How long to wait for this girl?
Hello folks, looking forward to getting some advice on my issue here.
To make a long story as short as possible, I have fallen completely in love with a woman I work with. I was the first to reveal my feelings and though she didn't immediately reciprocate them, she has come around and we get along as well as two people can. Until now, I had never understood when people talk about how they just "know" when they have met the right person for them, but I do feel that with her.
We not only work together, we talk on the phone throughout the night and we even hang out away from our job, going out to eat, etc. We do everything that two people in a relationship would do aside from getting physical. We have NOT done that. We have hugged, but that has been the extent of a physical relationship. However, I have made it clear that I would like to have a future with her.
Here's the problem. She has kids with a man who is in prison and she is waiting for his release. He has been there for nearly three years and will be getting released within the next 3 months. I literally dread that day.
She has been told by everyone close to her how much of a mistake it would be for her to pass me over for this guy, but she is determined to allow him to come home so she can "see what life would be like" and if they are still a good fit. That is respectable, but it just leaves me in limbo as the backup plan.
Last night, she told me that we need to take a step back and not talk as much because this man is aware that she is talking to someone on the side, he said he can just tell. He basically told her that she is cheating on him and now she wants to be a little less close to each other. She's not wrong for that. She has told me that she needs time to figure things out and I have promised that I will give her that time and not pressure her into anything. She says that if we started a relationship now, it would be for the wrong reasons, not the right ones.
She all but promised me that we will eventually be together because she KNOWS she wants me in the end. My question is, if she knows that, why should this man even be given the chance to come home and change her mind? I am willing to wait for her because of what I feel like we have together, but how long should I do that and what should I do in the meantime? I have tried not to badmouth this guy and I have not given her any ultimatums, but I am certainly frustrated.
By the way, since saying we should take a step back, which was just last night, she has called me about 8 times since we got off work today. She told me she just can't stop talking to me, even though she knows we should while she is still in this relationship, which she has said herself is not the best thing for her.
I am so frustrated and confused. Any advice and help will be greatly appreciated.
Too bad he is not staying in prison for 3 more years! WOW...
I give her credit for telling you that she is going to see what she feels like with the man she originally started her life with before making any decisions vs just dragging you along (not letting you she was actually STILL thinking she MAY be with him).
What I don't like is she is telling you that she KNOWS she will eventually end up with you...that is keeping your hopes up for a decision to go your way which she talks in circles by saying she wants to see how it goes with HIM. I can see she feels alot of guilt for having feelings for you and wants to see if her feelings are stronger for the guy she has been basing her life on..
What is confusing to ME as well as you thou is that ...I feel like IF she had the same feelings for you that you have for her...this guy wouldn't matter anymore AT ALL. Even thou you haven't had sex yet...to me she already is essentially cheating on this guy because she is emotionally invested in you, depending on you for emotional support and is enjoying the attention that you are showing her.
I know if you are saying you are really falling for this woman it is going to be and already is a really ROUGH situation for you to be in....because when you care for someone like you care for her...its impossible for anyone to tell you to look elsewhere and just forget about this...But, I do know that when he gets out...him just being around is also going to DRAG out...her decision...she may make the decision very quickly but she isn't going to be able to get out of his "grips" very quickly at all.
That is the "reality" of a complicated situation like this...you are going to be waiting and waiting...and the term "Life is Short" is not an exaggerated term..
I hate to say this because I know what "real love" feels like too and I know it is not something you WILL LET GO OF....But, that said..you hanging on is showing a lack of respect for your feelings (yourself) and for the feelings you have for her...Obviously when we start normal relationships our feelings should be growing and life should be continuing but your putting your life on hold and remaining a sounding board and shoulder for this woman to cry on when in the end...you are going to come out with the short end of the stick because she is already acting not as much into YOU as you are into her...She is into YOU because you are listening to her, occupying her time, showing her that you are attracted to her, feeding her ego...and what you are getting in return is ...BUT WAIT..I have to WAIT FOR HIM FIRST...NO.
Your also going to be seeing her at work...and that is a hard, hard thing for YOU as well.
I think the RIGHT thing to do (knowing the right thing is always the hardest thing)...
Is (sad face) to tell her that you really want to respect her wishes to not continue to "cheat" on this man and to give that relationship (the one she is currently in) a FAIR shot. And that you know in your "heart" that means completely stopping all extra curricula activity you two have been engaging in because you know that what you are doing is "cheating" and that she should continue her relationship with him and when she has figured out which direction she wants her life to go in you can talk again and see where your feelings are at....and that the continued communication with her at this point can go NOWHERE because she has not made a decision. You can tell her that you have to protect yourself from an eventual fall out in the end...and can't invest any more of your heart and time into something she is not sure of...Because SIR..you deserve to have the same types of feelings you are feeling reciprocated and not put on hold....
Yes, she is obviously making you feel good and you enjoy her..BUT she is in a relationship....and she is chosing not to end it...If she cared about YOU as deeply as you care about her she would have already made her decision and told the guy in prison that she was "Sorry" but that she has started having feelings for someone else and that she would help him to whatever they have agreed to for his arrangements coming out of prison but that she would like to explore these feelings she HAS FOR YOU....Otherwise she is just telling YOU that ...well you filled some time for me...I just don't know if that is all you are is a "time filler"...I have to see if I still have feelings for my man in prision still and if I do...your history.
Love does not mean you have to be "used" until she makes up her mind....she may not realize she is using you at all...but she is...and you have to STOP IT.
You asked what to do in the meantime? You will be hurting, grieving, confused..etc..but if your going to be with her it is meant to be and WILL BE...but in the meantime I really hope you will tell her you have to back off and let her figure her situation out...you have to keep BUSY...don't shut yourself off to other opportunities if they arise while she is making up her mind....Your mind was made up but she is hesistant...You WANT HER to BE SURE....and she shouldn't get any of you in the meantime....
Sorry so long I just wanted you to know i understand what you are "feeling" but she is not "feeling" the same or she would have already told the guy in prison the truth and would already be starting to plan a life with you....No one has time to put thier lives on hold...and you are CHEATING...and that is not healthy for you...You need to be more of a "man" than that....you don't want to be weak...please be strong.
Thank you for the thoughtful response. You’re not wrong with anything you said there.
Thing is, she actually told him a couple of nights ago that she was thinking of leaving the relationship with him. She didn’t tell him why, but he immediately guilt tripped her and made her change her mind. I wish she would have stuck to her guns.
But I know you’re right. Thank you again.
You need to be very careful in this situation.
This woman has children with this man and is deeply involved with him. He manipulates her from afar.
She was wrong to start up a relationship with you when she was committed to him. Now she is stuck in the middle, but has put you on hold while she works this out with this man.
Distance yourself from the both of them. If they aren’t right for each other then she needs to make the move to get away from him. Then and only then is she really free to have a relationship with You. Safe guard your own heart.
You don’t say why this man was in prison but it could be because of a violent incident. In any case it’s not a good scene to be involved in. Change jobs if needed to protect yourself from the blowback that’s bound to happen.
Feelings are not facts. Disabuse yourself of "knowing" this is the person for you. The person for you would be an available one. And one who you determine is for you through a process that is much different from this one. Also, be careful, the dude in prison could pose a danger for you.
She is obviously not invested in or committed to a relationship with you. She's also throwing the word "know" around in a manner that is inappropriate. Look at what she does, not what she says.
What you should know is that she plans to be with the other dude and that being with you is not her priority. Also, you're trying too hard to be understanding and unfair to yourself calling her approach respectable.
There is nothing respectable planning to be with the other guy to see if things work out while being with you the way she has. She should not be with you giving you hope for anything if she's still committed to this guy. If she were broken up from him for good and being with you, that's one thing. But she's essentially someone who is already in a relationship and who has no business getting involved with you.
Don't be naive and don't invest any more of your time in her. The only thing she is doing is causing drama and potentially putting you in danger.
How is it going at work? And this woman?
Things are about the same. She seems to like me more every day, which makes things so hard for me. But I know it all has to end at some point and I have let my supervisor know the situation. One of us will likely have I leave the company when all is said and done.
Thank you for asking. I really appreciate that
Oh shoot! Why did you tell your Supervisor? Are you giving into her advances? When I read "you" let the Supervisor know of the situation it makes me think either...The Supervisor noticed something and he asked you about it....OR...You felt this situation was interfering in your work and you told the Supervisor. You don't have to share...but my brain is confused and curious....lol.
Also...you really LIKE her, I got that impression from your first post...and I'm hoping you don't get too hurt in this situation...I hope she is not using you...I don't think she is using you in a vicious way...but I don't know if she is using you subconsciously (loving that you are into her) and I don't know her exact feelings for the person she is attached to that is in jail...I don't know how much she really likes him and you don't either...You sound like a nice guy trying to do the right thing (not many guys post on relationship boards) and I want everything to work out for you.
I told my supervisor because it is interfering in work and I felt it was the right thing to do. Honestly, she acts like she doesn’t like the guy in jail that much and has said to me multiple times that she KNOWS I’m the best thing for her and all her friends/family have told her the same thing. Yet, he’s still on schedule to come home to her in December and that seems to be all there is to it.
Oh man...I would tell her to stop telling me I'm the best thing for her as she is holding a bed for her x boyfriend.
Always try when you get in a situation with her to pretend it is your best friend in the situation and do whatever you would tell THEM to do.
Thanks for all of your great advice, Missy.
She has indicated to me that when she is ready, she’ll let me know. I realize that day may never come and wondering “how long” that will be is the hardest part for me. At the same time, I don’t want to become some pushy, whiny, obsessive person either because that is sure to push her away.
So I will take her at her word and if she really feels like I’m the right guy for her, she’ll let me know. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.
During this period, I want to be the best version of myself and remain desirable in her eyes always. What would be your advice on how I should go about doing that?
When I read that you "want to be the best person" you can be...that made me smile and actually tear up...
You already are doing a pretty good job as I can see from afar...you set boundaries for HER and YOURSELF...and being the best person you can be is being honest, having integrity, being respectful of others, being as authentic as you can with yourself and others...being kind to others...
So...she said she will "let you know"....It DOES make sense to me (I am pretty proud of her also)...seems she is respecting YOUR FEELINGS and has enough insight to know that it is not RIGHT to lead you on....and that to me shows she does CARE for you....I also understand because I watch this prison show "Love after Lock Up" where woman wait for their "boyfriends" to get out of jail. And one particular woman is acting just like your potential "future"...She really doesn't know if she still wants to be with the guy in jail....or be with the guy she has been having relations with....Her story turned out...the guy came out of prison she did spend time with the guy and realized that her feelings were stronger for the guy she had been seeing but she NEEDED to do that because her and the guy that was in prision HAD A HISTORY and she wouldn't have felt good if she just turned her back on him for someone else without weighing her feelings for both...and the person you are talking to can not do that...because the dude is still in jail. So I'm so glad she has stepped back...I know it doesn't FEEL GOOD.
But, I would imagine it would feel worse if she wasn't being honest and then all of a sudden the dude comes out of prison and she just dumped you.
I also loved you said if it is meant to be it will be....THAT is the key right there.....IT WILL BE if it was meant to be.
The timing is all based on when this "jerk" (sorry, he could be a nice guy, putting jail aside) actually my b/f is an x felon and he is a wonderful, loving, kind, compassionate soul....I have been with for 7 years now....But for the sake of this story I want YOU to win the GIRL....
So when he gets out...it will probably take her about a month to figure it out.....She has you in the back of her mind...she is going to be comparing....She sounds like she may be mature...I don't know if you said how old you guys are...but she may realize...this "thing" she had with the x is not as deep as the "thing" she could have with you...Waiting is horrible...
And you also never know you could meet someone else...that is the whole mystery behind "if it is meant to be"...because lets say you did meat someone else....and fell so head over heels...you would be thanking the stars you didn't continue with the current "potential"....you just have to live your life the best you can.
I know being single is lonely (I watch my son) but you don't want to put yourself in a wrong situation just to avoid being lonely....
Love finds us when we are confident and strong and SURE of what we need and deserve in our lives....
Keep me updated
Thank you so much, Missy. Your response made me feel good. I especially like what you included about that tv show. That all makes sense.
I will keep you updated. I don’t know what to expect, but I’ll let things fall where they may.
Your awesome..A CATCH for sure...do what you will...and she is lucky you are interested....trust that!
Missy, I wanted to come and update this situation as much has occurred.
Our supervisor at work did interject herself into the situation as it had caused a disruption at our job. In the end, she split us up which didn’t sit well with her (the girl in this story). However, we have still been talking just as much as when we did work together.
Last night, she called me for a favor. I obliged even though it was very late at night. She had been out drinking and wanted me to follow her home to make sure she got there ok. I was prepared to leave once she did arrive home but she asked me to come in. I was tired and ready to go home but I went inside. I made the comment multiple times over the next several hours that I was going to go home but she told me she wanted me to stay. We ended up having sex, which I never saw coming or planned for. It just happened.
In talking to her today, she is kind of down on herself for doing it, noting how long she has been loyal to the guy in prison. I knew that would happen right away. She’s still saying that she wants to wait for him to come home and see how things go. She made the comment today that she’s “not sure what I’m going to do in a little bit” in reference to him coming home. My reply was “just wait for you to be available like I’ve been doing”.
I’m not going to treat her any different or act weird toward her now that this has happened. I’m happy it did on one hand, but wish it would have been at a more appropriate time on the other.