Hiding a relationship from parents who disapprove of him. Help.
ALICEINWONDERLAND - Oct 27 2020 at 23:45
TD;DR my parents don’t approve of my guy. I’m still seeing him behind their backs. I’m worried they’ll disown me.
Apologies in advance if my grammar is a little f-ed at times and that this is super long
Hi, I am F24, Australian born-Chinese. I have been close friends with a guy (M23, Australian born-Sri Lankan) for about a year. He is truly my best friend. We have the same values, get along very well and have great communication. In March this year, I started developing feelings for him. He did too. Eventually we both confessed and realised we felt the same about each other. We were both nervous to start it because we were scared to ruin the relationship if it didn’t work out romantically. After months of thinking it over and discussing it, we both decided we wanted to be together and started seeing each other. We were super happy. Everything was good and we fell in love very quickly.
I’m very close to my mum. I have a great relationship with her and we share a lot with each other. We’ve been through some tough times with each other which has strengthened our relationship. I think I have licence to say that I have a relationship with my mum that not many people can claim to have. I am lucky. She talks to me constantly and listens to me too. She is the person I trust, admire and respect the most in my life. Naturally I wanted my mum to know that I was seeing someone, so I began telling my mum little bits here and there to get her to warm up to the idea of seeing this guy. She already knew about this person in my life, because of our friendship. So she knows about the previous girlfriend and other things about his life that I share about him with her, prior to our romantic relationship beginning.
Every time I brought up the possibility I was seeing this guy, my mum kept giving me advice on how he’s not right, how he is a fuck boy with a reckless past and how she knows he will have a reckless, unstable future. And that being with him will not lead to a smooth life that I deserve to have. She has also mentioned I should not see ‘Indian’ people. (She wants me to be with a Chinese boy and yes I know how racist she is being. She won’t admit it or accept that it’s discriminatory.)
I have always been an obedient kid. I always take my mum’s advice and listen to everything she asks and tells me. But being older know and trusting myself that I had chosen a person that is good for me, I wanted to put my foot down. I argued tirelessly about it. It’s taken a toll on both our emotions. We would always be tired of these conversations. They would get no where. We could not see eye to eye.
One day I was on a phone call with him in my room. My mum heard I was talking to someone and came in. She asked me who I was talking to. I pathetically lied and said it was a girl friend. My mum can read me like a book (a gift and a curse of good mothers) and immediately knew I was lying. When she found out it was him, she blew up, then demanded I end it. When I adamantly said I wouldn’t, she went to get her phone and called him. He didn’t pick up (he told me later because he didn’t have her number saved on his phone and thought it was a random dialing). She then got me to call him from my phone. I called twice. He didn’t pick up either time. Seeing this, she made her resolve.
She threatened to take my phone away and that she would quit her job and follow me every where I go if I didn’t listen to her. I was shocked into silence and paralysed with fear. She also got my father involved and told her what happened. I was too tired at that point to say anything and let her talk. I was defeated and was mortified at how much I was arguing and lying already. I was being terribly disrespectful my parents who have been good to me my whole life. Both told me to end it. Now.
So I texted my partner that I couldn’t do this anymore and that we can’t see each other anymore. We stopped contact after that. I broke his heart and that broke mine. In the days following I followed through with my mothers demands and did not speak to him at all. It was horrible, horrible, agonising pain. I cried a great deal, because I really love this person.
Exactly two weeks after not speaking he broke the silence and messaged me. He told me he missed me and that he couldn’t bear not even speaking to me. He was conflicted in writing these messages, because he wanted to respect my mother’s wishes, but said that he still loved me and desperately wanted to be with me. We were both hurting and confused. I broke and reciprocated.
We then made the decision to have a secret relationship, which is quite possibly going to be on a LDR level to make it easier for me. I don’t want to lie to my parents and he knows it will make me feel agonisingly guilty and stressed. I am also a horrible liar.
It's been only 3 days since then and I'm already stressing. My parents are very close to me and keep close attention to me. It is impossible to hide things. However, I am resolved on keeping this relationship. My partner has told me that he is willing to wait for me for as long as possible. love him deeply and I know he loves me too. He has said he wants to marry me one day when we’re ready, despite having only been romantically linked for so short a time. I truly fell loved and believe he really wants to spend his life with me. I trust him and his words, but I am worried his patience will wane and he will get restless. I know he is resolved on being understanding and patient and I’ve noticed he hasn’t given me a time limit and I know he has decided in his own head not to set one. But I don’t want him to live with this unknown. I want to be able to be straight with him, but I don’t think my parents will be open or understand given I have tried to talk to my mum.
I have told my partner upfront that they don’t like him and don’t approve. This has hurt him deeply, which I totally understand. The only solution I can see at the moment is for him to talk to my mum in person. But he doesn’t understand why he needs to do that and believes that my parents should trust that I can make decisions on who I can and want to see in my life. I don’t disagree, but I also don’t agree. However I don’t want to force my partner to do anything. Only other solutions for the foreseeable future is to stay with him, tell parents and risk disownment and breakdown of parent-daughter relationship; or never say anything and have my mother constantly tell me I need to find a nice Chinese boy whilst I continue to see him. This really sucks man. I need both sides in my life. They both make me happy, but both can’t be happy with each other. I quite possibly will be eloping at this rate (am I being dramatic? Idk maybe) and will have to live with my mother cutting her relationship with me. She’s made it clear she will not have me live a life with this guy.
Does anyone have any similar stories and what happened in their situation? Or if you have some advice, I would really appreciate it. Please share.