Does he love me or hate me?
Sorry this is long, I'm a writer and don't know how to shorten anything up. There's a ton of backstory, but I met "Robert". He was a customer I'd never seen before. It was instant attraction. He never talked, but he started coming in more and more. He asked me out, we went out a few times, but I was basically living with a guy (John) at the point in time to just not be homeless, because I had been briefly. Then had a mental breakdown from losing everything in the recession, when I had just graduated and had my dream job with the nation's second largest firm in my field. John was jealous of Robert and interfered wherever he could. Drinking, threatening suicide if I went out, he pulled out all the stops. Obviously it turned Robert off and he distanced himself.
Months later Robert told me to move into his apartment complex. Said he'd talk to the manager to get me in. Then he said I should apply at his job, he'd talk to HR for me. He's done countless amazing things for me, but he's had periods of being nice for a few days, then ghosting for a few months.
To understand Robert; he's possibly the single most intelligent person I've met in my entire life. Like work with NASA because he's bored today intelligent. He's not some small mousey nerd with bottle cap glasses like the stereotype either. He's a very tall, well-proportioned man, and not unhandsome. In no way timid looking. Maybe like a large mechanic. Acts like a tough, confident man out and about, but he's very sweet and tender (almost effeminate and childish at times) privately with me. Very tech oriented, compartmentalized, organized, ocd, the works. He describes himself as Sheldon from the big bang theory.
Robert's pushed me away pretty hard before. Made insults, and emotionally torn me apart. Called me a stalker, crazy, anything he could to hurt me. I'm a pretty in your face person when I love someone, feel threatened, etc. I've been wronged enough to believe in honesty, and lost all my best friends in thier early 30's to a rare immune disease and epilepsy. I, myself, slipped as I was pulling the trigger on the rifle the moment before I had my own awakening. So I know that life is too short to live with the regret of not telling someone you love them when you do. So I'm pretty upfront too.
As all super geniuses under inordinate amounts of stress (and after months of avoiding me), he invited me up to talk a few weeks ago, and told me he'd had a mental breakdown and had been in the hospital for a week. After 4 years of knowing him, he finally opened up and was talking about himself to me... I was actually welcomed into his apartment which is basically a server room full of whirring computers. We grew closer, and I tried to reassure him by saying I didn't want to do anything that made him uncomfortable. I tried to lay on the couch with my head on his lap as he explained his breakdown, and even that was too much for him. I've never seen someone squeeze themselves that far into the corner of a couch... He had to drink one night just to tell me about his past, but he got scared and said he'd tell me in the morning, after I told him about my past to try to put him at ease in talking to me about his. All I know is he had an emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive ex, and I'm not sure if he was hinting at possibly being molested as a child or not.
But, when I thought it would be time for me to go because he said he was tired... He let me stay and sleep with him. Just sleeping. He slept by himself on his side of the bed at times, but would spoon me and hold onto my breast at others. We had a few good days of him reciprocating little kisses, nuzzles, and play biting me like a puppy on my arms. We were acting very much a couple until I said something that hinted at couples, the relationship, I dont know, just something very basic. He started getting edgy. At some point due to his questions or line of talking, I'd told him that I'd always been in love with him (which I've told him before). He asked me what I loved about him. I said it was hard to describe, but it was just everything about him. Maybe he didn't believe me, maybe it was something his ex said, but he began to insult me again.
The next morning I knocked on his door and tried to talk to him, he opened the door in his underwear, and got back into bed covering up with his blankets. First he acted cute and hid in the blankets with just an eye staring at me as I tried to tell him he was worthy and worth being loved while trying to cuddle on him... But he started getting more and more stern. He told me I was delusional, psychotic, and he had a restraining order filed out and ready to go on me, all he had to do was sign it (it was a lie, that's not how restraining orders work, I asked a policeman customer at my new job). He said there was once an interest in me years ago, but there was absolutely nothing in him for me, I meant nothing to him, was just a friend, then he said; "What, have you just been waiting around all this time for me?" And laughed a little at me. I'm sobbing as I leave while he gives me a kind of hug...??? I texted him once I got to my apartment because I would have had a full break down if I tried to say it to his face. Yes. I'd passed up every guy who asked me out all this time because I'd been waiting for you. His reply was just: "Oof, sorry."
Being the in your face, let's hash this out, make up if we can, and get on with our lives kinda person I am; I knocked on his door two days later and he opened it letting me in like nothing had happened. He had me watch nerd videos with him, and It was almost like before, but he's keeping distance from me physically. Staying in his computer chair rather than sitting on the couch or bed with me, but if I stand behind the chair and embrace him for minutes on end, he lets me and still, very rarely, nuzzles my arm with his chin.
He's always been super guarded about his phone, but he let me see some of his texts to others, pictures shared, even logged into his super secret Facebook account. Was scrolling for about a second through the "people you may know" section (and it was all very pretty local area women), went to his messages and asked my opinion on a picture of an outfit he was polling his (I assume many female) friends if they thought it was a good style as he's wanting to change his look. Then he went to a mushy page full of relationship quotes that are like some of the stuff I've told him and started liking things.
I've told him many times I don't want to do anything that would make him uncomfortable. I again tell him he's worthy of being cared for and loved, and he says he's getting help on that... He wants to have a fulfilling relationship. He acts at times like he likes me or even loves me, but then says there's nothing between us, and sternly says he won't talk about his past with me now like I've lost his trust now.
I'm confused because EVERYONE in this complex has said he likes me. They've never once seen him with a girl. Heck, when he stopped to help me with my car as I waited for a tow, even this grizzled tow truck driver guy elbowed me and said "He really likes you. No guy does all that he's just done with me to your car if he doesnt like you." Old ladies in diners would walk by and smile and say "He likes you" when he'd get up to pay the bill.
--- But why is he so mean to me if he likes me so much? And how can I tone down my intense personality to accommodate his fragile one right now? Or am I just an idiot? Is he's getting therapy, changing his look, and working on himself because he's about to go out looking for someone else? I'm sure he could put up a front for a while with someone else, by just going to thier place, but I don't know too many girls who'd actually adore the fact that this giant nerd lives basically in a garage full of tools, wires, and computer parts with zero creature comforts... All of which are the things that make me adore and cherish him. He's science and tech. I'm philosophy and literature. I can't help but absolutely love what I feel is my missing piece. But do I really just mean absolutely nothing to him?
Hmm to me it looks like he does have feelings for you but doesn't know how to handle it. Some people act like this when they have feelings for someone but isn't ready for a relationship. And is affected by his past. I have actually met someone like this, who has a repulsive behavior due to bad experiences with people. But I personally do find his behavior pretty unacceptable. He is clearly hurting you and that's not right. I advise you to call him out on his bs and just stop taking initiatives to reach out to him. Tell him how badly this behavior of his is affecting you then stop visiting him or knocking at his door afterwards. Sometimes people end up wanting something they can't get.
Yeah. He went off the deep end. One night he told me he was married, my instant reply was - to what? Then he left all night (he's an engineer so has wonky shifts at the plant he works at, so he could have been working), came back in the morning and was extremely cocky with a arrogant little kids full body (look at me I'm all that) wiggle and said he pretty much had all his mental issues sorted out... 2 weeks after a mental breakdown that put him in the hospital for 6 days.
In a bit of anger I started Jr. Analyzing him and he was gulping trying to hold back tears, because a giant setback for us was that I was raped by an ex who was jealous that I fell for this guy, and I was like, how much pain to I have to go through to prove to you I'm not going to hurt you?
Then he blew up in a sort of feigned anger, told me he had a girlfriend, had slept with her last night in fact. That he hadn't wanted a relationship till JUST RIGHT NOW, right after a mental breakdown, and that it was never going to happen with me because I had done something that pissed him off years ago, and then he told me to leave, but then sat on the arm of his couch to play with the dangle on my hairstick like nothing had happened and was almost talking to me normally. I told him he was probably lying. I've kissed him once before, and it was like kissing a 12 year old for the first time who had no idea what to do.
So, being molested and or sexually abused as a kid, bottling it up inside, having the breakdown...? He was probably just pushing me away. But he stays out more and seems to make a point of making noise when he passes my door so that I know it now. Maybe he does have someone, maybe he's staying at a friends to keep up the farce because he seemed to maybe have sadistic side that smiled and enjoyed when I chased after him. Maybe he's got a new apartment and is setting up all his electronics before he moves his stuff. Who knows? I've been keeping my blinds shut and avoiding him ever since.
I only sent him a text saying he could never allow me to be me with him because he was always comparing me to a ghost in his head this whole time. That I'd had patience beyond words as I suffered all of the scratches and bites from his words and that in the end he had a gold key that opened a door to a warehouse full of gold, and he threw it away, and that's on him. Not me, because I tried.
The neighbor I talk to who's known him 10 years still says there's no one else. Insists that there can't be, and that this guy is in love with me, but is damaged beyond words... I dunno if it matters anymore. I can't help but be absolutely in love with him. You can't control what happens neurochemically in your head and what happens in your heart for someone, but I don't think I can be around him. He's just not good for me the way he is.
I think you're right. The guy needs some serious help before he is able to be in a relationship.
All you can do is encourage therapy, and stay out of the way.
The movie "The Break Up" with Jennifer Aniston and the loveable Vince Vaughn comes to mind. How I see it applies to your situation is that I am not sure that you are able to heal him, he has to see himself so that he can heal himself. We are all products of our experiences but there comes a time when we have to take control.
There are less emotions involved when we look at ourselves on paper and as a science.
Look at how we operate physically. We eat, then we process and use nutrients and poop the rest out. Our minds require a similar process, so does our energy.
We are all collecting thoughts and energy that gets in our way of feeling peace. We have to make life easier by taking control over what we put into ourselves. We have to take control over how we process our thoughts, we have to work towards feeling peace by using perspective to gather relevant truths. And we have to release.
I would like to suggest a project that I commit to every day and suggest to others as often as I can because it is powerfully life changing.
Let the past be what it’s been and focus on a few definitions that you need to believe in. Start by creating a page for each subject and take your time to collect your thoughts and ideas. After you see your lists starting to grow get a notebook or binder and continue to gather your ideas.
WHAT IS WORTH BELIEVING IN? Here are a few ideas to define in and outside the box to get you started…
I AM (all of the good things)
I CAN BE SOMETIMES (all of the things that I’d like to change)
I NEED (the details of ‘Maslows hierarchy of needs’ might help you get started)
I BELIEVE IN
MY SKILLS ARE
THE SKILLS I’D LIKE TO LEARN ARE
THE EXPERIENCES ID LIKE TO HAVE I LIFE
THE BEST PLAYLIST THAT DEFINES LIFE IS
MY TOP FILM LIST OF ALL TIME IS
THE BEST ARTISTS
BEST JOKES TO TELL
GIFTS TO GIVE
This is just a short list of the things that are important to me, your book is YOUR mind, If you were going to program a robot to be the best it can be what would you input into it? If you were to raise a child what would you teach it? As a person that has the power of influence with the things that you say and do how do you want to represent yourself?
Gathering your ideas, reviewing your ideas, building your ideas… is what brings your life and your book together. Get out of the ocean and create your own oasis, your own world to believe in, your book.
When thoughts of the past and behaviours that we don’t want a part of our lives come up (and they will) it is important to think with a scientific mind and ask, why did I say or do that? In order to be able to do this we have to slow down our lives and look at each thought, word and action that we take. See truth, forgive and move forward.
Crawl, walk, run. By this time next year you will be making 50% fewer mistakes which means fewer regrets with means PEACE and FREEDOM. The things that we think, say, do add up. They effect our soul, even more so if they have effected another. We feel free when we have said what we wished we had said and done what we wished we had done. I am not a master of myself until then.
When understanding ourselves we have to understand life particularly the power of negative energy in the world that is taking over everyone’s lives. WE HAVE TO BUID OUR WILL TO STAND UP AGAINST NEGATIVE FORCES OF ENERGY. Forgive yourself for your error and forgive others. Try to get yourself and others back on track by bringing tolerance, truth and care to the table. In order to give ourselves a fighting chance against negative energy we have to drink lemonade, eat hot peppers, exercise to exhale negative energy, have steam baths to cleanse negative energy, burn white sage to burn negative energy, sea salt baths to burn negative energy, and CLEAN our homes thoroughly to get rid of negative energy and promote positive energy flow.
There are times in all of our lives that we can’t rely on our mind, but we can rely on our own built word. Create your book, create your path, create your mind.
If you look at the words I asked you to define (which you should not be limited to) you will notice that a section of it is a rainbow. Love is red and Healing is purple. It is a popular artistic tool to help people stay on their path.
One of the biggest challenges we face that I believe defines success in life is whether or not we can stay true to who we are and what is important to us.
Use art to support your heart.
I would give Robert this letter as it sounds like he is intelligent enough to be able to see the truth in my words. I imagine he will go running with the project idea and heal very quickly. The worst part about being intelligent and behaving irrationally is that you know better, so you become hard on yourself. It Isn’t fair because we are all up against more than we realize. The film ‘Insidious’ might apply to his life. The film ‘Bruce Almighty’ is very important to understand. The film ‘2012’ is important and my favorite film ‘STEALTH’ will help him understand the dynamics of the mind and how we all need artistic tools to help support us.
I would start up a binder for John to work on independently. He needs to build a relationship with himself so that he isn’t so dependent on others. As a writer you must know the power that there is in starting with a blank piece of paper and ending up with a page full of words that mean something to you. It feels good. He needs to feel good about himself and he needs to start connecting to TRUTH. The truths that we see in the world and collect become a part of us and so anyone that we see that holds the same truths becomes a part of us too. I've never met Jim Carey but I see eye to eye with him on so many levels, so we are connected. We all have to find what we can believe in. It is different for everyone. I believe in the black gooo that covers Spiderman as it changes his character from loving to angry. I believe in the CAREBEARS. I enjoy all kinds of art but there are only a few things that REALLY CONNECT to my heart helping me see life and therefor guide and protect me through life. How many people believe in Jesus Christ and the bible? How many people believe in STAR WARS?!! Twighlight, Lord of the Rings, Trolls, Disney, Ghostbusters, Friends,...... The key is to find what works for you and make it part of your design. When I was little I had no idea that the Carebears was so relevant to life and true, but here I am identifying the 'No Heart's', the 'grumpy bears', and the 'cheer bears' around me'. We are living in a wonderful time where there is so much art to believe in.
There is POWER and PEACE in this project like nothing you have ever experienced because it gives you control over your life and because it is an INDEPENDENT project it builds security, our relationship we have with ourselves.
Spend time enjoying LIFE with Robert, watch movies, explore music, create art, try new recipes, go for walks... . have experiences that bring you both joy and comfort. Leave the pressure, expectations, neediness out and just be kids. Responsible kids.
I think that LIFE IS THE DISCOVERY OF TRUTH AND THE PURSUIT OF FREEDOM.
PS: My first instinct was to tell you he needs to go to therapy, but I believe in this project. If he doesn’t need medication, then this will heal him. It won’t take long to believe in the book, because your soul will recognize that you are believing in you.
Whereas I appreciate all that you have said, there must have been a planetary shift of some kind... Because it suddenly feels like the universe is collapsing in a giant explosion around here.
Robert is a ghost and quite successfully avoids me.
Maybe 4 years ago, after John and I had distanced, is when I had met Robert, and fallen heart and soul in love with him. Even though John is the one and only person in this world I've ever met who understands me and completes me in an almost religious way.
It's been hard for me knowing I had THE perfect compliment to me, but he was so suffocating that I had to push him away. Then I had met Robert, a man who is completely self-sufficient and who ignites a passion and fire in me that I can't understand or control. I just AM in love with him. It damaged John to the point that he raped me one day, because we were both so broke that I basically lived in the basement of the house we rented together, because neither of us could afford to live on our own. I assume it had something to do with built up abandonment issues and the fear of losing me that were the pushing points for him, because he was always so remorseful and cried over it so much that I never reported him. But, I don't know now because he has changed into something I dont recognize anymore.
Robert did all these wonderful things to help me get out on my own, and subsequently living in an apartment at the bottom of the stairs from his... But he's got his damage too, and has been a very hard shell to try and get through to and i just dont know if it's possible because of the person he is. Much like me in my 20's. If someone hurt me or offended me, I just walked away and they ceased to exist for me, and that was that.
I gave Robert the single greatest book that helped me (Marcus Aurelius' Meditations) when I had worked for all my life since I was 5 to achieve my dream job, and lost it in the recession, then lost my home, then my mother to cancer, then my family due to the fighting over mom's death, and then became homeless for a while... Which led me to meeting John two years after that.
And Robert just tossed it on top of a self-help book under his coffee table that a family friend had given him saying, "I'll probably never read this, like I never read that one."
A few months ago, John had yet again come out of the woodwork. The past few years with him have been nothing but a sea of I love you's, I want to be with you's, and I want to marry you's... In between long bouts of "I need to figure out who I am" and "I need to be alone for a while", which had consisted of me waiting around between two men I was in live with on opposite sides of the spectrum from each other, while he was apparently testing two very, very short lived relationships with other women. John was the man I'd pushed away years ago because he was so clingy that he literally needed to have 8 hour long conversations with me every day to affirm himself with me. You think you can do it out of love, but trust me, after a month of that, it would drive the best of people away.
Just those few months ago John ambushed me at my apartment and basically demanded to know if we were going to get back together because he couldn't deal with this any longer. So, after some talking, a very tear filled night 3 weeks ago, and him suddenly agreeing to get therapy together with the priest I've been seeing; when before he'd always refused because he's been in therapy with his own psychologist... I dropped by his house a week or so ago, and he was apparently on the phone with his fiance that he's moving away with. In under three weeks? His entire attitude and demeanor have changed into that of an almost violent seeming monster boiling just underneath the surface and the face he stared at me with was like the face he had the day he'd raped me.
So I've been wrestling this past week/ week and a half with reporting the rape, because I really do fear that he could do it again because of the sheer black evil I saw in his eyes as he remained on the phone lying incredibly to this new woman with me right there looking at him and correcting his lies so that she could hear me. I mean, I'd assume he was engaged to her while he was saying he wanted to go get therapy and be with me with me just 3 weeks ago. He silenced her phone calls while I was there weeks ago talking to him, and used the same ringtone for her that he used to use for me...
And now I'm left thinking that at some point he lost his very humanity and had become a monster who was lying to me all this time stringing me along. Paying for my phone for years because I was so broke just to keep me dependent on him and to keep me quiet so that he could monitor me; and pop back into my life like he was a psychic any time that Robert and I were getting closer to break us apart by getting me emotional about him again. Just enough to keep me busy and confused so that I wouldn't report him to the police.
John was always so innocent, so sweet, such a good man... And I suddenly realize what it must be like for a parent who is looking at thier child who's become something horrible and murdered or done a mass shooting or something, and remembering that baby they once were, who'd never done anything wrong and was so pure and sweet in thier memories and going; what happened to you, where did it go wrong, was it always there and I missed it all this time?
It been an awful mess here and very emotional for me. But I feel now that I have to go to the police, because I can't let this happen to another person.
The world is what it is
I am what I am
And because I am what I am I love life.