I just need some Mother advice. It is eating at my head all day.
I will just start from this year only or else if I do more, it'll be a novel. lol.
So I live 4.5 hours from my mom and step dad. I moved to a city to have better career opportunities and just to start a new chapter in life.
I had some issues with my new move and my dog. So in Jan, I took my dog to my parents house for the month. Then I went back to pick my dog and Mom and brought them back to my home. My mom helped me shift to a new place. She was suppose to just stay 2 or 3 weeks. But then she started saying how she wants to leave my stepdad and she doesnt like how he treats her and all this stuff. Which I don't like to be put in the middle but I tried to support her how I could.
But it was one minute they are good and talking nicely, the next she wants to leave so its honestly hard to understand.
Anyways she kept staying with me and I kept doing whatever she wanted. Then due to COVID, I was laid off work. So Finally I told my mom that she needs to go home as I was now jobless and had no clue what I would do for money. Plus she can't keep hiding at my place. Maybe its rude but at this point it was 2 months. It was time to go. Anyways, she made big drama about going home and we got into a fight but finally I drove her home.
Then we where fine and all was well again. and her and my step dad were good again. So fast forward to August.
So again says that they aren't doing well and she wants to leave him again and she wants to come for a visit. First, I am still out of work and had no money at the moment. So I told her wait until Beginning of september. but she says, no I want to come this weekend. But I just left it because I can not do anything and that passed.
Then again her and my step dad are fine and coming for a visit. She wants to come a few days before he does so I drive the 4.5 hours to pick her and do as she pleases.
SO i believe we all had a good visit and a good time together. This is what I assume.
However, on Wednesday she calls me and informs me that she feels I am hiding things from her and that I dont trust her or respect her or want to spend time with them
This all stemmed from me saying "I dont Know" to any questions she asked about my dads family. Because I honestly dont know. I speak to my dad and grandparents but she is asking questions of my aunts and uncles and I dont know so I say it.
But she said that she didnt know it was soooo bad and that I should say "I dont speak with them so I dont know" because I guess saying I dont know made me sound secretive?? but at the end of the day, she knows exactly that I do not speak with them or have contact. So it is frustrating that she acts like she didnt know this.
Then she says that I dont want to spend time with them. They just spent a week and a half. I drove to pick her so she had an extra 4 days. I took here everywhere she wanted. My stepdad took her everywhere. So this just baffles me as well.
But this also stemmed from the fact that they rented a cabin in the mountains for a week for Christmas but I wont say yes Ill come. So that makes her feel like I dont want to spend time with them. But honestly, They booked this at the end of August. I have no clue what the end of September will hold let alone Christmas. But she doesnt see it that way. She only sees her way and her way is renting the cabin she wants in the town she wants. She never considers anyone else.
Anyways, we didnt end the convo very well. I tried my best to be calm and cool but anytime I tried to explain something, she got hyper and would say "I am just expressing my feelings" so i finally said, "okay so its time for me to say my feelings" and her response was "way do you always act like I am the child and you are the mother?" and she also said that I am turning things around and trying to make this all should stupid. When it is kinda stupid, like if i respond in the way you wish, then you wont have these feelings?? does that make sense?
I just feel she is manipulative and its bad to say about my mom. I know. But it is getting so hard. We havent talked since that call. I want to message but then part of me thinks no. let her message. We always go crawling back to her. She always gets her way and her wishes. And she needs to start considering others. I have feelings as well and its not far.
Maybe this was more of a rant. but if anyone has some words or maybe you also deal with this with your moms. My story is much longer than this but as I said, I cant type a novel lol
Sounds to me like you have done all the right things.
You can tell her too that your feeling like you have boundaries...like...wanting to be treated your age....
You can reassure her you love spending time with her.
And the next time she is complaining about her husband...you can tell her that the only thing you can do to really "help" her out of that is to help her find a place of her own since she has been complaining about this for some time.
I think you are handling it really well...I wish you could not feel the "guilt" of trying to be an adult and realize these are "her issues" and not yours and REALLY BELIEVE they are hers to handle.
You can't change if she thinks you are being secretive about other family members...you can tell her that also....but that there are no secrets.
You can also tell her that you feel stuck in how to deal with the accusations and that you are doing the best you can.
Mothers are tough....LOL
omg. you are so right. Mothers are tough!!! so tough.
And it doesn't help that I am a people pleaser and the fact that we all walk around egg shells to please her.
And I have told her that I am not being secretive or hiding anything. I also told her that I am going back for studies and I can't commit to Christmas Plans yet. She knows financial that I am not there due to losing my job and starting full time studies. AND I hate when they pay my way for trips we go on because that is just another excuse for them to throw that in my face at later dates.
Any time they help me, they use it against me to get what they want from me. So it is so hard. A 30 year old adult that still feels like a child.
Even when they come for visits, I cant text, call or go anywhere without getting the interview. And if I dont use names, that makes her feel even more like I am hiding my life from her.
It has been this way my whole life. She never trusts me and its just hard. I feel like I didn't give her any reason not to believe. I am a truthful person. Quiet about my things, but truthful when asked. I dont make drama, I let things go, I move on. But her and my stepdad love to keep things going and talk and talk and talk over and over again about things that happened weeks, months or years ago. So its just hard. I am a private person and what happened a year ago, I don't care to bring it up again.
AND about her leaving her husband, I tell her all the time, I am there if that is the choice you take. But even when she was here for 2 months. She did nothing. She didnt look into things or search for jobs around here. Then one minute they are fine. So it is just confusing.
And I live in a small 1 bedroom basement suite. I dont have the room for her to come stay forever or the patience lol
But ugh. It is so tough. Thank you for listening lol
Its great you only have a studio...so you shouldn't have to feel the pressure..also you could white lie to her if she pushes to stay with you again cause she did for some time...you could say your landlord does not approve of it...LOL