I'm torn in what to do..am I being stupid?
I met my bf at work we got on well and spoke laughed there's 6 yrs difference im older everything was fine and I could see a future with him roll on 6 months later and we started dating...3 months later he moved in with me,we have lived together for 17 months.
i just don't know if this is really worth it and have no one to talk too so opinions really would help
Our first so called magical Xmas together he went to his family at 10.30am and returned home 10.30pm didnt see a problem but went on about how miserable he was until I saw the photos which suggested otherwise so no magical first Christmas or even a photo.
we would go out with mutual friends but now gonout if I can with my friends alone which is rare because when together 99% I would be left and often got asked were we in fact a couple, then I became ill he visited me in hospital but when I came home didnt really know what to do.
He is immature in some respects where as I want to be looked after not be the one always cutting the grass cooking cleaning doing laundry painting fixing working full time I cant rely upon him, he pays rent but then its always an "us" if work needs to be done which I pay for and everything is a good price ..I feel like a sugar moma! When I was ill his oldest friend had a party so I drove us so he could have a drink 50 miles away not feeling 100%...anyway get the venue he went to the bar to get a drink left me in a place I didnt know and didnt know 1 person so I stood there with squash for 2 hrs while he was at the bar he basically ignored me i could have cried.
Anyway moved on from that and several other incidents like it I always forgive and forget but feel hurt ive had to literally beg for a weekend occasionally (he has a little girl) we both work full time so every weekend we have her which isn't a problem but im expected to not say anything I do everything ive had the argument where im his partner not his mother and he has and said he will try to change but honestly im not sure what we have I feel like he is a house mate, we hardly have a sex life at the beginning we did he said he isnt in the mood too tired and its not me but gone off it.
He works shifts so stays up late at times the the other week it was 3.30 am I woke up as he still hadn't come to bed and as I came down he was masturbating checking and looking around dont know if he heard me on the stairs I was shocked so went back to bed and stayed awake when he came to bed I gave it ten and got up seeing him do that hurt
I'm not a prude but when he tells me one thing and obviously not the case I dont know what to think.
I messaged him as we dont talk our communication is via msg asking what was he doing till 3.30 got watching tv so pointed out it didn't look like that...he messaged back he knew thats what was wrong with me and swears its only been a couple of times since he moved in, sex life still non existent not for want of trying, we were due to go away with my daughter who's 24 the following weekend I asked him not to come I was serious and said about moving out whilst I was gone, he saw what it did to me over the week and we made friends but its not the same. now I just see him doing that and can't get it out my head and when he stays up late I think whats he up too i know porn is on his phone if he's gone into search sometimes the port website is open in the back he says name a bloke who doesn't watch it or have it on the phone..my ex didnt we watxhed it together!
I dont want to feel like this but I feel deceived and lonely in this relationship but dont know if its me. Ive put on weight through illness but have to at the moment so have no self confidence, but wonder with everything else am i wasting my time? Am I being to sensitive I know he loves me but I feels like I'm a single person in a relationship I don't feel secure.
He doesnt communicate and the most i get is when I leave the house and message him. When he is at work he tells me why do I need to message you when I live with you.
Please help and sorry for the long post
The guy's actions are doing the talking and that's one reason why there's no communication and security in your relationship as you state. It's not so much about his immaturity, it's about you realizing that your relationship is treading water, while you're slowly drowning. You need to listen to your gut instinct because your guy isn't putting you first and has stopped working at keeping your relationship together.
You've basically gave him an ultimatum the weekend you spent with your daughter, but then you have to decide whether your relationship is worth your efforts because, as you post, there's not much coming back to you other than excuses.
If you have a 24 year old daughter I am assuming you are in your late 40's.
You are wasting your life with this person...who clearly isn't making you happy. I say it is a waste because you are not feeling loved, cared for, sought after even thou it seems you have been trying. He seems a bit selfish and immature...Couples who work alot (my b/f does) and who work different schedules (my b/f does too) really do struggle because of the different "sleeping schedules" and different responsibilties.
My b/f works a late night schedule, doesn't live with me right now...but had a visit last night here and it seemed all about him...rub my back, get me a plate, then he sleeps (because he has to) and I feel neglected also...I know what you are going thru...for the part of him not sleeping in your bed or being in the bed till 3am I think that is more of the different work schedule and his different sleep needs than it is about you.
Clearly, he has feelings for you but he doesn't seem to care or love or try as hard as you do. And being in your 40's or any age really but mainly as we get older we shouldn't be wasting time.
I would say it would be really difficult for me to spend EVERY weekend with someones young daughter and not be able to have discussions about things that are occurring in your relationship...It is normal to be able to have conversations and sometimes "heated" conversations in a relationship. Seems he uses his daughter as a safety net to avoid some communication he should be having with you. Talking about good and bad things in the relationship helps to develop intimacy and a feeling of you and him feeling "safe" and "connected" in a relationship.
You have not really said anything about anything being "wonderful" in any aspect of your relationship. Masturbation is a natural thing for both males and females...has nothing to do with his level of feelings for you but I can see how you would "take" what you witnessed the wrong way...Like WTH? He doesn't want me? He wants to pleasure himself instead? I think like you said...his work schedule and responsibilities with his daughter and lack of communication with you and the fact the time he does have with you is spend mainly doing what he wants (like leaving you in the bar area to be with his friends) he is not even putting the relationship at any priority level.
Every single person on this planet has the right to feel loved, respected, cherished or adored....important and your just not getting any of these grand feelings from this person.
I don't know what your options are...but I think you have "tried" long enough. I think you said something about low self esteem so you started this relationship with low self esteem and it appears the relationship is adding to you feeling like you are not "enough".
If I was YOU...I would start making a plan of how I was going to break away from this situation, live on my own, heal some of my wounds...and then possibly one day the right person will come in your life...and you both can be happy.
Its very clear to me that this person is not the right person for you just the way you give the description of how this relationship makes you FEEL.
Relationships don't feel good ALL the time...but it should be more of the time you are feeling good rather than more of the time feeling bad.
I think you KNOW this but wanted validation that you are not in the wrong by thinking something is wrong with this relationship .....You are not in the wrong.
This whole relationship is wrong for the BOTH of you. :(