I need help, I don’t know what to do with my relationship?
First I want to apologize for making this so long, you will probably spend 3-4 minutes reading my thread, this is a very long story I tried my best to brief and provide all the details so you could understand the story.
“Sigh” I don’t even know where to start.. I met my fiancé 11 years ago. I was 15 and he was 17. We met in high school. The only reason why I decided to date my fiancé was because 15 year old me was jealous that my fiancé had started talking to another girl after I rejected him countless times. I was never attracted to my fiancé then or now. Over time, I started to really care for my fiancé and love him. He proposed to me in 2018. In October 2019 I started a new job and one of the guys who got hired along with me had a crush on me and had no problem saying it to my face or being vocal about it around our coworkers. I told him several times I was engaged and even showed off my ring. But this guy did not care. On my last day of work, I gave him my number. A week later i went on a date with this guy behind my fiancé’s back, we kissed nothing else happened. On our second date we had sex and I had no regrets. This was the second person I had sex with and enjoyed it more than I ever had with my fiancé. Fast forward to April 2020, I ended things with my fiancé because I really liked this new guy and found myself wanting him and thinking about him 24/7. I never experienced this feeling with my fiance and it was so confusing to me as to how I could be so head over heels for someone I met recently. I never told my fiancé about this affair, when I ended things with him I told him it was because I could not deal with the pressures and inconsistencies of our dysfunctionional relationship so I wanted time apart. My fiancé was upset and heart broken, he felt like I gave up on us and put him last and “school” first.
My fiancé and I were broken up for 2 months. During those 2 months he dated other women, received and exchanged nude pictures with them and had sexual encounters with those women as well ( he said he didn’t have sex). After learning of his endeavors I was not jealous or cared but I acted as if I was hurt, only so that I could leave him again. Apart of me wanted to get back together with him because I missed him, however I did not miss the relationship; this was something I noticed shortly after we rekindled our relationship again. I decided to end things with guy I had an affair with a few days ago, Monday to be exact. However I can’t stop thinking about that douche bag, he has nothing to offer. Matter of fact, he was complete downgrade. I’m sure any man is a better option than him but yet I can’t stop thinking about him. Every time my phone rings I hope it’s him. He has not reached out me since the day I broke things off with him and he doesn’t seem to care. His response to me breaking things off with him was “it’s cool”. This guy never showed interest in building a future with, making me his gf, he never even introduced me to his family during the 11 months of our fling. Meanwhile I was always concerned about his car issues, would offer to take him to work or pick him up, was trying to encourage him to take the ACT test etc, I even told him I loved him around June and he didn’t say it back or share similar feelings with me. He’s no comparison to my fiancé. This guys makes $12.00 an hour, walks to work because his car is constantly breaking down, can barely read and doesn’t know how to spell, has no problem and sees no problem with banking with amscot instead of opening up checking account with an established bank, did not graduate from high school and he’s an ex-scammer and identity thief. I learnt that he did not graduate high school 6 months into knowing him and I also learnt of his scamming past 3 months ago. This guys fancies all the finer things in life that the average person may never own or expieremce, such as designer clothing like Gucci, Dior, and Louis Vuitton. Foreign cars like Maseratis and Porsche’s and yet as no aspirations or means to ever even be able to (legally) afford any of this. He’s the complete opposite of me. I could care less for name brand, I have my masters degree and will soon start pursing my doctorates degree, I’m not materialistic nor do I care for any of the things he’s interested in. I’m mad at myself for giving him a shot. Whenever I asked him about becoming official, as in GF/BF he would say we should take it slow and just let love unfold on its own time. I felt like he never wanted to make me his GF but didn’t want to tell me that because he knows I’d walk away. So instead, he’d charm me into thinking and feeling like me and him would work eventually and to just keep things as is for now. Yet, he would frequently talk about getting me pregnant and how nice our kids would look because of my features and our mixed ethnic backgrounds? This was always such a turn off for me, because it seemed liked he wanted to make me a “baby momma”.
Though I ended up leaving my fiancé in April, the guy I was having an affair with never cared to ask me questions about my previous relationship or fiancé, it’s as if he didn’t care to check to see if I was still engaged or was with my fiancé. I want to love my fiancé as equally as he loves me, I also want to be able to have sex with him and be attracted to him, but I just can’t. Me and my fiancé have not had sex since March, I try any and everything to avoid intimacy with him. When he kisses me, I will wipe my mouth off if he’s not looking, sometimes I even try to avoid holding his hand. There are so many things I find unattractive about my fiancé, he has terrible posture, he slouches 24/7, his breathe always smells, he has a huge butt that jiggles like jello, he’s gained 50 pounds and the majority of the weight shows in his butt and chest, he’s been balding in the middle of his hair for the past 5 years and refuses to cut off his hair, he’s constantly passing gas and he gets these huge boils on his butt cheeks and pubic area that leak and smell. At the same time, I also feel bad about complaining about his appearance and things he can’t control. I know no one is perfect, I wish I didn’t care about all of his imperfections but I do : /. When I first met my fiancé I realized all of his imperfections immediately but they didn’t really bother me for some reason, I knew he was ugly, I knew his hair was thinning, I knew he had a big jiggly butt, I knew he his breathe was barely ever fresh and I was fine with it but now I’m not and I can’t stand it? The guy I was having an affair with was toned, always had fresh breathe and had a hair full head like most people in their 20s do, but other than that he was just terrible guy for me.
Before you ask, I’ve tried leaving my fiancé (after rekindling with him in August). I’ve tried telling him that I don’t love him the same, I’m not attracted to him, and that we should just be friends. However he refuses to let me go and a small part of me doesn’t want to let him go either because I’m scared of life without him. I would love to keep him in my life as a friend but he told me he would never allow that. I can’t stop thinking about that douche bag I was having an affair with. He never cared for me. Why can’t I lust or want my fiancé the same way I cared for that douche bag? I don’t know if should leave my fiancé, or even how to. Sorry to make this so long. Please give me advice if you can? How can I see my fiancé the same way I did in the beginning of the relationship??
I think you just "miss" the ego boost you got from the "fling"...You can't stand that the "fling" is not interested "enough"...It affects your self confidence.
As far as your "fiance" it is SO unfair that you are holding on to this man for YOUR comfort and fears of not having anyone to talk to about your daily issues, someone you know will be there to support you no matter what, someone you know is head over heels for you.
Its just not fair to him....if you would let him go he would eventually meet someone that really "likes" him, his kisses, his sex and would help him with his breath (lol)....You are deceiving him for your own benefits....and holding him back from finding someone who will truly love and truly care about him.
You are also hurting yourself...keeping yourself from finding someone you truly love and care about. You...are wasting time and energy on all these thoughts about 2 people that you are really "not that into" but the 2 people that add some fuel to your ego.
You should really let them both go...learn how to be on your own, love yourself without affirmation and support from others...focus on finishing your schooling...and when you are "healthy" the right person will come into your life.
If you keep holding on to your fiance...you will stay in this cycle of wondering why....and you are hurting him and yourself.
Be strong...step away and start a new chapter in your life.