I don’t get hardly any alone time and I need advice on what to do
I’ve never submitted anything to a forum before but I’m not sure who to ask for advice. This is the first really serious relationship I’ve been in so I’m not sure how to approach this topic without hurting her feelings.
So some background for anonymity’s sake I’m going to refer to my girlfriend as Sally. I’m not sure if it’s relevant but I’m 23 years old and she is 20. So me and Sally have been dating for nearly a year now and about two months ago she moved in from her parents house.
Everything was going pretty great until she left her job because her bosses were being really crappy and I told her I could support her if she wanted to take a break from working for a while. Which seemed fine at the time, but since then we’ve been spending literally every moment together and anytime I want to indulge in my passion of playing video games and streaming she gets upset and distant. She says she wants to give me my alone time but I don’t hardly get any. The main problem is that she engrossed herself in her job and her family so she really didn’t get out and make any friends or find any hobbies she liked. I’m just not sure what the best way to proceed is at this point, to make matters worse she doesn’t want to work anywhere but where she was working before because she thinks that she won’t be able to learn anything else. She doesn’t seem to be interested at all at trying anything new on her own or trying to make some friends to hang out with in her spare time.
You guys have to learn how to live together. All of us who get into a relationship or marry and move in together, have to do it. It's about taking responsibility, sharing and having consideration for each other. Your GF can't expect it to be the same as it was under her parent's roof. She needs to adjust, but she has to make the effort.
The Covid may have changed things, but your GF needs to understand that she has to look for other interests and work herself, rather than rely on you to keep her occupied at home. She's 20 years old with the whole world at her feet and she should be acting like a young adult. If she was mature enough to make the decision to walk away from her previous job, then she should be mature enough to look for another one.. and be mature enough to understand that it's an expectation of her to contribute to your relationship together.
It's all good for you to support her, but she has to return the support back to you by allowing you to have your 'alone' time graciously among other things. You guys may get along fine, but you can't live in each other's pocket and your relationship won't last if it turns out that you are the only one contributing to it.
That’s kind of what I don’t understand, when you said she should be acting like a young adult I thought the same thing. It really boggles me, because she gets really bored at the house when I’m not there but she doesn’t look for anything to alleviate the boredom other than hanging out with me. I really appreciate the feedback Manalone you’ve given me a lot to consider.
Wow, this is a bit of a sticky problem. One thing I noted is that this is one of the downfalls of living together before marriage. Marriage required a commitment and forces you to work through these problems (or I should say, that is what is supposed to happen). But that is sort of an aside...
How direct have you been with her? I mean, i have you told her basically what you said here? Have you told her that you need this alone time for whatever reason (reduce stress, blow off steam, relax) etc.? Have you told her that it is not about her, meaning that you aren't wanting the alone time because there is something wrong with her? I find that being direct and honest in communications is one the best things for every relationship.
You always have the option of asking her to move out, but you can only do that if you understand that it will probably result in the end of your relationship. So I guess my final advice is this: be direct and honest with her. You can tell her what you are feeling and why without hurting her.
"Everything was going pretty great until she left her job because her bosses were being really crappy"
Why on earth didn't she do what we all do, which is, ensure she had another job to go to *before* handing in her notice?
What are you - Daddy Warbucks?
From a womans perspective I would say direct communication is needed here. She needs to find friends or a hobby as well. Maybe discuss with her like a scheduled time (however often you need it, daily, every other day, etc.) for you to play video games or whatever you want, and her do the same. If she likes video games maybe you could find one to play together as well on certain days but, still set the boundary that you need time alone to play as well. Maybe start with like an hour a day and work your way up if needed to a few hours.
But even though you guys live together make sure you are making time for her as well where you do give her your full attention and still have deep discussions or romantic times together. If you havent been doing that, it could be a part of the problem. Us women can be needy, I'll admit to that.