Sorry this is long, I'm a writer and don't know how to shorten anything up. There's a ton of backstory, but I met "Robert". He was a customer I'd never seen before. It was instant attraction. He never talked, but he started coming in more and more. He asked me out, we went out a few times, but I was basically living with a guy (John) at the point in time to just not be homeless, because I had been briefly. Then had a mental breakdown from losing everything in the recession, when I had just graduated and had my dream job with the nation's second largest firm in my field. John was jealous of Robert and interfered wherever he could. Drinking, threatening suicide if I went out, he pulled out all the stops. Obviously it turned Robert off and he distanced himself.
Months later Robert told me to move into his apartment complex. Said he'd talk to the manager to get me in. Then he said I should apply at his job, he'd talk to HR for me. He's done countless amazing things for me, but he's had periods of being nice for a few days, then ghosting for a few months.
To understand Robert; he's possibly the single most intelligent person I've met in my entire life. Like work with NASA because he's bored today intelligent. He's not some small mousey nerd with bottle cap glasses like the stereotype either. He's a very tall, well-proportioned man, and not unhandsome. In no way timid looking. Maybe like a large mechanic. Acts like a tough, confident man out and about, but he's very sweet and tender (almost effeminate and childish at times) privately with me. Very tech oriented, compartmentalized, organized, ocd, the works. He describes himself as Sheldon from the big bang theory.
Robert's pushed me away pretty hard before. Made insults, and emotionally torn me apart. Called me a stalker, crazy, anything he could to hurt me. I'm a pretty in your face person when I love someone, feel threatened, etc. I've been wronged enough to believe in honesty, and lost all my best friends in thier early 30's to a rare immune disease and epilepsy. I, myself, slipped as I was pulling the trigger on the rifle the moment before I had my own awakening. So I know that life is too short to live with the regret of not telling someone you love them when you do. So I'm pretty upfront too.
As all super geniuses under inordinate amounts of stress (and after months of avoiding me), he invited me up to talk a few weeks ago, and told me he'd had a mental breakdown and had been in the hospital for a week. After 4 years of knowing him, he finally opened up and was talking about himself to me... I was actually welcomed into his apartment which is basically a server room full of whirring computers. We grew closer, and I tried to reassure him by saying I didn't want to do anything that made him uncomfortable. I tried to lay on the couch with my head on his lap as he explained his breakdown, and even that was too much for him. I've never seen someone squeeze themselves that far into the corner of a couch... He had to drink one night just to tell me about his past, but he got scared and said he'd tell me in the morning, after I told him about my past to try to put him at ease in talking to me about his. All I know is he had an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive ex, and I'm not sure if he was hinting at possibly being molested as a child or not.
But, when I thought it would be time for me to go because he said he was tired... He let me stay and sleep with him. Just sleeping. He slept by himself on his side of the bed at times, but would spoon me and hold onto my breast at others. We had a few good days of him reciprocating little kisses, nuzzles, and play biting me like a puppy on my arms. We were acting very much a couple until I said something that hinted at couples, the relationship, I dont know, just something very basic. He started getting edgy. At some point due to his questions or line of talking, I'd told him that I'd always been in love with him (which I've told him before). He asked me what I loved about him. I said it was hard to describe, but it was just everything about him. Maybe he didn't believe me, maybe it was something his ex said, but he began to insult me again.
The next morning I knocked on his door and tried to talk to him, he opened the door in his underwear, and got back into bed covering up with his blankets. First he acted cute and hid in the blankets with just an eye staring at me as I tried to tell him he was worthy and worth being loved while trying to cuddle on him... But he started getting more and more stern. He told me I was delusional, psychotic, and he had a restraining order filed out and ready to go on me, all he had to do was sign it (it was a lie, that's not how restraining orders work, I asked a policeman customer at my new job). He said there was once an interest in me years ago, but there was absolutely nothing in him for me, I meant nothing to him, was just a friend, then he said; "What, have you just been waiting around all this time for me?" And laughed a little at me. I'm sobbing as I leave while he gives me a kind of hug...??? I texted him once I got to my apartment because I would have had a full break down if I tried to say it to his face. Yes. I'd passed up every guy who asked me out all this time because I'd been waiting for you. His reply was just: "Oof, sorry."
Being the in your face, let's hash this out, make up if we can, and get on with our lives kinda person I am; I knocked on his door two days later and he opened it letting me in like nothing had happened. He had me watch nerd videos with him, and It was almost like before, but he's keeping distance from me physically. Staying in his computer chair rather than sitting on the couch or bed with me, but if I stand behind the chair and embrace him for minutes on end, he lets me and still, very rarely, nuzzles my arm with his chin.
He's always been super guarded about his phone, but he let me see some of his texts to others, pictures shared, even logged into his super secret Facebook account. Was scrolling for about a second through the "people you may know" section (and it was all very pretty local area women), went to his messages and asked my opinion on a picture of an outfit he was polling his (I assume many female) friends if they thought it was a good style as he's wanting to change his look. Then he went to a mushy page full of relationship quotes that are like some of the stuff I've told him and started liking things.
I've told him many times I don't want to do anything that would make him uncomfortable. I again tell him he's worthy of being cared for and loved, and he says he's getting help on that... He wants to have a fulfilling relationship. He acts at times like he likes me or even loves me, but then says there's nothing between us, and sternly says he won't talk about his past with me now like I've lost his trust now.
I'm confused because EVERYONE in this complex has said he likes me. They've never once seen him with a girl. Heck, when he stopped to help me with my car as I waited for a tow, even this grizzled tow truck driver guy elbowed me and said "He really likes you. No guy does all that he's just done with me to your car if he doesnt like you." Old ladies in diners would walk by and smile and say "He likes you" when he'd get up to pay the bill.
--- But why is he so mean to me if he likes me so much? And how can I tone down my intense personality to accommodate his fragile one right now? Or am I just an idiot? Is he's getting therapy, changing his look, and working on himself because he's about to go out looking for someone else? I'm sure he could put up a front for a while with someone else, by just going to thier place, but I don't know too many girls who'd actually adore the fact that this giant nerd lives basically in a garage full of tools, wires, and computer parts with zero creature comforts... All of which are the things that make me adore and cherish him. He's science and tech. I'm philosophy and literature. I can't help but absolutely love what I feel is my missing piece. But do I really just mean absolutely nothing to him?
Hmm to me it looks like he does have feelings for you but doesn't know how to handle it. Some people act like this when they have feelings for someone but isn't ready for a relationship. And is affected by his past. I have actually met someone like this, who has a repulsive behavior due to bad experiences with people. But I personally do find his behavior pretty unacceptable. He is clearly hurting you and that's not right. I advise you to call him out on his bs and just stop taking initiatives to reach out to him. Tell him how badly this behavior of his is affecting you then stop visiting him or knocking at his door afterwards. Sometimes people end up wanting something they can't get.