New relationship for seniors
OLD TIMER.1 - Aug 27 2020 at 23:29
So I met a wonderful man online, and I think it is someone who is a great match for me. We are both retired from successful careers. We have moved in together, and although he had been separated from his wife for over ten years, they had never finalized a divorce. He agreed to go forward and complete the divorce, and she had always told him, "No problem. Whenever you decide to complete the divorce, we will just go our separate ways, no fault, no fighting over money or anything." He was taken by surprise when she ran up high legal bills and fought over every penny she thought he had or could earn to pay her off in the future. I am in my 60s and he is in his 70s. Finally, after an exhausting and very expensive process, he is divorced. I did not know he was married when I met him on a singles site or I would not have pursued the relationship, and he knows that. But he still holds some resentment to me for having the expense of getting a divorce, and says if it weren't for me, he would not have had all of the expense and heartache of the divorce. That makes no sense to me. Most of the time we have a great relationship. BUT if there is ever an argument, it is always his way or the highway. He is set in his ways, doesn't want to listen to reason, doesn't want to hear anything that I say, and he shuts me down every time I try to talk. I know that I do not nag, and I think I am very easy to get along with. I have faults, and I know what they are. I have never tried to change him. He is always critical of me, mostly little things. I irritate him when I talk if it is something that he is not interested in. Doesn't matter at all that it could be something I am interested in. I have become more introvert. Most of the time, I do not even talk. I do all of the house cleaning, washing clothes, etc. He still owns a company and most days he spends a couple of hours working at his computer. He, also, drinks to excess. No one in my family was ever an excessive drinker so this is new to me. I have learned to be quiet and agree with everything he says when he is drinking. If he only has one to three drinks at night, we are fine. When he drinks four to seven or eight, that's when the trouble starts. It is better than it was at first as far as his drinking. He knows I do not like for him to drink to excess, so now for the most part he will he will not order me around or be verbally abusive when he drinks. I don't mind having a drink and I will have one or two if he is drinking. This is my dilemma: Do I want this relationship enough to put up with someone who is never wrong and who drinks to excess. I need to decide if, for the rest of my life, I want to always walk away from an argument or disagreement with him having the satisfaction of knowing he is always right about everything. I don't know if I want to do that or not. If I cannot accept this part of his behavior, I do not see me being happy in this relationship. I love him and I know that he loves me, but that doesn't mean we have to stay in a relationship. I truly do not know what to do. I would like to know what other ladies have done in this situation and how it worked out for them.
You already know you don't want to be in the relationship.
Are you staying because he is "guilting" YOU for him having to spend a ton of $ to get divorced? That seems like misplaced behavior on his part...it is his X wifes fault that something that was supposed to be amicable turned into chaos...not your fault. Also, his fault because he should have went thru with the divorce when she was in the amicable mood!
You said you have changed alot about you because of things that "irritate" him...being with someone and you know this you are 60 (I'm 56) should bring out the BEST IN YOU....You feel good when your around someone your supposed to be with and it sounds like you are now walking on eggshells...
I do not think you should stay in this relationship...I am sorry but that is my vote.
You deserve to be happy.
So let me paraphrase what you shared. You moved in with a married man who does not accept you for who you are, drinks excessively, ignores your interests (conversations) and blames you for his costly divorce. He is 70+ years old and probably set in his way. My question to you is, "What is there to love?" Maybe the question should be, "Why don't you love yourself?" You are a wonderfully made and a child of God. What would He want from you?
Run, he sounds like a narcissist, and he will not change. It will likely only get worse. Narcissists don't do normal relationships, they only look for scapegoats to abuse who will put up with it. Don't. What his ex-wife demanded may have come as a surprise to him, but if it's his way or the highway, you can only imagine what she went through while she was married to him. He started off things on a lie and that's a big red flag and it set a premise that you should not overlook as easily as you have. You had nothing to do with him getting divorced, he didn't have to if he didn't want to. He just doesn't like that he didn't get his way in the process and any time that happens narcs look for someone to blame. That's usually the scapegoat. Look up narcissistic abuse.