Where do I start?
I find myself very destructive in relationships, this is on going and really hurts the other party.
I have underlying trust issues, I'm the first person to admit that.
I feel these stem from 2009 ish when my cousin apparently got close to my wife, who was then my girlfriend.
He died in 2016 and 3 months later I was kicked out of the martial home.
We had a daughter in 2010. But when he passed away he claimed on his death bed that the daughter I believed was mine was actually his.
I approached my then wife and explained to her what was said and it was dismissed by her, however I am unable to see my daughter. I havent paid a penny towards her either which has made me more sure he wasnt lying.
Fast forward to 2018. I dated a fair bit but not found the one. Well I did but I'll get on to that soon.
I find myself with a common male issue just now with being diabetic and its ripping me to shreds, it is kind of underlying and fueling my insecurities everyday
Then in late 2018 I found the "one" and hit it off straight away with her. But this was short lived as I ruined it with my stubborness and stupidity with over thinking things. We lasted 3 months and split but had a 2 month break before getting back together. Happy days. But then the cycle started over again. Now dont get me wrong not a possessive or jealous type. But i found myself doubting myself as I had this lovely woman on my arm. But my insecurities again took me down that path to ruin.
So in late 2019 I had an operation on my foot, it was a wake up call. I started seeing people for what they were, how certain individuals would use me to get what they want from me. But leave me to rot when I needed them.
I got over the operation and went back to dating and dated twice, but couldnt get my ex from 2018 start of 2019 out of my head. So I gave up the dating and concentrated on other things.
So in july 2020 out of the blue I receive a message from her asking for another chance, I jump at the opportunity but then
She continually commented about how I used to send her romantic messages last time. But this time it doesnt happen, as if I cannot be bothered, or I dont fancy her like I used to do. But it wasnt a case of that, I honestly had doubts as to why out of the blue would she message, yes arguement is there for why go back.? If you doubted it
Fast forward to october 2020. I found myself on he sick and she offered to look after me. I duly accepted and when i was there i felt guilty as I wasnt helping her do whatever she needed to do and I started to feel a complete burden on her. We had a massive arguement when we were drunk where she attacked me and left me with a black eye before kicking me out of her house drunk and miles from home. I walked to my car and put seat back threw keys into the boot and got comfy and hoped I would sober up asap.
Next thing the phone goes it's her sobbing apologising etc I know at least 80 per cent is my own doing. I go back in to her house and try and sort it out the following morning. But it just spiralled from there
we have had a few ups and downs. This time I opened up to her in the hope that I could put some of my insecurity demons to bed once and for all.
But this was not the case as when a trivial arguement occured they get thrown at me. I'm far from perfect which I know, but in my head these things were taken on board as "future ammunition " for her to use at me
Can somebody please advise as I feel stupid and totally lost.
How can I love somebody yet I destroy it?
But how can I be loved?
You need professional counseling to help you sort your head out. The same goes for your ex wife. You guys are basically reliving the wreck that your marriage was by trying to find answers for the unanswerable and if anything, you're both still too close to it to win the battles together, let alone the war. It should tell you to stay away from each other because you're only going to get hurt again and end up more miserable. There's a daughter in there somewhere and the scenario that you paint as you post, drinking and fighting, is a not a good environment for her.
You deserve to be loved and respected and to enjoy a happy life, just as your ex wife does, but first, you guys need to sort your heads out by taking on counseling and therapy. Whether you end up together or not again successfully or you go onto other relationships, all hinges on your ability and your mindset to forgive and forget and just get on with it.
Sorry Manalone, I think you have read it wrong, the ex wife and I havent spoke to each other for over 2 years.
I was explaining about my new relationship. How toxic it was. I have already been to counselling in 2019 and realised my trigger points etc. I explained that to her when we spoke and she took great pleasure in throwing it in my face and pressing the buttons to get reactions from me at a later date.
She claimed with lockdown it has driven her mad and she doesnt mean half of what she says, but it's ok for a day or 2 then she starts again, as if the whole world and his dog are against her.
She goes running to her parents and gives them her half the story, making out it's me at fault continually. Yet doesnt give the full account of her pressing buttons.
She text me on 2nd nov saying she was sorry for it all and how she had changed back into the life loving person I knew, but I feel these words are not backed up with actions as she still has that underlying issue. I have no idea of what.
All I know is she is jealous of me having a life in the past, being married, living with somebody for over 13 years. As she has thrown it in my face many a time during trivial things, then she justifies it by saying she has never been in love or experienced the living with somebody?
Funniest thing is she has also called me a narcissist, I'm far from a narcissist.
I might turn off and not say much or anything after an arguement etc, as she takes whatever I say the wrong way and it starts off again as she takes it personally. So i learnt my lesson not to say anything just after an arguement and wait til both have cooled down.
Before we first got back together, I was full of life, had a few problems at work and my father is dying of lung cancer, but I got on with it all.
She continually commented claiming I have a good life and she feels she was disrupting it. I tried my best to tell her she wasnt, as she wasnt, but again and again it reared its head, same comments again and again about her disrupting it. But in all honesty she wasnt. I tried to convince her but she was having none of it. I believe her insecurity? Low self esteem etc is the cause of it. But I used to bug her up and try and get her to talk and open up after asking what's wrong, she would open up then play things down. But allow it to fester.then throw everything at me at a later date.