What would you do?
I'm a 27 year old gay male. In mid-2019, a 1 year 7 month relationship with a guy I really loved ended. It was a mutual decision to end the relationship. There was no fighting. In fact, we both still consider us to be really good friends. It sounds weird, but I still cannot get over him. I have tried to move on, but I simply cannot make it happen. I know the fact that we've maintained contact hasn't helped, but I was never able to just stop talking to him. We do have the occasional chat, and both of us are sometimes the ones to send the first message. In other words, I still think I love him.
To a certain point, he has managed to move on. Around a year ago, he entered another relationship. I've just learnt that, after just over a year, he's just ended this relationship. He told me about this himself. Suddenly, I am finding myself hoping that he will ask if I want to revive the relationship we ended just over a year ago. It's probably all false hope, and it's likely that I'm setting myself up for another very painful time when this eventually doesn't happen.
Should I ask him about this? Or would I just risk ending our friendship altogether? Could it be that he's feeling the same way? Or am I just kidding myself?
Before anyone goes ahead and attacks him, I know he's a great guy. He would never hurt me, and I know this from experience. He's been very supportive to me even after our relationship ended. It's just that with every date I go on, I constantly find myself looking for things that remind me of him.
If it's just false hope, what are your tips for helping me to truly move on?
You need to decide if the reasons you broke up are still valid. And if they are still deal breakers.
Your story is not unusual, people get back together again all the time. But as someone mentioned perhaps you might review the reason for the break up.
Just a question: he went on to have another relationship. What have you been doing all this time?
The worst thing is to have a relationship where there is lopsided love. Unless he makes the first move, you may find yourself in this situation.
Do you watch the show FRIENDS?
I look back over my life and I can see the times when I was like Joey, I can see the times when I was like Rachel when she dated Joshua, I can see the times when I was like Monica, I can see the times when I had tunnel vision like Ross. I can see the times when I was inexplicably attached to Janice like Chandler. I can see the times when I was wild like Pheobe....
We go through different experiences in life, at some point we are honest with ourselves by choosing to see ourselves and we CHOOSE. Who do I want to be? Its ALL in us to be. But who do we truly want to be?
We want to be as open to love as Joey, focused like Monica, Spiritual like Pheobe, Trusting as Ross,.... charismatic and wise like Sean Connery, Versatile as Bruce Willis, Motherly as Meryl Streep, Practical and funny as Ben Stiller, Free and girly like Gwenyth Paltrow,...... Able to bring truth to the table like President Obama... Creative like Seth Rogan, Light like Ryan Seacrest, Strong like Dwayne Johnson....
Define yourself, your perfect character. Create art whether it is one page, a notebook, a mirror, a poster for the wall that inspires and reminds you who you truly are.
We each have a true nature, we have been developing our character from the day we were born. In our teenage years we are full under attack from the world trying to take us away from ourselves. Reconnect to who you were, what you believed in, what was important to you before the world told you to be someone else.
When we know who we are and what we are doing with our life... what other people think about us doesn't matter as much. It doesn't matter if the love of my life doesn't agree that I am the love of his life.
When we know who we are others see something in you that makes them want to be believe in you. Just like the way you feel for this young man. FLIP THE TABLES ON HIM. MAKE HIM WANT YOU. He can only want you if he is interested in your world.
What does your world consist of?
Your thoughts, words, actions.
Build them all for yourself... and wait for someone that wants to spend their life uncovering and building on who you are, who you can be together.
PS: Christmas Eve I watch the movie THE HOLIDAY with Jack Black, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz... and eat fetticine alfredo (they eat it in the film). Watch the movie. Its not to say that your love interest is like Jasper, but there are a lot of great lines in the film to believe in like, 'you are the star in your own story but you are behaving like the supporting actress'. It means that we have to believe in ourselves and lead our lives so that we can live the life that we want to live. Both you and I have been in other peoples story's, playing the role that they want, or the role that we fell into, subject to life.
Its time to take the lead role in our own story.