My wife finds me unattractive because I’m a loner. Should I dump her?
RABELADO00 - Nov 12 2020 at 03:41
I always been a bit of a loner and I always been the type to have only a few trustworthy friends around me. Over the years I either fell out with some of this friends because they let me down and disappointed me for various reasons or just because we have less contact with each other because we spent a lot of time with family and work.
My wife recently told me that she finds loners like myself unattractive. I replied to her that I find people that beg for friendships and that rate people based on their popularity also unattractive.
I stopped talking to some of my friends because they were jealous, petty, and had massive egos. Every time I stopped talking with this people my wife always plays the devil advocate and starts to make excuses for their behaviour, because she’s too desperate for me to keep these friendships and not end up without any friends.
Now I’m at the stage when I’m questioning if I still want to be with my wife because her lack of pride and shallowness is putting me off.
Your wife should accept you for you are and respect your opinions but you need to sort out if you love her and have the need to be with her rather than judge her for her outlook on life. She's entitled to her opinions just as you are, but if they clash constantly, then you guys need to use communication to help you sort it and determine the best outcome for both of you. There will be other underlying issues which you need to look at as well and if she doesn't share your values and standards and vice versa, then you may need to step away to help you determine what you want and need to be happy.
OK the very first part of your column states that you have always been a loner... this may have always been your choice or may not have been... Number 1... there’s something wrong with everyone no one is perfect.... True no one wants to be friends with someone you cannot trust, but you kind of have to weigh your options decide which battle to fight... kind of sounds like you point blame first before you sort out the facts.... next time ask yourself whatever predicament it is whatever that friend has said done or plans on doing ask yourself.... is this going to affect my life all whatsoever... and if it doesn’t stop worrying about what someone else does or says... yes people need to earn other peoples trust, so at any beginning of a friendship, don’t tell them intimate secretive details about your life...make them earn your friendship...as time goes you will learn exactly what you can I trust with this person... and as for your wife she seems like the negotiator and someone you definitely need in your life
Being able to take what our loved ones is saying and translate it into what they actual mean is a skill. Knowing what to say and do to turn my spouses frown upside down requires some charm. I think that she is caught up in her emotions trying to manipulate you into being more social with her. Arguments can really escalate if we don’t get to the root of problems and be honest with one another.
Truth is sad, not insulting.
Personally, I share your values.
You believe in yourself, so continue to believe in yourself and agree to participate in a few outings. The movies are a good idea, you don’t have to talk to one another. Golfing is great because you can connect to nature and your own game. Find some of the things that you like to do that you can do with others.
What is the detailed definition of FRIENDSHIP? I ask you this but very little will come to your mind. You have to take your time to collect thoughts, ideas, and perspectives to have an actual definition. Only then can you decide whether you want to be part of one. Everyone has different ideas of what a friendship is but this is your life and you should lead it according to your beliefs.
Having friends is important. The friends that you said you have lost, you haven’t. They will see the truth in your actions that family and work are a priority. They will respect you for it and be happy to share moments with you. We are all in this one life together and as we start to see our friends pass away or struggle with different ailments we realize that we truly want to see one another do well. Those that don’t wish you well are suffering from their inability to be free of negative energy. (Remember spider man and the black goo that covers him? That is what is happening to all of our minds)
Having had loved ones pass at such early ages I find myself looking at everyone differently… as survivors of all of the many horrible things that can take us away.
You both need help building your perspectives and building a bridge on this subject. To avoid arguments try making up 3 pages,
On one page collect your thoughts on THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP.
On another page collect all of the reasons why friendships are important.
On the other page collect all of the reasons why spending time alone is important.
You can start filling the pages up, taking your time to collect all kinds of perspectives. You can invite your wife to work on the PUZZLE too. It is actually a lot of fun and it will lead you to understanding one another. It will show her that you understand her when you fill her side of the argument with ideas. THAT WILL BE ATTRACTIVE TO HER. She will melt in your arms!! (Unless she has black goo on her, in which case ask me for cleansing tools)
This issue aside, there are all kinds of other puzzles you can work on. Definitions like what is FREEDOM? What is our definition of LIFE? How do we create balance? What do we BELIEVE in? What is LOVE?...
I hope things turn around for you and that you both find some common ground you can walk on.
By 'escalate' I mean that we can become more stubborn that we intended to be. She might be feeding the wrong ideas in her mind by repeating the same frustrations in her mind......when she should be in search of truth. Which is why the pages I suggest you create can help her get off one train and onto a better one.
I have one more idea to share. Write a letter.
The reasons why I love you.
(then you list all of the reasons why you love her, think of memories, experiences, moments, situations, character traits... etc, take a few weeks to gather your thoughts)
You really hurt me when you told me that I am unattractive because I like to be alone. I need to know why you love me, but more importantly I need to know that you know why you love me. Life can take us all off track from what is important to us. What we fill our thoughts up with each day can really add up and take us away from our center. This is why I like being alone, I can manage and stay connected to what matters to me, you matter to me. (Then leave space for her to respond with all of the reasons why she loves you)