Narcissist? Or please help me understand what is going on
There is this couple that started their relationship as an affair when they were both married to two different people. The marriage of her ended two months after not only because of this affair but also due to previous problems in the relationship. Everything started as just having fun but little by little, they both started falling in love for each other, feelings were very strong and they both realized they never felt anything like that for anybody. Even though he (P) had a background that everybody knew that he was always cheating and with more than one woman at the same time, she decided that she was not going to judge him because of his past and started trusting him from the moment they started the relationship. Little she knew, that she found out at some point that besides him cheating on his wife with her, he was also cheating her with other woman, while he was also saying she was the love of his life and that he loved her more than anybody else he had a relationship before. She always forgave him, over and over again for everything and continued to wait for him. Besides everything, they always wanted to be together, spending time together, traveling, going out, and having overnights, which was not that easy to get because he was still married. He even filed for divorce at some point. In order to get everything they always wanted for themselves, he had to create lies and stories and hide things from his wife. They also talked about their whole life before them, and past relationships as well. She told him that one time when she had a boyfriend, 15 years ago, she kissed another man, and this boyfriend ended up the relationship with her and got very depressed because of it. The truth is that she not only kissed this man but also had oral sex. This detail she never mentioned to him, she decided to keep it to herself, she thought she had the right to do it and to not say things from her past if she didn’t want to, she decided that she wanted to keep it simple in details and only say it was a kiss, for her it was not of anybody’s business to know more. While feelings and connection were getting stronger with the pass of time, they were always talking about how they wanted to be together by themselves, and share a life together, but he never got separated from his wife. Most of the time he said he couldn’t do it because of his kids. Even when the whole situation was very hard for her, because she had to be the one waiting for him, and accepting his married life, they had very happy moments, they were so in love, but for some reason he could never decide to get separated and start a life with her, a woman he said he loved like anybody else in his life and that had everything he wanted. He is the type of man with a very opened mind, specially sexually. She was not like that when they started but, she learned from him, or he helped her be the way she was meant to always be, because she was enjoying everything in sex the same way as him. In one of those sex conversations that they always had, they were talking about trying new things in bed, so they said they wanted to try threesomes, with another man or another woman, and they were discussing everything about it. He already had a threesome in his past but she never experienced anything like that so she was very curious about it. After talking about it for some time, they decided that the threesome was going to be with another man. She told him that she couldn’t do anything with a man from her past, and that she didn’t want to, but he was saying that maybe it was not a bad idea and she convinced herself to do it that way, and the only man from her past she could do something like that was with this guy from 15 years ago, the guy she cheated her boyfriend with with “just a kiss”, because he was the only one she didn’t fell in love with. Well, the conversation ended by her saying that she was going to contact this guy and ask him if he wanted to be part of the threesome. Before she did that, she came out with the whole truth and said it was not only a kiss that happened but more than that, oral sex too. She wanted for him to know all details from this guy before they all three were going to be sexually together and this guy was now going to be part of their lifes. When she mentioned this truth to him, everything changed from that moment. He got convinced that she lied about that detail about her past because she had some pending feelings or desires with this guy, that’s all he could think of, and kept blaming her for months saying to her that she was a liar and that if she had something pending with this guy, she needed to close any lose ends and finally have sex with him, in order to continue a life together. She said to him several times for months she didn’t have anything pending with him or anybody, that she never wanted to be with another man, or had desires for anybody else, even less for a guy she didn’t see for so many years and that she never fell for. But he kept repeating the same thing, that in order to continue a life together she needed to have sex with this guy. She begged and cried to him for so long asking him to please change his mind, and that she only loved him and wanted to be with him and nobody else. Well, after months of her begging, she found out about more cheating from him. Maybe that was the motive to decide what she was about to do. She was tired, hurt and frustrated already for her trying to stop that situation for so long, that she started thinking that doing what he was saying and get it over with was going to be the solution and the end of it. So she told him that she was going to do what he wanted and go and have sex with this guy as soon as possible, because she didn’t want to lose him, and that also she was never going to contact this guy ever again in her life. He also added that in order for him to believe her she needed to video tape her having sex with this guy, because he was going to watch the video and get his own conclusions and at least believe her that everything really happened. She contacted this guy a Sunday or Monday, and started texting with him, saying she was going to be in his city the following week and that she wanted to get together, the guy immediately answer by asking if they were going to have sex, which she answered yes. For the next 4 days most of their texting was in a sexual tone, he was always asking her the things she liked to do in bed or the things he was going to do to her, and she answered the same way, following his way of talking, she thought that that was needed in order to keep him interested. But she also did unnecessary things, that she didn’t realize until it was too late. For example, this guy asked her several times for her to send him sexy pictures, which she didn’t want to, until she got tired and without thinking on the consequences and to make him stop asking, she sent a few pictures. During all this 4 days, she found herself in the middle of all that situation she didn’t want to do, that it didn’t feel good by doing it, but she also did things and said things to this guy without thinking them through and also thinking and believing this was the only way she could have a life with her love of her life, because that was what he made her believe. During those days she also didn’t mentioned anything about her talking to this guy to P or the way that she was talking to him. She thought it was clear what was said about her decision of her contacting him, and she assumed he knew that she was already working on it and that she already contacted him and they were texting. Around Wednesday, she told him that she was going to this guy’s city on the weekend to see him, and that they were going to see each other on Friday. She once again assumed, that by her saying that he was going to realize that and know that conversation between her and this guy were already happening. She didn’t see the need of saying anything before and also didn’t want him to know the kind of conversations they were having because she knew they were wrong. During all this days she said to him that at any point if he wanted for her to stop that, he only had to mention it to her and she was going to stop it immediately no matter what because she didn’t want to do it, but he didn’t. One day before she going to this guy’s city, they had an argument again, he was giving her a hard time about everything again, where he states now, that that was the moment he started to feel that there were fishy things in the middle of all this and that he was doubting even more about everything else, and he also said now that at that moment he was about to stop the situation, but according to him he didn’t because she cut him off. All she said was that if he told her for so long for her to do that, then he needed to stop giving her a hard time about it because she was already doing it what she didn’t want to do for him. At the end he never told her to stop anything and just let her continue, when all she wanted to hear was for him to say she didn’t have to do that. The day arrived of her seeing this guy, he picked her up from where she was and they went to a hotel, before that they stopped at a store to buy some beers. They arrived at the hotel and started drinking and smoking marijuana. She put her phone in silence, she was convinced that she was not going to receive any calls of messages from P to make her stop the situation, if he let her get to that point, he was not going to do anything to stop what she was doing, so she put her phone in silence for everyone else. Her intentions were to be drunk and high because she didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to do any of that, she wanted to feel the less possible. After an hour or so, they started having sex, she asked once to start recording a video, but he didn’t agree, then later she asked for a second time and he agreed. She got a 10 minutes recording of them having sex. After having sex, and drinking and smoking some more, they just laid down in bed for a while, while he was just talking and she was just listening, she was very high at that moment she couldn’t even concentrate on what he was saying or understanding either. She only knew that she felt disgusted about everything and that he was going to take her home soon, and that the night was almost over, and that she got what she needed to continue her life with P. When she got home, she realized she had missed calls and texts from P, something she thought he was not going to do. He said he was very worried that something bad happened to her with this guy and that he needed for her to go back as soon as possible because they needed to talk. The next day this guy texted her asking for the video, which she answered that she was not going to send it and also she added that she didn’t like anything they did the day before, she was trying to send him hints that they were never going to have sex again. She thought that was the way of doing things and not just ghost the guy. But that created another problem, because she was again blamed by P that she said she was never going to contact this guy again and yet she did the next day. When she came back home, P came to see her that same day to talk. He asked for her phone, which she gave to him, and he saw conversations she was having with her girl friend, where she was talking about everything going on, and a lot in a joking tone, making fun on the way she and this guy were having sexual conversations and laughing about it. She had that conversations with her girl friend before and after, and most of the time she didn’t show her true feelings, which she has a tendency to do, she doesn’t show what she is really feeling to her friends and family because she doesn’t want them to feel pity for her. Or for her to be in the position to defend P after everything he was doing to her. She rather make it seem like nothing is a big deal for her and that she is good. When all this problem started she called this girl friend to talk about it and she cried her eyes out to her, telling her that she couldn’t believe that P was telling her to do that. But after that she didn’t want to show herself broken anymore to her friend. After P saw her phone, he tried to walk away without saying a word, but she stopped him, to try to talk. Then is when it start all the blaming from him. He started saying that what she did is what she really wanted, that she lied to him and cheated on him and that she never told him any truths. That because of that he couldn’t be with her. But she insisted that what he was saying was wrong and they could fix everything. She started saying to him that she was so sorry about everything, even though she knew he put her in that position, she begged him for so long to not do that and he kept telling her she had to do it. At some point he saw that 10 minutes video of her having sex with this guy, and P accused her that everything looked like she was enjoying it, that he was convinced she had orgasms, when she didn’t, she actually told P she faked the orgasms and that she was not enjoying it because she didn’t want to be there and because she was thinking about P all the time. He also questioned her about this guy’s penis size, saying that because of the video he could see that this guy had it bigger, and that’s why she was enjoying it more, which was something she denied as well, because according to her this guy didn’t have a bigger penis, just a different shape and maybe slightly thicker, and actually the one man that gave her the most pleasure of her life was P and no this other guy. A month passed after that, still struggling with the problem, until one day at her house, P told her he definitely couldn’t be with her, because she was a liar, and he couldn’t trust her, etc. She begged him to not leave her, but he had made a decision already and he was not going to be with her anymore, after she asked him to please not leave her. He left her house and sent her a text accusing her for faking the drama and all the crying and she did a great performance and once again telling her that he didn’t want to be with her. That day, out of spite and anger and pain, she contacted a random guy and texted with him for a couple hours, in that conversation there was nothing sexual, it was just a good conversation that made her feel better in that moment where her heart was broken by P, they even said they were going to set up a date later on. But then she realized that she didn’t want any of that, she didn’t want to stop trying with P, she didn’t want any other man in her life and that she was never giving up on P. The next day he went to her house again, and they talked, he asked her again for her phone and tablet, and he saw on the Facebook search bar the name of the guy he talked to the day before, he asked her who that was, and she answered and gave him all the truth, she didn’t want again to be blamed for being a liar, so she was honest. But after that, he said once again that he was not going to be with her, and in fact that he was going to fix things with his his wife. At that moment she couldn’t take it anymore and called the wife and told her all the truth about everything. She had being holding this for over 3 years and that moment all she could think of was that the wife needed to know everything his husband did. Right after the problem he kept asking for details about the day she and this guy had sex and the days before that when the texting happened. Which she didn’t say everything at the beginning, but he kept asking and asking about details, like sex positions, timing for each of them, what they did in between, every single detail you can imagine. And she started saying the truth little by little, because he didn’t stop pressuring her. He made her repeat the story several time, and after she was done, to repeat it again. He kept telling her, that what happened between her and this guy was what she wanted, that she enjoyed it, that she had several orgasms, and that she was lying about everything and about what she really felt, he pressured her for so long to accept all that, but up until today she keeps defending her truth and saying any of that is true because she never wanted to do that, that’s why she begged P for so long to not make her do it. It all seems that he didn’t force her, but he did brainwashed in my opinion. Even if it sounds contradicting, during the past 10 months they had being on and off, with good and bad, him treating her like the worst and still accusing her for lying, when she says she is not and also treating her very good and being very affectionate to her, and that’s when she falls again , and accepts everything wrong she thinks he is doing and hoping for him to change for good. That caused her to get mentality unstable and wanting to hurt herself, which led her to be admitted in a mental facility for 4 days to stabilize her. P also created a false WhatsApp account to text this guy like if it was her, to get information he thought she was lying about. They texted a few times under her name. He also kept cheating constantly. During all this time that she kept trying to recover what she and P had, and him knowing she was trying, P made her believe he didn’t have anything else with his wife, meaning no sex and that they were about to get a divorce. Until one day the soon to be ex wife called her to ask her what was going on between her and P, and they talked. Between both of them they found out all the lies he was telling them both. And they decided to surprise him at his house and talk with him to accept all the lies he was telling them. One of the truth is that she found out that they were still having sex all the time, while he said several times he didn’t and while she was trying everything to fix their relationship and waiting until the divorce was finalized. They got divorced a couple months ago. Up until recently that he started staying more with her in her house, since he got divorced and the wife took the kids with her and they are also selling their house. During those days of P being in the same house with her, he said many things about their future, like trips with the all the kids, because she has 2 kids as well, trips for themselves, the surprise he was working on if they were getting married, and that he said that she was going to love it, the kind of ring he would buy for her, etc. he told her many things like she was so amazing and good to him. He made me believe he was with me for good. But after all that, he ends up again with the same blaming and accusations and saying how hurt he is and all the good ends again. For P he says that in order to fix everything she must be in the same position as before but do things right, which means go and have sex again with this guy but not lie about any detail from point A to Z, so he could maybe see she is the person that he can trust and believe again. And close all lose ends that according to him she has, like the guy she texted for a couple hours out of spite, he says she needs to see this guy and have sex with him also, because he thinks that’s what she wants, when she keep repeating she doesn’t want any of that, that she doesn’t want to be with another man, only with P. And that if he says she failed before in the past with him, not saying all the truth about how things happened,that she is sorry about and that she owns it and wants to fix everything the right way. She kept insisting that being in the same position as before and being involved sexually with a person again Is not the way to fix anything, that trust will not come back like that, that there are other ways to fix a relationship but he doesn’t believe in doing anything else. He also have told her many times, that he is proud of him cheating on her and that he wishes he could’ve cheated even more and create more pain to her, because he says she deserves it. He doesn’t take any responsibility for anything he has done and he feels entitled and thinks everything wrong he does is valid because people lie and hurt him. He demands the other person to fix everything when he is the one that caused the majority of the pain, and lies. He demands honesty and loyalty when he is the one that has always lied for everything and cheated non stop. When the ex wife took his kids and was giving him a hard time for him to see them, he was so angry he said that he was so proud of cheating on her before, and that was she needed was for him to cheat even more in the past, because of what she was doing with his kids, he deserved that and more.
Firstly, this is almost impossible to read.
Secondly, you haven't asked a question.
Im sorry but AKA is right, but what I see here is you putting the problem in front of you. When we can see it, it is easier to work with.
No one can help you as effectively as you can help yourself. But you have to be honest with yourself.
I don't like complications in life. There is freedom and peace in having a simple good life.
Id start over, first focusing on who I am, then opening myself up to a new relationship.