CARLA2 - Dec 5 2020 at 14:36
Hi this morning my partner popped out with my 3 year old on what he said was a secret mission. We have been together for 18 years. I was at home looking after our newborn. On return my 3 year old came in and said that they had a ring. My partner said well now he has ruined the surprise you may as well have it. They had been shopping for an engagement ring. My partner presented me with the ring but there was no proper proposal. Even though my 3 year old ruined the surprise it seems my partner was going to give the ring to me today with no specific plan. It was all a bit odd. The day is not significant and I was still in my pyjamas after having been up all night with newborn. I'm very sentimental and wasn't expecting anything big but thought he would do something including the children or a bit more meaningful. The ring is beautiful and very expensive but not the ring that I had my heart set on and mine was more affordable and unique. I sound so ungrateful but just feel deflated by whole thing. He is an amazing partner and dad. Am I being totally spoilt and should I share how I'm feeling. I have been with him 18 years and after that time expected something
He did drop the ball, and while I'm not trying to give him an excuse......
You've been with him 18 years and have 2 children, what did you expect? Most of the special milestones in the marriage have already been hit, and a lot of the romance is likely gone.
Thanks for your response your right. However I think its a bit pessimistic to think there is no romance or fun left in an 18 year old relationship. In fact I think the longer I've been with him the better it gets. Anyway after thinking about things I realise that the proposal and ring totally do not matter. He said later that he was really nervous and my son sharing the secret was a relief. I am not one for grand or expensive gestures but am sentimental and maybe was taken back that I was just handed a box with no explanation and it was a bit confusing and a shock. He previously never wanted to get married which I respected due to his childhood view of relationships. Marriage is also not something i was particularly fussed about so I'm not sure why him asking me in that manner made me feel deflated. In some respects I should be pleased he has unexpectedly asked me when I never thought it was on the cards for us. I now feel very guilty for being disappointed. He is such a fun, loyal and caring person otherwise and that's all that matters. I dont have the heart to tell him how I felt at the time and need to remind myself how lucky i am and that this is hardly a third world problem.
I am sure he is feeling just as unsatisfied as you are with a big dose of guilt as he knows it was his moment and milestone to create. You can turn it all around for both of you!!
If you were my friend I would help you plan a wonderful weekend for the two of you. When he goes to work in the morning I would get busy cleaning and redesigning the house, changing as much as we can so that it feels like a fresh new chapter in your lives. New colours, new curtains, new sheets, new pillows, new arrangements of the furniture, …as much new as possible!! Get a team in to help you!!
I would CLEAN everything thoroughly and burn white sage throughout the house to cleanse the energy in the house.
If he doesn’t work I would have a friend take him away somewhere for the day or a couple days if possible, have the kids stay with relatives and commit to a project that will refresh your lives.
Your message to him will be THE REASONS WHY I WANT TO MARRY YOU. or WHY I WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU, or any other creative phrasing that the two of you will connect to and believe in.
After 18 years you must have photographs that reflect the reasons why you love him. Have them blown up and turn your dining room or formal room, or bedroom, into an art gallery. Caption each picture to help him see what you see.
You can make a booklet if you don’t want to create pictures for the wall and fill it with memories and your vision for your future. I would focus on the idea that he is already everything I could ever want in a man and if he stays the same core person throughout our lives I would be happy. By defining what specifically you see in him his confidence will skyrocket because he will believe in himself and know that you believe in him too.
I would do both, the house art gallery that defines the relationship and the definitions of life and the booklet. Open your mind up to all of the creative possibilities and remember to focus on your themes, WHY I LOVE YOU, and LIFE IS including what you need to remember to stay on your path. Stones with words like BELIEVE or PROTECT or BALANCE on them, inspirational posters or google images arranges, film images like ‘After Earth’ that remind you to stay connected to your senses and centered as we are living in a world where people are dangerous. Or ‘Evan Almighty’ or… any one of the wonderful films created to help us protect ourselves. Create your home to do the same.
You can create an art space for the two of you to work on some projects and set one day a month to work together on art for your home. As your children grow up they will learn the same values that you believe in and you won’t have to remember to teach them, you will have art that reminds you!!
Make or order in some of his favourite foods, and make some CD’s of songs that define life to the two of you.
Set out some nice clothes for him, look your best, and have a night to remember forever.
I’ll let your imagination take over with the possibilities of the evening. Bath, the movie ‘The Notebook’ or ‘Bucket List’ or ‘Grumpy old Men’… movies that will connect you to your future with plenty of time to design your lives.
All of our minds become programmed with what we are doing day to day and we lose sight of our ability to create magic. Make it happen!