Uncomfortable with conflict
Hello! Just a warning, ya'll-- this might be a long story but I promise I'll make it as short and sweet as I can so bare with me. Please and thank you!
Okay so, for the past 2 years I've been living with my fiance and his mom, who is widowed. He also has an older brother and sister but they've been moved out since before I got here.
The relationship between my fiance and I is pretty great and we've been together for a total of 6 years so far. We do not get in a scuffle often but when we do, it seems to always be about the same thing.. when my fiance feels like I don't stand up for him.
For example, his mom will ask him to do something and if my fiance doesn't do it right away, she'll get immediately frustrated with him and sometimes won't talk to him for the rest of the day-- He'll then turn to me, wanting me to talk to her and correct the situation. The same happens when she makes a joke that hurts his feelings or when they have a huge argument-- He turns to me to fix it.
I kind of get where he's coming from but at the same time, I feel extremely awkward and inappropriate getting in the middle and
You are not a therapist and probably don’t have any experience in conflict resolution. So don’t feel you need to get in the middle of all this. In fact, refuse this role.
I would bet this interaction between mother and her son has been going on for a long time.
About the best you can do is to encourage him to seek counseling. An older male counselor might help him find the vocabulary for him to deal with this and set his own boundaries.
In the meantime, be looking for other housing arrangements.
I just reread my post and I find it strange how it cut me off.. oh well. At the very end I was just saying that I hate conflict enough as it is so to get into other people's conflicts is just as stressful for me-- but then again I might just be a coward and people-pleaser.
And thank you SusieDQQ for your response. I appreciate the insight and totally agree that it's about time for him to move out and breathe his own air. However, since his mom is widowed and my fiance is the only one in the house left to care for her (and the only one involved in her life really), I know that it's just gonna be another blow out. But we can only take one day at a time, I suppose. Thanks again for the help.
Is this woman elderly, handicapped or incapable of living alone?
I wouldn't say she's incapable of living alone but she's about 70. And no, not handicapped.
I just know that my fiance and her tend to get on each other's nerves and so I don't think space would be bad for them. However, she's extremely attached to her children so I know she's going to be absolutely distraught when her youngest finally decides to leave the nest.
a boy will never become a man while living at home.
the power differential between mom and son cannot be overcome easily.
distance and accomplishment. he needs steps to obtain independence such as his own place and accomplishments such as a decent job and paying his own way.
it sounds huge but that's what's required to take yourself from fiance' to wife. manhood.
My wife and I have gotten into similar disputes over our kids. In our situation, I am your finance, such that I don't feel like she backs me up when my child talks back or treats me disrespectfully. So for this reason, I can understand where he is coming from. I think he wants to feel validated and maybe feels unsure of himself. He wants you to agree with him and that you are a united front which he thinks you can show by standing up to his mom. Of course, the difference is that it isn't your mom. I think you tell him your feelings and maybe explore whey he feels that way. I think maybe there is more going on there than meets the eye. Communication is always the best way to resolve these things.