Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and at first everything was perfect, but then he started asking me questions about my past and i was ashamed of what id done with previous partners in the past so i lied to him and pretended that what id done wasn't bad at all, then he started looking on my Facebook and seen my messages to other boys and he found out that id done a lot more than id let on and i convinced him he was being paranoid and silly because i didn't want him to find out and hurt him anymore but it made things worse. Then he found out that while we were UN-exclusive i met one of my ex's and because I've made him paranoid he wouldn't believe me that i didn't do anything. Then five months into the relationship i went on holiday with my family and i met a boy and he tried kissing me and i kissed him back for a few seconds and then felt disgusted with myself, but i didn't want to tell my boyfriend because i knew it would hurt him so i did everything i could to keep it from him, when he questioned me i lied and lied and things got so bad that in the end he found out anyway and know he doesn't trust me and he has all these issues and is upset and unhappy all the time and he thinks that there's other stuff that I've done and lied to him about and he wants me to go on the Jeremy Kyle show to have a lie detector but i don't want to, not because i'm lying, but because its embarrassing. I want to make our relationship better and get rid of his worries but i dont know how, please help me, i dont want to love him. Thanks.
In your last sentence, you said you don't want to love him?
I think you meant to say, "I don't want to hurt him, I want to love him?
Anyway, lying is the worst thing you could do in a healthy relationship. If you lie once, there's a chance you'd lie again, and sometimes you have to lie to cover up another lie and soon you will have a tangled mess of lies that you can't get out of.
And so, your boyfriend is only suspicious of you because of this. How would anyone trust another again if they have been constantly lied to? Especially when they've asked you the question up front?
Don't be ashamed of your past, it's made who you are today. As long as you're able to laugh it off and say, "yeah, I was silly when I did this, but it happened", then it will help you bond closer with your boyfriend. Neither you or him could change what you have done in the past and we all have things we don't tell just anyone, but if you're comfortable enough, you wouldn't be afraid to do so. Honesty is the best policy. He can only accept what you've done in the past -- he only wants to know /everything/ about you!
From what it sounds, he's a good guy. Don't lie to him anymore. If you are ashamed or uncomfortable with sharing, then tell him how you feel! I reassure you, he will be more than willing to hear your story and accept what you'd say.
You cannot run or hide from your past.
You have hurt him by your lies.
You have cheated on him.
He's already in a lot of pain and has trouble trusting you again, but since he's hurting anyway, you might as well hurt him with the truth, rather than a lie.
The last thing you have left for you is your honesty, if any. And if he can't trust your words when you're being honest, then too much damage has been done. However, it's up to you two on whether or not to make it work.
But if anything,
Let him love you. Let him know who you are, inside and out and be yourself around him. That's all he wants to do. So why are you stopping him? Why are you so afraid?
Also, be careful not to cheat again, this, I'm sure you know.
Take care. Just communicate with him on what you want and be HONEST, no matter what.