Worry or not?
I met my husband online 12 years ago when my first marriage was ending after 25 years. We fell head over heels for each other at the time I was 46 and he 52. His marriage ended badly over his wife’s alcoholism and mine from physical and mental abuse. I’m from the states he is from the U.K. our game plan after dating 5 years we would move back to the states after getting my dual citizenship . Well I got stage 2 breast cancer and had 17 months of surgeries and treatment. So of course I missed the cutoff and my adult children back home especially my daughter who has had two daughters in that span.. wanted her mama home for good.. ( I fly home 3x every year). And healthcare here is free but home well you know outrageous so I’ve been here 6 years. Thing is I am applying for my dual citizenship in May 2020. But it seems my husband has made friends with a 48 year old in California. He is 63 now will be 64 in December and I just turned 58. He texts this woman everyday sometimes twice a day I’ve read some of the texts as she is married as well.... but I find the texting and constantly checking his phone is interrupting our time to talk... we make love now maybe once every three or four months. I always have to initiate it. I feel like I sacrificed everything for this man and he has no empathy that I have to mostly talk on weekends to my kids and grandkids while we keep his all the time..,, I want to go home for good but I love him so should I stay and work it out?? Or go home as soon as flight restrictions are back to normal. I also work here and he is redundant thanks to Covid. Please all advice is acceptable.
It doesn't matter how much effort you put into your marriage, if your husband isn't returning it, then you're basically alone. Sure, marriage vows are marriage vows but two people have to work at it for it to survive. You need to decide what's best for you and you need to have a serious conversation with him to help you determine where your marriage is at. It's confusing as to why he's friends with another married woman and needs to communicate constantly with her.
Your gut is talking to you when feel he has no empathy and there's nothing coming back to you. You deserve to be happy and secure but ask yourself if there is any future in staying where you are now given the circumstances. You may love your husband but are you in love with him?
Thank you Manalone I appreciate your reply.. I’m not sure why I’m so desperate to have love, gosh knows I’ve tried to make him happy and give all I can. Sad fact too in this mix I have two stepdaughters here and four grandchildren that look to me as grandma as their maternal grandmother is an alcoholic for years that’s why my now husband left her, that and she tried to stab him with a butcher knife... scared that one. So if I did pack up and try to get home from this pandemic flights are impossible.. it would hurt losing him but as for true love and the thought of going... no my first husband I did the same bought him things wait on him hand and foot but his temper finally broke me after 30 years (I started dating him at 15 so yes he was my true love) so I think emotionally my first has my true love and our kids which are 34 and 30. Two granddaughters have been born since I’ve been here...they are 5 and 2. I did mention the woman he is talking too and of course told me I was being stupid! (Really I have 2 degrees and he barely high school but I’m stupid. Anyway he told me I was trying to be controlling? I dunno am I? I mean I have male friends I grew up with and we might talk in face book once every 6 months... everyone can read it. But, then she must be hiding from her husband as well or he doesn’t care? I was supposed to go home next month but thanks to the pandemic I will be here in Scotland instead sigh..... thank you very much for your input sir I appreciate a fresh point of view other than talking to myself 😉 thank you again.
So it's all OK for your husband to call you out for being stupid when he's texting another married woman?? but if he had a damn good reason, you'd think he'd explain it all to you to at least, try and put your heart at rest. As for being controlling, it's your reaction to his actions with her which lead you to questioning him and it's all tied up in that serious conversation you need to have with him which should give you some answers and give him the chance to show some responsibility and maturity.
Thank you manalone.... he is A bit self righteous about everything. Sad part is today is our 8th anniversary. I didn’t acknowledge it but he did ... small bouquet and a card... I wanna thank you for being so helpful. I have a lot to think about and maybe going back home after this lockdown is the answer😊 have a blessed week my friend ....