Boyfriend disregards my sexual trauma and PTSD
I’ve been with my boyfriend since we were 12, it sounds stupid I know. Almost six years later we’re still together. Long story short, I have PTSD regarded an incident that happened four years ago with my mum’s ex-partner, an incident when he “sleptwalked” into my room, knelt down beside my bed and started to run his fingers up and down my leg and over my body when I was asleep. I believe that this incident is one of the reasons why I suffer from PTSD, it’s one of the reasons that I often tend to feel claustrophobic and numb. Anyways, there’s been a few incidents with my boyfriend where I’ve been upset about something in my life/ a bad day, and my boyfriend hasn’t understood that it isn’t the right time to try to be sexual with me. I feel as if he doesn’t understand when the right place/right time is to be sexual with me, knowing of my past experiences. Last weekend we went out for a late birthday celebration which was lovely, however on the way home I was falling asleep on the train. It was more than obvious that I was exhausted. My boyfriend was staying round that night, so we got home, I sorted out my room, took my make up off and got into bed. I made it clear that I just wanted to sleep, so I said goodnight to him and turned over so I could sleep. He began to complain that he wasn’t tired (implying that he wanted to have sex before we went to sleep). He tried to make me stay awake just because he himself was finding it to sleep.
During the night I woke up to him stroking my legs/bum/thighs and my stomach. Obviously I knew that he was in the mood to have sex, but I made it so clear that I was not in the mood and I just wanted to sleep. I made it very clear that he had made me feel extremely uncomfortable and upset.
I basically wanted to find a problem forum where I could explain my story to see what people’s ideas/view is on my situation, but most importantly to see whether how I’m feeling is understandable. I suffer from trust issues anyways, so for my boyfriend to disrespect me in a way when he knows about my PTSD and past experience, and still is unable to control himself, it makes me question the relationship and the type of person that he is. I’m not sure if any of that made any sense but I would appreciate anyone at all to read and reply back with their honest opinion/view. I’m desperate.
Do you make it very clear to this person that you are not interested in sex that night - before he spends the night in your bed?
Sometimes when I go out with my boyfriend I have to make it very clear that I am tired and I need to go home to my own house at the end of the night. He doesn’t always like it but I just feel I cannot be talked into having sex, Especially when I am tired.
Are you getting counseling for your PSTD? It’s important that stroking you When you sleep together ( by your boyfriend) is a real trigger for you.
Thank you for your response.
Yes I do make it clear when I am not interested. I was so tired and all I wanted to do is to just fall asleep. My boyfriend doesn’t stay round my house a lot, and when we went out on Saturday night it was just easier for him to stay over. Usually I enjoy it when he stays over, even just cuddling and then falling asleep. But from how he was on Saturday, I just feel different about him now because similar situations keep happening. He repeats that he can assure me that it won’t happen again, but he’s said that a few times.
Yes I used to see a counsellor for my PTSD. Most of the time I feel as if I’ve accepted it and that I am able to get by without it taking over my whole day. However, when these sort of situations keep happening it’s hard because it’s all that I can think about.
To me..and I'm sorry you have PTSD from sexual stuff and I do as well...and I also want "control" of my body and when I want to have sex....I was with a partner who was constantly wanting sex and I finally found someone who "it just happens with" and it is beautiful and I think that is how it is supposed to be...I don't have to say no more than 3x...(LOL).....and then it is no argument, no walking on egg shells, no thinking about it anymore.
I don't think this has to do WITH PTSD is what I am trying to say. I think it has to do with either the level of your boyfriends immaturity or some selfish personality trait he is carrying around....My X was selfish...just wanted sex....didn't give a crap if I wanted it or not...told me many times to just "lay there for a minute" if I was too tired....etc.....
I have been with another man who would ask for sex because he was insecure and immature...and when I said no he was too immature to realize it was about me being tired and not about ME REJECTING HIM....after a couple years together he matured a lot and realized when I said NO it wasn't because of him and he was "fine" with me saying no...but I really did have to have the conversation with him many times that he was making me feel awkward..and sex can always happen but not if you make it a "thing"....We broke up but not due to sex issues.
Finally, I have a mature guy that understands not everyone wants to have sex at the same time all the time...and it goes both ways...when he is tired...he will act not into it...I get it and just go to sleep....(I'm not currently with him that is a whole different story)....
So for YOU...Is it he is immature/insecure? Or is it he is just a selfish jerk?
You know him I think you should be able to figure out which it is....and if it is immaturity you are going to have to explain to him you were upset the other night..because you felt like he took it personally that you didn't want to have sex and that you were uncomfortable...and there should be a good conversation where you both feel better.
If he is just a selfish jerk....Than you have to think about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship.
Hello Lucy 123,
I am sorry that you experienced the incident by your moms ex-partner. Have you actually been diagnosed with PTSD, and did you go through any type of counseling for it? If not, I encourage you to do so.
Your bf sounds like he is really not trying to 'be there' for you when you need him emotionally. He is selfishly thinking of himself about sex, and is not trying to control himself. He has to realize that if he wants a 'relationship', it's not all about HIM. Analyze your relationship with him, and ask yourself some hard questions. Be truthful as well. You may be outgrowing him, meaning that you are maturing, and he is either not maturing, or is maturing at a slower rate than you are. You deserve a partner who is willing to put their own needs aside when you are in need, and vice versa.