How do I stop my overly controlling daughter?
My adult daughter tries to control my life and has been doing so since my husband (her father) passed away 9 years ago. I did go through a temporary rough patch after he passed but never lost control of my life except I lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated leaving me in the hospital a few times. She freaked out which I understand b/c I am her sole parent now.
Once I started dating a few years after that, she became worse and constantly had to know about my dates. I dated someone on and off for about 6 yrs and she resented him so bad that I had to keep them separated most of the time. She couldn't see what I liked about him. The reality was that he was very good to me but he did have a bit of a troubled past when it came to money but he was recovering slowly from that. In any event, I broke up with him over a year ago and starting see a nice man from out of town. While she was a little better for a while, lately she's started over again. When she asks about my weekend plans and tell her he is visiting, she either makes a face or says why can't you go 1 weekend without seeing him (which I did when she visited 2 months ago b/c I know she didn't want to see him). She also says I should be spending more time with my girlfriends "because when you break up with him you'll have no one". Nice huh??
She also constantly asks what I'm eating even though I gained the weight back a few years ago.
I tried a few months ago to tell her that I am a grown women and can take care of myself and she need not worry or get involved in my life by micromanaging it. I don't do that to her.
Unfortunately the one time she met my bf, she was turned off by his outspokenness. she felt he was disrespectful (I don't though). She is visiting again soon with her finance for 8 days and I don't want to ban him from my home and he wants to see her and maybe get a 2nd chance with her.
How do I proceed?
It's basically about putting your foot down with your daughter and telling her to mind her business. You have your life to lead while she has hers and that's where the priorities should lie. You shouldn't need to ban your BF from the house just because your daughter is visiting, in fact, if she's visiting, then she needs accept others who are in your life, regardless of their perceived shortcomings and whether she approves of them or not.
The more you give in to your daughter, the more she will try to control you and it's not so much about your BF maybe getting a second chance to know her, it's about your daughter being gracious and accepting and being thankful that you have managed to get on with your life since your husband and her father passed. While it's difficult at times for adult kids to accept someone else who has replaced their father, whether temporarily or not, your daughter needs to respect you as her mother and respect your station and your life experience.
It's all good to have a caring and attentive daughter but when becomes controlling, then it's time to make decisions which are best for you.
Thanks for taking the time to share. It may make you feel a little better when you consider your daughter could take the opposite approach in your relationship. That is, she couldn't care less about your life. But I digress. As in most conflicts, there may need to be a little give and take from both of you. Ideally, your daughter needs to respect your decisions and behaviors. However, she lost her father also, and that demands some attention from you. The next step may be a little more difficult. Somehow you must negotiate boundaries and needs of both of you. Communication, trust, and the truth goes a long way here. Good luck.
Haven’t you posted here before? About this boyfriend and your daughter?
From the description of your new boyfriend he seems to have a personality disorder. Anyone who makes a cat the victim is a person with problems. Plus, your daughter also seems to be needy and in fear of losing her mother. The two of these temperaments don’t mix at all.
This all seems to be very stressful for you and not getting any better. You are really dealing with two dysfunctional persons and are stuck in the middle.