the baddie? I mean, why on the doorstep? Why didn't you both continue to enter the house as you argued or, if you were on your way out, argued as you walked to the car? What, one of both of you can't walk and chew gum at the same time? Or did HE stop and stand there and you just naturally followed suit?
(Hard questions, aren't they. Sorry.)
7. This next bit shouldn't be beyond anyone, though: "and then spoke to my partner about it!" Under that circumstance, assuming they too were mature adults with reasonable intelligence, they obviously should have spoken to you BOTH - as a UNIT - since it's (no-brainer) your concern too. It's rather looking like they no longer see you both as a unit, isn't it. However, that fits if they've indeed been given biased newsfeeds, doesn't it. And/Or, like SHAY suspects, infected with biased fears of your boyfriend, such as, 'I'm convinced she's gearing up to leave me!'? That's usually when sides get taken, isn't it - when the unit fissure looks certain to split all the way.
Generally, if it happens before then, you're dealing with emotional or psychological dodgies.
...On which note - I'm not very impressed with either of those three, to be honest, in the way they're behaving and dealing with everything. My emotional reaction, reading that, was 'WTF' and 'UGH' (aimed at them - bar the discussing with the MIL part (ew)). But I'd want to know what was behind it all.
If they're acting this way 'because' they do indeed (not that it justifies it) feel they've cause to fear an imminent - or purely just inevitable - split-up, then, frankly, "they're a BIT FICK". Because by TREATING you like the enemy - what ELSE are you going to end up wanting to do than permanently extricate yourself from the vicinity of all three of them in order to cease living your life as if you're the group Beelzebub?!
Or is it Scapegoat? Don't THINK about which it is. Tell me which you FEEL like?
Well, anyway, it definitely sounds like, in the process of the pair of you involving his parents and/or allowing his parents to be so involved, you yourself - or your sincerity and intentions for the relationship - have ended-up demonised (or been deliberately demonised?), I'm afraid.
I likewise agree with SHAY that you should separate for a week or more. To clear your head and regain enough of your confidence to where you not only KNOW where you're in the right and being mistreated, versus not, but will be able to feel (rather than just be aware of) the extent of it too (- you sound a bit numb to me in places). Just basically get out of their forcefield. No contact whatsoever if just a fortnight, minimal contact if longer.
Trust me, for someone in your situation, Separation, although scary to consider, is a GODSEND! It puts you in a Win-Win situation because by the time you're in a position to be able to decide Stay or Go, you're sufficiently detached for it not to hurt so much (or at all).
I have to be honest, though: Were it me, I'd have walked away, disgusted, by now. (Anger Issues, you say. How queer, with chefs and trainers like those two.)
...LONG before now, in fact. Because I wouldn't have missed the bigger picture:
The reason you two have been arguing virtually non-stop and pretty much from the word Go is because you're not right for each other... that's one of it's main symptoms - at the stage of your relationship, I mean. But, seemingly even at this stage, look at the tree the little apple fell from. I mean, if you told me right now that MIL and FIL are in fact aged only 16 and 14, and son only 8, then... I don't have a problem....Kids behaving like kids!...Whattayagonnado?
(Sorry. Tried to hold back...Failed.)
You're surrounded by kids in grown-up suits. IMO.
How do you feel now?