Am I being played
I am 53 dating a 47 year old Pam going very well until we are at an after party on Sunday she is drunk but announced she is leaving unless music changed. Very odd I thought and rude to hostess Charlotte She then says I am leaving and moves to kiss me. I did not like the unilateral way she decided to leave without me so I said " I am staying and withdrew my head" she interpreted this to mean I wanted to stay because I fancied the hostess Charlotte I chased her down the street I thought what a crazy over reaction over nothing but she left... next day she was saying "Any guy who pulls his head away is not guy for me"
Pam contacts Charlotte who I have known for 9 months who send all texts between us. Thee is nothing in those texts that friends would not say. Pam is convinced I want a relationship with Charlotte I do not.
I wrote a very detailed email correspondence to her about almost 1000 words she says it was "too painful to read". She wanted to meet up to talk about it but it's hard to have a rational conversion she just repeats the same thing like ground hog day "You wanted to stay because you like Charlotte"
Yes I know Pam is insecure but I always felt she was using her dramatic departure from.the party as an exit route from me like an excuse.
If I am direct about what happened she either goes in to "Wow that's so horrid of you to say" or she goes into "lets see the funny side ha ha LoL".
Is this girl thick.or mischievous?
She now wants to be friends and can't stop texting me last night sent "Darling any time for me this week or too busy on you many new dates LOL!"
Why does a girl misaccuse a guy of having wrong intentions when self evidently he in this case me had feelings for her not the other way around. Yet she is obsessed with him and other girls. Then expects home to become a friend just like that...
Makes no sense to me. So I see no choice other than to not reply
It's manipulation which allows Pam to string you along and let's you write an emotional 1000 word email which is basically a waste of time because she wouldn't take the time to read it anyway. At the end of the day, the only way to sort it is to be direct, which benefits all involved, but insecure people like Pam won't play that game. She's just using Charlotte as an excuse to 'needle' you, and if Charlotte wasn't in the picture, she'd find someone else to use. Pam doesn't know how to trust and before she can have a successful relationship, she'll need to learn how to trust again. Sure, you can hang around and attempt to help her, while trying to love her, but it'll be a hard slog especially when she drinks.
It's all OK to have feelings for her but you need to listen to your gut rather than to your heart. It's not up to you to fix her insecurity, but it's totally your decision to be with someone who shares your values and or attempt to be with someone who doesn't respect you for who you are. Yep, you're best bet is to just stay silent.
Where you say "At the end of the day, the only way to sort it is to be direct, which benefits all involved, but insecure people like Pam won't play that game."
I'd be interested to have any feedback on why insecure people can't do direct? Thanks
Insecure people basically don't like 'direct' because they usually take it as criticism and they don't like to solve the issue straight away, instead they're quite happy to string it out because it makes them feel worthy and gives them some attention. If they've done it before and it's worked for them, then they will see no reason to change the method. They're quite happy to tell you that you're wrong, in any way they can, for doing what you did and that you did it to spite them, while their opinion is always steadfast and true in every way.
An average couple who arrive together at a party, would first discuss the music together, then make a decision together to leave or stay. Of course if excessive alcohol gets in the way, then common sense and respect usually goes out the door and that's another issue to weigh up. An average couple would also discuss together any issues that they have because 'in your face' direct debate gets the different points across without the argument and negotiation is always a win win for all.